SERIOUS WORD VOMIT.

Here's something I'm working on

This is how I feel about life. I know where it will end and how it will end, but  the suspense of the journey is killing me!

I'm trying not to let my affections for men marionette my behavior, feelings, actions, or thoughts. For example, right now I have romantic feelings for two different guys and I use them as emotional hockey goals. If the one, let's call him Angelina, is giving me attention I am in heaven. I forget the other, let's call him Brad, and only have eyes for Angelina.

The way i spend my time and  energy shouldn't be based on my inner brain made up relationships with me

But then I see Angelina giving some other girl affection. Angelina doesn't fawn over me alone, or he doesn't talk to me in constant and timely bouts- time for Brad. Switch and repeat. Then give it a few months and find a new Brangelina.

Something else I've realized, I need to let go of the old and embrace the new

 I don't even know what the deal is. I mean is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lang?! Okay, now I'm falling apart and tossing out I Heart Huckabees quotes. I'm sorry guys, I guess this is just how my brain feels. You get a taste, a zombie bite of my cerebral cortex or something...this is my brain ALL THE TIME (and especially this year).

I just always have a million things in there punching it out. Questions about my faith and God. Questions about men and people in general.

For example, I have general confusion about my friendships with men. I have a lot of them right now and I'm always faced with anxiety about my status with some of them. I don't feel that way about them, do they feel that way about me? I DO feel that way about them, what do they think of me? Am I texting too much? Am I revealing my feelings for them too much? What does that mean? Blah blah blah. Who gives a hot damn?

"Nice to meet you,. Wanna see my Pinterest wedding ideas board?..Oh no reason, I just wanna know what you think of some of my pins..."

Remember my last post? I'm Catwoman and you have no right to my inner workings and I do what I want? Say what, holda holda holda hold-up. I guess I changed my mind, welcome to the inner workings. Welcome to me not doing what I want.

Every time I communicate with someone I'm assimilating and making connections, but is this necessarily a bad thing? Yes and no. Yes, because I'm creating something that I'm not sure I am and people are attaching themselves to that creation. No, because we're human and it's a built in survival mechanism and there's nothing wrong with trying to make connections with the people we interact with.

It doesn't matter what you achieve in this life, if you don't share it with people.

It always goes back to my search for balance I suppose. I have to balance my innate desire to make connections with people and my need to be myself. I have to balance the belief that EVERY friendship, no matter how shallow or short, matters, with a need to weed out negativity in my life. I have to balance my needs for sleep, personal progression and achievement with the desire to make human connections. Do I go to Denny's and stay up talking to a friend in need, or do I eat dinner at home and go to sleep? The gym or church service?

In the words of The Great Lake Swimmers:

I'm just pulling on a line, on a line, I'm just pulling on a line

I'm just pulling on a line, on a line, and sometimes it pulls on me

The line, it inks across the freshly fallen snow,

Where only those embracing coldness would go

It whistles and it whispers, and sometimes it howls,

It sings to me sweetly from the trees and in vowels

I have too much to say and I lack the talent to organize it properly. One time a friend of mine said she liked my posts because they were all over the place and it felt like talking to me in real life. That's my goal I suppose, to share my inner thoughts mostly untamed. To let people know someone else is thinking what they're thinking. To let a few people out there know that we're all kinda messed up, confused, awkward, and just trying to figure out what happens in a meadow at dusk...or in other words, life.