2013

I was going to send out Christmas cards, buuuuuuuuuuuut this is cheaper and easier. So here we go. I suppose I should write some sort of verbose and grand letter, but whatev.

2013 was a great year and a tough year. I don't want to go on and on so here we go,  IN LIST FORM!

What happened:

1. Ogden Prep Academy- I still work there. I love it and I am excited for the changes that have happened, and the ones to come. It's a great place to work and I love the kiddos, most of the time!

2. Oakcrest Girls Camp- It was great. It was awful. It was camp. I loved being outside and I loved my fellow counselors. I loved singing. I loved being outside. I loved being outside. I loved being outside.

3. Adventures- I went on them.

Goals/plans for 2014:

1. FINISH MY DAMN MASTERS- but really, I start my lit review paper class this January, then my project over the summer and if all goes according to plan, you may call me "MASTER LAURA" starting August 2014.

2. Sleep- I need to do it more.

3. Continue to work on my physical health, duh.

4. Pay off all debts, other then my horrendous student loans.

5. THE MOST MAGICAL GOAL OF ALLLLL TIME: Get a cat and name him Steve Bee Hawking.

P.S. the handsome cat in the my pictures is Yahtzee, beloved cat of the men of Elgin Drive. The fantastic pictures were taken by Josh, of Elgin Drive.

People should fart more.

Okay, first of all, I'm totally serious.

 

 

The other day I was thinking about it and really, farting is hilarious.

 

 

Our bodies make funny sounds that squeeze out of us like a balloon slowing having its air released...and those sounds smell! How is that not funny?

 

 

I suppose some situations are simply just inappropriate farting times...like...NOPE. Every situation that I think of where farting would be awful could just become funny!  And come on, who doesn't want a good laugh at a funeral, a wedding, or with a lover?

 

 

Some people might suggest that farting is just rude in polite company, as is belching, but really it's just a load of cultural crap. Crap..haha...farts..

 

 

I mean really, when's the last time a mentally healthy adult reprimanded a baby for farting?

 

 

Our bodies are amazing things; they perform some of the most complex processes constantly and without any conscience effort on our part. One of the things they do is process waste- they use what they need and discard the toxic junk. Farting is one of the ways they discard junk and I don't know about you, but I think it's ridiculous to hold in toxic waste when you could just so easily...FART.

 

Post script: I work with 11 year-olds 5 days a week; I'm used to strange smells and sounds.

Laura's Process of Becoming Pt. 2

Look at that, there is a part 2, and it's a doozy! I'm posting this for those who have asked me to share. The hesitancy I'm experiencing is ridiculous. As usual, this is pretty cerebral stuff.

 

In my last post I said I needed to disappear, well disappear I did...sort of. The problem, I only disappeared in the bad ways and not in the good ways. I became idle, and that idleness didn't feed my soul, it led to several emotional breakdowns. Who knows, maybe those cry/freak-out fests were good for me.

Albert Camus said, “Idleness is fatal only to the mediocre.” Well maybe that's it, perhaps I'm just mediocre. Thanks a lot, Camus, you always know how to cheer me up.

I've prided myself on being a very open person for a long time. I'll say anything, tell anyone anything, and share anything if only I'm asked. I blog about my personal feelings, because I don't have secrets. I don't like feeling like a person split in two, and secrets make me feel like my insides and outsides are incongruous.

For a time that's how I felt though, split in two. I felt the pull of so many things inside my head for so long that it was driving me insane, and I knew I had to do something drastically different with my life.

I reached the point where I said to myself, make a choice. God wont let you wander off a cliff. I made a choice, hoping it would alleviate the ripping inside. But now, here I am, and I'm afraid. I'm happy that I've made choices that I feel are right for me, but now I face that hypocrisy I've feared for so long. I feel like I have to hide who I am, but I don't want to hide something I'm not ashamed of.

I've hidden it for a while because I know it's difficult for others and I didn't want to hurt anybody. Well, I still don't want to hurt anybody, but at what point am I allowed to say, "This is me now and I don't want to hide it."

The following is taken from a sort of letter I wrote to some of my very best friends about a month or two ago. Since that time some things have changed and developed, including some of my beliefs. I suppose I don't owe this to anyone but myself, and that's why I'm sharing it. If some of the tense or wording doesn't make sense- just remember, it was in response to questions from my friends. Let's be real, I was too lazy to write any sort of real  or updated explanation, so here we go.

"I got to a point where I decided I had to make some sort of choice because life was miserable. I chose to leave the church. I don't have any bitterness towards the church or its people or my friends and loved ones. Actually I feel like a lot of the bitterness I did have left. I am really happy right now, but that's not me saying I think leaving the church makes everyone happy. I think I'm happy because I made a choice and because I let go of my unrealistic expectations and judgments I had for myself and that I thought others had for me.

I keep feeling like life is going to suddenly start being harder in regards to spirituality, and I know it will- that's life, but I am surprised that it isn't as challenging as I thought it would be in a way. I don't mean it's easier to sin, I mean some part of me is surprised people still love me- and that's obviously a red flag about something I need to work on believing. That people could have unconditional love for me.

I might crash and burn and I'm willing to take the risk. That's how I feel about it all- life, dating, and church. I'm still being me and I'm still being smart, but I have to do some things that scare me.

I don't have some cemented thesis for why I left the church. I wasn't miserable and I don't blame the church for my struggles either. Uggh, the more I try to write the more I wish I could say it. I suppose I'm hesitant to share my reasons because I don't want to hash it out or debate it. I don't feel I have to have an exacting list of reasons that are without flaw for why I'm doing what I'm doing what I'm doing.

Here’s a piece of a blog post never finished from a few months ago, “I don't think anyone specifically thinks, ‘You know what would be great? It would be great if members of the LDS faith were scared to have doubts. I would just love it if they were convinced that deciding against the church would lead to all of their friends and family treating them poorly. Yeah, that'd be great. Let's make a MormonAd about it. Don't question the church, or you'll be in a world of hurt. xoxo, Dear Leader.’

On a daily basis as of late I wake up in the morning deciding to leave the church, but by the end of the night I'm convinced that I should stick with it.

In the morning I think, I'm just trying to talk myself into the church because it's easier to stick with the status quo. It's easier because my friends are members. It's easier because I have a routine and a way of life, all based on the church. It's easier because it's what my family wants. It's appealing because then I have a pre-made dogma that explains where I'm going in this life and in the next, and forever...It's easier because it's what I've always believed and done and known.

When I go to bed at night I think I talk myself into leaving the church because it's easier to make up my own belief system- one that could include a life with my family after death and some a lot of the doctrine I've learned from the LDS church. It's easier because I could feel free from  some of the constant onslaught of inner turmoil and guilt I provide myself constantly. It's easier because I could get those cute toe tattoos that I really want without feeling the guilt of 1,000 murders. It's easier because I would have another day on the weekend.

In the morning I think, I only feel emotion based on missing my father, and well made, emotionally gripping videos, stories, and lessons made by the church- it's not the spirit, its emotion. I feel joy in the mountains, and I do believe God made the mountains, but I don't think the Mormon's have ownership of that good feeling. I think the church creates feelings that lead to guilt, fear, and judgment from and against me. I think about all of the people that have used religion to hurt me. I think about all of the people that I have hurt, with my faith as a weapon. I think about how modesty doesn't make sense. I think about my institute teacher telling me that my questions about the church concern him, and that I should have asked them 10 years ago, and that I should talk to my bishop."

Now, bear in mind that what I just shared is an incomplete and unfiltered or edited product. After saying all that, I intended to say that none of it mattered. None of my "problems" with the church matter. All that really matters is, is it true or not? If the church is true all of the problems might still matter, but not enough to leave the church. If it's not true then all of the good doesn't matter that much either.

I mean, sure the good helps us live good lives, but it's like some apostle (I think Holland) said, if the church isn't true then Joseph Smith is the greatest charlatan the world has ever known. Enter my extreme hesitancy for sharing my reasons for leaving the church. I don't want to tell you you're wrong, and in my mind you're not. I think you should live the Gospel and be happy. I think you should hold fast to your faith and love it. I'm not saying I think the church is terrible or Joseph Smith is a charlatan. I suppose you can say that I have to choose and make up my mind, but that was driving me insane. I had all of these twists and pulls in my mind for a long time and I was dying inside. I was happy with my life, but I was also full of so much turmoil and bitterness.

At a certain point I decided to follow some Gospel logic and pick a path. I have been telling people for years that God would never let them wander off a cliff. In the scriptures they tell us that we should make a choice and then God will let us know if that choice is wrong or right and I so I decided to step off of the cliff.

It's hard for me to not feel led to where I am. All summer at camp I felt I was being led about by some power, but oh I struggled. I struggled every Friday when I had to tell my girls that the Book of Mormon was true and there is no other answer. It was hard for me to share my testimony without having any extra little twists or secret loopholes. I don't think I ever really shared any straight forward testimonies that didn't include something about people finding their own path, and making things work for them.

I prayed constantly that if this was wrong God would let me know. I prayed to know the truth of things like the Gospel, the BoM, the plan of salvation, all of it- and I received nothing. I prayed to know if I was receiving something and I wasn't realizing it too. I talked with my bishop and studied talks. I really tried, but then I decided to try nothing and nothing felt great. Maybe I will "get it" one day and realize my foolish ways, but right now I don't believe the church is true and that is why I left it.

I do think I have control over how much I'm "pulled." Maybe I'm misunderstanding you (This was in response to a concern from a friend that I would perhaps lose control over the pull certain vices have)...but I think tattoos, drinking, etc. are like anything else in this life- I have to be very aware and smart about how I treat them. I am not a tattooed lady and that means I'm not going to become rockabilly and get sleeves, but to me it doesn't mean I can't get a tattoo. A tattoo or two does not make me the tattooed lady. As far as drinking- same thing. I don't like drugs in general, they ruin lives and I don't intend to partake in them. Drugs and alcohol are very different to me on the one hand, but on the other they're not. I'm just using some of the most common examples of big sins or things the church teaches against I guess.

I'm just saying I'm still me. I think there are a lot of lines that I don't worry about crossing (piercings, tattoos, drinking) because I think they're morally wrong, but rather I don't want to cross them because I don't see myself as that person. Sleeves aren't my style, and neither is the party life style. I suppose I could take some of those things further, but they're not my style and I'm not 21 and I don't necessarily want to do rebellious things simply because I can.

I welcome questions right now, but I'm sure you can imagine that if they were to continue on a regular basis for an indefinite period of time it would most likely drive me away. That's just the honest truth I think. I haven't told anyone this information because I hold it close, careful, and private. My brain can't help but think of counter-arguments for everything I say and so sharing this information makes me feel vulnerable and sensitive.

 I know you (my friends and family) want me to be happy, and perhaps we have different definitions of happiness, but continual preaching directed at changing my mind will most likely only wear on me in a negative way. If you're sharing things in a natural way about life and religion I welcome it, but if it's, 'Laura I found this talk that I thought would make you feel the spirit and repent', I'm probably not going to love it.

I guess I don't think I will crash and burn. I have heard a lot of stories about people crashing and burning and they scare me, but I don't think I will. I'm being open with the people closest to me- like you guys. I'm being smart and I just want to live a life filled with good. I constantly reevaluate and ask myself if I'm missing something, and if I discover I am missing something I will do my best to pursue that path with courage.

One last thing. I never meant to spring this all on you guys like this. In one way it wasn't a surprise because of the difficulties and problems I was facing with my faith. But as far as the path to leave the gospel, that totally caught me off guard. I wasn't trying to keep anything from you guys, especially because I didn't realize what was happening either.

I don't want you to feel like I had some secret depressed/church hating life. I didn't and I don't. I am and have been very happy overall, but there were an increasing number of problems in my spiritual life that I couldn't resolve. It's so hard not to feel led here. I realize it doesn't make sense for God as we know Him to lead me away from the church, which suggests that I'm being led by a less desirable being, but it's hard for me to see it as something else. Maybe I am that frog that was slowly boiled alive, but I've only ever tried to find truth and increase my testimony."

Well, there you have it. I am truly sorry if this upsets anyone or causes pain, but I want to live an open life and I suppose this post is one way of doing it. Please don't feel the need to argue with me, or to share 3 billion talks guaranteed to save my soul. I haven't died, condolences aren't necessary. I suppose I run the risk of receiving some undesirable feedback by sharing my personal journey online, but for now that's a risk I'm willing to take. Man, I wish I could be one of the private people. Blech.

I'm going going

Gone.

I think I need to disappear for a while.

Take a hike on a breeze.

You may not hear from me for a while.

I'm still here, just unseen.

Maybe I'll paint, and maybe I'll read. 

I will surely doing some searching.

And hopefully some finding.

Sometimes in life the world is abandoning you, so you have to leave it to itself.

The friends you didn't know didn't matter will leave you.

The ones that will stay will always stay. 

So peace out douchey world, see you on the other side...

Or at my schools public ribbon cutting this Friday. 

The Constant Pull

There is a constant battle in my mind. Everything is all connected- we're the blanket. I was led to this moment. Most often it's hard for me to feel otherwise. I look at my life and all I can see are trails and whispers that led me to the person I am, the people I know, and the things I experience.

For some more insight on "the blanket" I mentioned earlier, you should watch some clips from one of my all time favorite movies, I Heart Huckabees.

Disclaimer: The first video says the f-word and has some random "subliminal message junk edited in, also stop watching it at 3:09 because it stops being Huckabees. All of that being said, it's a great clip.

 

 

 

 

It's at this point when I'm feeling the most warm and fuzzy, and connected to everything, when Albert Camus slaps me in the face with a hardcover copy of The Stranger and I feel like nothing is connected and life is just and simply what you make it.

 

 

 

I think it's nice to assume that something big and wonderful, the universe or God, is guiding us. It's comforting, but it can also take away from our personal responsibility. It wasn't my fault, it was Satan's. It wasn't my fault, I was led to the decision. I couldn't help it, it was fate. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault.

 

 

Sometimes stuff just happens and it's not our fault, but how much more often should we take more responsibility for our actions? Maybe it is all connected and maybe it's not, but either way we're the glue or absence. We are what makes our lives. Our choices every day are what make things happier or more difficult. We will never have control over some things

 like natural disasters or the actions of others, but we will always have the ultimate control of ourselves.

 

 

As I was thinking about the constant pull within me between thinking life meaning everything and life kind of meaning nothing, this song came on and it reminded me that there really is one thing in this existence that is connecting us all. One thing that means everything- love.

 

 

(If you haven't listened to the latest Daft Punk at least 20 times you're doing life wrong. Also, you might struggle with the intro to this song- skip to 1:50 if that is you. Seriously, this song kicks trash.)

 

 

There are a lot of things I will never understand, but I know love matters. I don't know how much it matters, I don't think I can comprehend that, but I know it matters. I know it drives and moves things. I know it reminds me of how much I can make a difference in the world. It also reminds me of how powerless I am.

Laura's Process of becoming. Pt. 1 (I don't mean to imply that there will be a Pt. 2)

I don’t know how to start this. I think of my friend, Maggie’s Blog called, “The Process of Becoming,” and I think that’s the perfect way to put it. I’m in the process of becoming. What I am becoming, I do not know, and that really is the problem in and of it.

Firstly when I say problem I don’t mean that it’s a bad thing, I mean it’s like a math problem that I know is going to take a long time to solve, if ever, and I am working on it. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing. It means I’m headed towards bigger and better things. It means I’m improving as a person. It hurts the junk out of my brain and sometimes I have to take breaks from myself, but ultimately it’s a good stretch- like tearing muscles to build more muscle. Okay, had enough metaphors yet?

I wanted to post Helplessness Blues by Fleet Foxes, but my computadora is being a twit and wont let me. Listen to it. Do it.

http://fleetfoxes.com/music

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYsmMRHUt_U

I know I’ve talked about this sort of thing before, but it’s like I was telling a coworker of mine, this is a process in my life that is going to happen again and again. It’s like maturation rights or something, an entrance into my late 20’s to 30’s. It has all definitely been tossed into full gear since the departure of my old best friend. When a person you care about so much basically tells you you’re a bad person it makes you think, and at this point I’ve wondered if it was a good thing she dumped me. I’m now free to grow, to hurt, and to become a better person (the definition of which is up to me, not her or anyone else…but more of that to come).

There are a few things I know and they shape all of the questions, doubts, trials, perceptions, goals, and whatever else I’m constantly thinking about.

I know God exists and He loves me.

I know I am capable of more than I currently am.

I KNOW God wants me to be myself and to be happy. Like really.

I know God wants me to love and respect everyone.

Knowing and saying all that is great, but it doesn't make this process easier. Really I'm terrified. I'm terrified to tell anyone. I'm terrified because I've seen a lot of people hurt while trying to figure these things out, and I've already seen other people hurt because I'm trying to figure it out too.

I believe the LDS church genuinely teaches love at its core, but too often members (definitely including myself) have treated others like lesser beings because their spiritual decisions don't align with the mainstream of the church.

I don't know where my spiritual journey will lead me, but the reality is that it could lead me away from the LDS church. I'm certainly not saying it will, but I'm not saying it wont. I think spirituality and a relationship with God is intensely personal (which is why I'm blogging about it?). I just hate it when someone makes a conscience decision to believe differently than others and you hear people, innocently intended as they may be, say things like this:

"Satan deceived them." Because you're an idiot right now, but one day you'll get it. If you wouldn't say this to someone's face, why are you saying it to me?

"They're being selfish." Because you obviously made those decisions because you're thinking with your sinful body and you just want to drink and sex around.

 

"How did you pray?" Because you obviously did it wrong if you didn't get the same answer as me.

"You're just misunderstanding it." Keep rereading the doctrine, you'll find the right answer one day. It might be in 20 years, but you need to live the way we say even if you don't get it now.

Okay. So I know I'm upsetting someone, and I don't mean too. I'm just tired of people tossing those lovely daggers around like they're not daggers...like they're gummy bears or something pleasant to receive.

On the other hand there are definitely people who think you're an idiot for believing. Believing in the church, believing in a church, for believing in anything. Either way, do you think I want to listen to anyone go on and on about my apparent idiocy? NOPE. Yes please, say more of this to me:

"You're a sheep." Thanks for telling me I'm one of the teenagers from the Josie and the Pussycats movie.

"You are limiting yourself." Thanks for completely ignoring all of the fantastic things faith has ever brought me throughout my entire life. I guess all of the times I felt happy at church, it was only my lunacy and ignorance bringing cheer to my soul.

"Just have fun." You're right, I should ignore my moral conscience and have as much sex, as possible (Keep in mind, if someone doesn't think having a lot of/or any pre-marital sex is wrong, then they're not ignoring their moral conscience) (Also keep in mind general safety...you know, STDs).

"Mormons are all bigots and terrible people." Yes, attack my people. Group them into one pot of terrible. While we're at it, let's just say terrible things about all people who have anything in common. All Mexicans. All Jews. All Georgians. All musicians. All Demorepublibcommunists. All Canadians. Okay, but wait...all Canadians are weird though...

People shouldn't be afraid to figure out their own stuff. An active LDS member shouldn't be afraid to question their faith, or believe it. Hello Hans Mattsson.

I really hope and pray that regardless of the path I choose in this life, that I will be more sensitive, respectful and most of all, loving to everyone. I pray that I will never be the cause of fear for my future children or friends who question or leave the church. I hope I never make someone feel like they can't talk to me about their faith, their fears, their questions, or their choices.

I am in the process of becoming. I don't know who I'll become or where my Pocahontas river split will lead me. I do know a few things though.

I know God exists and He loves me.

I know I am capable of more than I currently am.

I KNOW God wants me to be myself and to be happy. Like really.

I know God wants me to love and respect everyone.

Do You Have an Old Laura somewhere inside you?

That's a creep factor-10 title.

Blarg. I think I've talked about this before, but once again it's been rearing it's ugly head. 

The Old Laura. Noooooooooooooooooo. 

I suppose everyone has an Old Laura. Or maybe some of you were born fantastic and never went through a mean phase or something (I bet you're kinda boring if you don't have an Old Laura in you, no! That was mean! It's the Old Laura coming out again!)

When I was younger I was a bit of a bully. I was mean and I really hurt some people with my words and behavior. Honestly I was a bully until about 1/2 way through college. I just didn't get that I should be nice. Sure I was nice to some people, but my humor was mainly deprecating and teasing at other people's expense.

 I don't want to go into details, but I was a real dickweed in elementary school. In HS I just didn't really have friends until senior year, and even when I did I was still mean, funny mean, but mean non the less. In college I started out as a hellion, just ask anyone who knew me when I was 18, but slowly and surely I changed. 

When I graduated from college one of my mentors and professors said I was like a different person. He was proud of me, and I was proud of myself too. I still teased and used mean humor to get a laugh and to protect myself, but I was better. 

I remember being back in Southern Utah and talking to a friend of mine on Facebook chat. It became our thing to "burn" each other and then award our foe with points...but the thing was, I was the only one burning. I started to have romantic feelings for this guy, but 90 %of the time when we communicated it was just me saying some sort of your mom joke and him laughing and saying, "Good one! 100 points!" It was about that time that I realized I hadn't quite eradicated the Old Laura yet, and that there was more to do.

Since that time I have tried to be kind as much as possible. I'm far from my goal and I have a lot of work to do, but I do feel that I have made positive growth. I think people in general would even say I'm pretty nice, or at least they wouldn't say I'm a jerk. 

But sometimes she comes out...the Old Laura. I hate her. Hate is a strong word, but I just hate her. I know she's a part of who I am and shaped the person I am today, but I don't like it when she visits. I tear myself apart and I have a hard time forgiving myself when I let it happen. It's just hard. I think, be nice...but then all of the sudden I start teasing someone and before I know I've created a negative relationship with someone. They know I tease them and then they tease me and that's just how we are...but that's not how I want it to be.

Having a negative humor relationship is dangerous, we always get hurt and we always take it too far. But it's hard to change a pattern once one has been created. Negative humor patterns and relationships happen with all sorts of people- co-workers, family, ward members, and friends.

One place I see it happen the most is with men I am attracted to. The Old Laura is made up of fear and protective mechanisms. 

If I leave him, he can't leave me.

If I push him away, he can't leave me.

If I'm a jerk, he will leave me.

I'm in control and I know he will leave me...

Like Blake and any other guy who split like a banana the second they found out I was romantically interested in them.

Like my friends.

Like certain members of my family.

Like my dad.

If I make them leave they can't make me leave...

So here we go. I like a guy, turn on the charm.

 1. Compliment them and shower them with flirtations and attention.

2. Fall head over heels for them and suck in all the dopamine in the universe

a. BECOME BI-POLAR

3. Sometimes be super nice to them

a. Sometime be super mean to them

b. Publicly humiliate them

c. Emasculate them

d. Stir in gifts, hugs, sexual innuendos, melt-downs, too many apologies, and a dash of self-loathing

4. They find out, whether by me or some other means, that I have feelings that are more than friendly for them

5. They leave

Perfect plan, right? NO! Stinkin' Old Laura! Go home Old Laura, yer drunk! Stahhhhhp!

Seriously readers, advice? I know my problem and I'm sure this self-awareness is half of the battle, but it's just hard. Sometimes I just get so exasperated with myself. I plan things out in my head. Next time I see him I will be a peach, and then I see him and I'm a total Reuben sandwich (I really dislike those)! And it's only after the fact that I seem to realize what I'm doing...I'm like a bad drunk who doesn't drink. At this rate I'll never have any meaningful relationships with men I'm attracted to.

A friend of mine suggested that when the right guy comes along he wont give a cootie catcher about my defense mechanisms, and that he'll want me regardless. Well maybe that's true, but in the mean time I'd like to improve myself, and not just with guys.

I'm going to take my usual route, and that is to focus on the positive. I will be so kind that there isn't room for the Old Laura. I will pray for help. I will share every genuine compliment that pops into my head.

But really though, any other advice? Suggestions to help myself help myself? I want to vanquish the Old Laura, once and for all.

Just do it.

I just went on a run and it was like a Nike commercial. For real.

Storm in the distance. Bohemian Rhasphody, the part that says, "thunder bolts and lightening!" right when the real life lightening was striking!

Blossoms and small rain drops floated through the air. The smell of honeysuckle was all around. 

I saw two house cats- good omen! 

A cute guy smiled at me...and did not attack me! 

I ran real far, and at a good pace! 

Sunset! Endorphins! 

And then a stupid dog was in the middle of the road and I pulled over and tried to get it but it ran away. I pulled over 8 times and it ran away every time! There were three other cars trying to rescue this idiot dog! I mean it was running right down the middle of the road up Harrison, just past canyon road, at dusk! DOGS ARE THE WORST!

SERIOUS WORD VOMIT.

Here's something I'm working on

This is how I feel about life. I know where it will end and how it will end, but  the suspense of the journey is killing me!

I'm trying not to let my affections for men marionette my behavior, feelings, actions, or thoughts. For example, right now I have romantic feelings for two different guys and I use them as emotional hockey goals. If the one, let's call him Angelina, is giving me attention I am in heaven. I forget the other, let's call him Brad, and only have eyes for Angelina.

The way i spend my time and  energy shouldn't be based on my inner brain made up relationships with me

But then I see Angelina giving some other girl affection. Angelina doesn't fawn over me alone, or he doesn't talk to me in constant and timely bouts- time for Brad. Switch and repeat. Then give it a few months and find a new Brangelina.

Something else I've realized, I need to let go of the old and embrace the new

 I don't even know what the deal is. I mean is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lang?! Okay, now I'm falling apart and tossing out I Heart Huckabees quotes. I'm sorry guys, I guess this is just how my brain feels. You get a taste, a zombie bite of my cerebral cortex or something...this is my brain ALL THE TIME (and especially this year).

I just always have a million things in there punching it out. Questions about my faith and God. Questions about men and people in general.

For example, I have general confusion about my friendships with men. I have a lot of them right now and I'm always faced with anxiety about my status with some of them. I don't feel that way about them, do they feel that way about me? I DO feel that way about them, what do they think of me? Am I texting too much? Am I revealing my feelings for them too much? What does that mean? Blah blah blah. Who gives a hot damn?

"Nice to meet you,. Wanna see my Pinterest wedding ideas board?..Oh no reason, I just wanna know what you think of some of my pins..."

Remember my last post? I'm Catwoman and you have no right to my inner workings and I do what I want? Say what, holda holda holda hold-up. I guess I changed my mind, welcome to the inner workings. Welcome to me not doing what I want.

Every time I communicate with someone I'm assimilating and making connections, but is this necessarily a bad thing? Yes and no. Yes, because I'm creating something that I'm not sure I am and people are attaching themselves to that creation. No, because we're human and it's a built in survival mechanism and there's nothing wrong with trying to make connections with the people we interact with.

It doesn't matter what you achieve in this life, if you don't share it with people.

It always goes back to my search for balance I suppose. I have to balance my innate desire to make connections with people and my need to be myself. I have to balance the belief that EVERY friendship, no matter how shallow or short, matters, with a need to weed out negativity in my life. I have to balance my needs for sleep, personal progression and achievement with the desire to make human connections. Do I go to Denny's and stay up talking to a friend in need, or do I eat dinner at home and go to sleep? The gym or church service?

In the words of The Great Lake Swimmers:

I'm just pulling on a line, on a line, I'm just pulling on a line

I'm just pulling on a line, on a line, and sometimes it pulls on me

The line, it inks across the freshly fallen snow,

Where only those embracing coldness would go

It whistles and it whispers, and sometimes it howls,

It sings to me sweetly from the trees and in vowels

I have too much to say and I lack the talent to organize it properly. One time a friend of mine said she liked my posts because they were all over the place and it felt like talking to me in real life. That's my goal I suppose, to share my inner thoughts mostly untamed. To let people know someone else is thinking what they're thinking. To let a few people out there know that we're all kinda messed up, confused, awkward, and just trying to figure out what happens in a meadow at dusk...or in other words, life.

I am Catwoman.

First things first. I love cats, check. I like wearing black (probably because I am a heathen who worships sin, and I am goth), check. I want to make out with Batman, check. I hate dogs, check. I bet I could rock a whip if I tried. Now, onto the post.

Growing up in California, I didn't have a lot of Mormon friends outside of church. Actually, I didn't ever feel like I had a lot of Mormon friends in church. I remember them teasing me and making fun of my favorite dress. They thought I was weird. Everyone always thought I was weird, and they still do. I guess in that regard I feel like Superman, never fitting it.

One time my sister said, "You like being called weird! You call yourself weird because you want attention." But that's the thing, I didn't wake up one day when I was 5 and decide to call myself weird. People used that word as a weapon and I suppose at a certain point I internalized things. Or maybe I took something that was used to hurt me, and tried to turn it into a badge of honor. I think people do that a lot. But I can tell you one thing, this wasn't my perception of what I thought people thought of me, from a very early age people have said out loud, to my face as compliments or daggers, that I am weird.

The weird label has been there for so long I can only accept it, for good or bad, as a part of my identity, but this post isn't really about my being weird. In California amongst my friends I was the goody goody. I didn't start swearing until the 6th grade. I still remember my friends teasing me because I wouldn't swear and then finally I have in one day and swore, and they clapped for me. From there it was downhill in Mormon surface sin world. Every other word that came out of my mouth at school was the F-bomb or the B-word. But still, I didn't try any drugs. I didn't make-out or have sex. I didn't shoplift, watch porn, or drink like my friends- regardless of the things that came out of my mouth I was a goody goody at heart, and the people there could see it.



When I moved to Utah the Catwoman in me started to develop. I don't know if this is related but the one and only cat I've ever had ran away and died the day I moved to Utah...



In Utah I was the anti-Christ. I swore and constantly told dirty jokes, behavior which now seems to be the crest of most of my siblings. In California this was what I did to fit in and here all it did was put up giant walls around me. One time this kid, Quinn, said to me in response to a dirty joke, "Laura, do you even have a religion?" Around this time I also had a seminary teacher who hated me because I asked questions that were a little too devils advocate in institute. He used to tell us that most of us wouldn't go to the Celestial Kingdom, and that we'd be scrubbing his toilets while he sat up there behind the pearly gates...talk about spiritual confusion.

That hit me really hard. I had a bad-influence friend and talked to random boys on the phone. I told dirty jokes and swore...I guess I was a real heathen. But here's the thing. I still didn't do drugs, make-out, have sex, shop lift, watch porn, or drink. Anyway, back to the religion-less Laura. I knew I had to change, I was on a bad path...? I realized that the way people perceived my spirituality mattered...? Wait, what the?! Anyway, fast forward to the future (over the hell that was Freshman-Junior years of high school) and I was teased for being a Molly Mormon. I guess you can't please everyone. Even now, in the midst of being viewed as a heathen by many, I'm viewed as the too perfect alien Superman by others.

Senior year, I finally made a friend and she was a real goody-goody. I had never been friends with someone so perfect, but I had a friend and boy did I love her. I remember once she told me her parents thought I was a bad influence. I was going to church and seminary. I devoted time to my scriptures daily, sometimes for an hour or more. I was reading all of the Work and the Glory books for fun. I didn't swear, drink, smoke, have sex, party...but still, something about me. I was a bad influence.



Enter college. The first time I felt like people really appreciated my weirdness. No longer was weird a dagger. People seemed to like me, even if it was sometimes just as the entertainment. But again, I was the bad one in the group. No one told me I was bad, but they did say, "Laura! You can't say that!" "Laura, don't do that!" Everything I did was inappropriate and I was always at battle with myself. The battle between "being myself" and behaving how everyone else thought I should. I love my college friends dearly, but lets be honest, I was the bad seed of the group.

Ogden. Here we go again. I was the love child of the devil and Lady Gaga. I mind as well have been Barack Obama to these people. Everything I said and did was a sin, and they let me know it. I was "bad" because I love Mean Girls and spandex. As I've aged over the years I really feel like I've settled into myself, kinda like every other late 20's person out there. By then, not so suddenly, one day my daughter of Gaga heathen ways became too much and I was let go. I was told that I said things that made my friends uncomfortable, but they felt they couldn't tell me because they thought I would laugh at them. I was told I was headed down a bad path. Thank you for thinking so highly of me, friends. P.S. I routinely have nightmares about you.

Is it all I my head...nope. Here it was, being told to my face...well, over the phone. You're weird. You're bad. You're a villain.

Why am I Catwoman? Because maybe I've done some light cat-burglary. I swear, I watch R-movies sometimes, I tell pervy jokes, ask the wrong questions and make the wrong comments in church. She also loves spandex and has a lot of va va voom. Hello! I like rock and roll, fake cigarettes, and I secretly wish I could be a rockabilly sex bomb sometimes.



But here's the thing about Catwoman. She was always viewed as a villain, but she was really was good at heart. She was a villain who never had to see the bishop. She had secrets, but I have none. I'm tired of being viewed as a villain when I'm not one. I might view things differently than you. I might disagree with you. I might do some light burglary, but I am behaving in a way that I think God wants me to behave, and I'm tired of people thinking they have any right to participate in my personal relationship with God.

Sometimes I feel hopeless. Hopeless to think I'll find people who love me the way I am and not as the entertainment, or as the reminder that they're more righteous than someone else. I'm lucky, I have a few people in my life that love me as I am, and this post was certainly not directed at them. I might feel hopeless sometimes, but I am not without hope. I know God and His Son love me and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is my path to happiness. I am happy now, and I know one day things will work out, whatever that means.