Mind vomit.

Sigh. I think I've figured out something, in part, that is terribly depressing about my brain.

Recently, while talking to a friend I used to be romantically attracted to, I realized some commonalities that the men I tend to be attracted to have. This part didn't really bother me- it just kind of made me laugh. It was thinking out the reasons that I might be attracted to these qualities that worried me.

Brown hair, blue eyes, sure sure.

Similar music and movie tastes, sure sure- makes sense.

Social recluse. Okay, so I'm hesitant to write this, because it will make some things a little to obvious to past and present love interests. Love interests who have no love interest in me. Whatever, it's 1:02 am, here we go.

Social recluses. Men who are a little too comfortable being by themselves. Okay, I'm all for alone time and I want a man who is too. I've joked (but I'm actually pretty serious) about wanting a man who maybe works a lot or doesn't mind his share of alone time. I like alone time and I like my space. I don't think I could handle a man who always wanted to be together. I'd be like, "Hon, go out with yo' friends, ima do me."

But as I listened to my beautiful Adonis-like friend, who I now see I could never be with, I realized the men I've been interested in are a little more than your average kind of hermit. Not leave their bedroom for a week, sure sure. Not leave their bedroom for a month, sure sure. You get the point.

Now most people like a little alone time, but I'm talked serious isolation. And I thought that was odd, that I most of the men I've been really into since high school were like this. I don't know, I guess it makes sense. I had a hard time making friends in high school, and I spent many a night in the closet under the stairs (where our computer was) making Lord of the Rings/Enya slide shows and googling music stuff. Maybe I just want, on some level, a man that I feel I can relate to...even though post high school I became uber social at points.

But I started to wonder. Maybe I want them isolated because I'm afraid to share them. Other people present a danger. They can take my love interest away from me. What if he thinks they're cooler than me? What if he thinks they're prettier than me? What if he thinks they're funnier, wittier, better, smarter, better, chiller, better than me? Maybe it's the competition I'm afraid of. Maybe I'm afraid that basically everyone on the planet is a more desirable companion than me, and maybe I'm attracted to men who have terribly small social circles because then there's less competition.

I facebook stalk them, like everyone else on the planet, and I create competition in my head. That girl he's FB friends with (and met one time in a college class 5 years ago) becomes an ex-girlfriend whom he still has a burning attraction to. It's like old horror movies- your mind always creates a far more chilling story then any fancy visuals ever could.

Your mind knows all of the things you're afraid of, present or past, conscience or sub-conscience. My mind makes all of those girls into Goddess Heras, even if they are his obscure and creepy cousins (no one is a cousin, they're all single and ravenous, and a threat). My mind even makes all of those guy friends a threat- I'm sure he'd much rather hang out with Joe then pitiful me.

I'm so tired of being afraid and insecure. And then I get insecure about being insecure. Men don't like insecure girls. Forever alone...time to go to Betos.

Is unconfidence even a word? What the hell does diffidence mean?! Effing google images.

So what do I do? I don't know. Maybe it's time to work on my confidence or something...Or I could eat more nachos and get more plants. Plants will always love me.