Do You Have an Old Laura somewhere inside you?

That's a creep factor-10 title.

Blarg. I think I've talked about this before, but once again it's been rearing it's ugly head. 

The Old Laura. Noooooooooooooooooo. 

I suppose everyone has an Old Laura. Or maybe some of you were born fantastic and never went through a mean phase or something (I bet you're kinda boring if you don't have an Old Laura in you, no! That was mean! It's the Old Laura coming out again!)

When I was younger I was a bit of a bully. I was mean and I really hurt some people with my words and behavior. Honestly I was a bully until about 1/2 way through college. I just didn't get that I should be nice. Sure I was nice to some people, but my humor was mainly deprecating and teasing at other people's expense.

 I don't want to go into details, but I was a real dickweed in elementary school. In HS I just didn't really have friends until senior year, and even when I did I was still mean, funny mean, but mean non the less. In college I started out as a hellion, just ask anyone who knew me when I was 18, but slowly and surely I changed. 

When I graduated from college one of my mentors and professors said I was like a different person. He was proud of me, and I was proud of myself too. I still teased and used mean humor to get a laugh and to protect myself, but I was better. 

I remember being back in Southern Utah and talking to a friend of mine on Facebook chat. It became our thing to "burn" each other and then award our foe with points...but the thing was, I was the only one burning. I started to have romantic feelings for this guy, but 90 %of the time when we communicated it was just me saying some sort of your mom joke and him laughing and saying, "Good one! 100 points!" It was about that time that I realized I hadn't quite eradicated the Old Laura yet, and that there was more to do.

Since that time I have tried to be kind as much as possible. I'm far from my goal and I have a lot of work to do, but I do feel that I have made positive growth. I think people in general would even say I'm pretty nice, or at least they wouldn't say I'm a jerk. 

But sometimes she comes out...the Old Laura. I hate her. Hate is a strong word, but I just hate her. I know she's a part of who I am and shaped the person I am today, but I don't like it when she visits. I tear myself apart and I have a hard time forgiving myself when I let it happen. It's just hard. I think, be nice...but then all of the sudden I start teasing someone and before I know I've created a negative relationship with someone. They know I tease them and then they tease me and that's just how we are...but that's not how I want it to be.

Having a negative humor relationship is dangerous, we always get hurt and we always take it too far. But it's hard to change a pattern once one has been created. Negative humor patterns and relationships happen with all sorts of people- co-workers, family, ward members, and friends.

One place I see it happen the most is with men I am attracted to. The Old Laura is made up of fear and protective mechanisms. 

If I leave him, he can't leave me.

If I push him away, he can't leave me.

If I'm a jerk, he will leave me.

I'm in control and I know he will leave me...

Like Blake and any other guy who split like a banana the second they found out I was romantically interested in them.

Like my friends.

Like certain members of my family.

Like my dad.

If I make them leave they can't make me leave...

So here we go. I like a guy, turn on the charm.

 1. Compliment them and shower them with flirtations and attention.

2. Fall head over heels for them and suck in all the dopamine in the universe

a. BECOME BI-POLAR

3. Sometimes be super nice to them

a. Sometime be super mean to them

b. Publicly humiliate them

c. Emasculate them

d. Stir in gifts, hugs, sexual innuendos, melt-downs, too many apologies, and a dash of self-loathing

4. They find out, whether by me or some other means, that I have feelings that are more than friendly for them

5. They leave

Perfect plan, right? NO! Stinkin' Old Laura! Go home Old Laura, yer drunk! Stahhhhhp!

Seriously readers, advice? I know my problem and I'm sure this self-awareness is half of the battle, but it's just hard. Sometimes I just get so exasperated with myself. I plan things out in my head. Next time I see him I will be a peach, and then I see him and I'm a total Reuben sandwich (I really dislike those)! And it's only after the fact that I seem to realize what I'm doing...I'm like a bad drunk who doesn't drink. At this rate I'll never have any meaningful relationships with men I'm attracted to.

A friend of mine suggested that when the right guy comes along he wont give a cootie catcher about my defense mechanisms, and that he'll want me regardless. Well maybe that's true, but in the mean time I'd like to improve myself, and not just with guys.

I'm going to take my usual route, and that is to focus on the positive. I will be so kind that there isn't room for the Old Laura. I will pray for help. I will share every genuine compliment that pops into my head.

But really though, any other advice? Suggestions to help myself help myself? I want to vanquish the Old Laura, once and for all.