Laura's Process of becoming. Pt. 1 (I don't mean to imply that there will be a Pt. 2)

I don’t know how to start this. I think of my friend, Maggie’s Blog called, “The Process of Becoming,” and I think that’s the perfect way to put it. I’m in the process of becoming. What I am becoming, I do not know, and that really is the problem in and of it.

Firstly when I say problem I don’t mean that it’s a bad thing, I mean it’s like a math problem that I know is going to take a long time to solve, if ever, and I am working on it. It’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing. It means I’m headed towards bigger and better things. It means I’m improving as a person. It hurts the junk out of my brain and sometimes I have to take breaks from myself, but ultimately it’s a good stretch- like tearing muscles to build more muscle. Okay, had enough metaphors yet?

I wanted to post Helplessness Blues by Fleet Foxes, but my computadora is being a twit and wont let me. Listen to it. Do it.

http://fleetfoxes.com/music

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYsmMRHUt_U

I know I’ve talked about this sort of thing before, but it’s like I was telling a coworker of mine, this is a process in my life that is going to happen again and again. It’s like maturation rights or something, an entrance into my late 20’s to 30’s. It has all definitely been tossed into full gear since the departure of my old best friend. When a person you care about so much basically tells you you’re a bad person it makes you think, and at this point I’ve wondered if it was a good thing she dumped me. I’m now free to grow, to hurt, and to become a better person (the definition of which is up to me, not her or anyone else…but more of that to come).

There are a few things I know and they shape all of the questions, doubts, trials, perceptions, goals, and whatever else I’m constantly thinking about.

I know God exists and He loves me.

I know I am capable of more than I currently am.

I KNOW God wants me to be myself and to be happy. Like really.

I know God wants me to love and respect everyone.

Knowing and saying all that is great, but it doesn't make this process easier. Really I'm terrified. I'm terrified to tell anyone. I'm terrified because I've seen a lot of people hurt while trying to figure these things out, and I've already seen other people hurt because I'm trying to figure it out too.

I believe the LDS church genuinely teaches love at its core, but too often members (definitely including myself) have treated others like lesser beings because their spiritual decisions don't align with the mainstream of the church.

I don't know where my spiritual journey will lead me, but the reality is that it could lead me away from the LDS church. I'm certainly not saying it will, but I'm not saying it wont. I think spirituality and a relationship with God is intensely personal (which is why I'm blogging about it?). I just hate it when someone makes a conscience decision to believe differently than others and you hear people, innocently intended as they may be, say things like this:

"Satan deceived them." Because you're an idiot right now, but one day you'll get it. If you wouldn't say this to someone's face, why are you saying it to me?

"They're being selfish." Because you obviously made those decisions because you're thinking with your sinful body and you just want to drink and sex around.

 

"How did you pray?" Because you obviously did it wrong if you didn't get the same answer as me.

"You're just misunderstanding it." Keep rereading the doctrine, you'll find the right answer one day. It might be in 20 years, but you need to live the way we say even if you don't get it now.

Okay. So I know I'm upsetting someone, and I don't mean too. I'm just tired of people tossing those lovely daggers around like they're not daggers...like they're gummy bears or something pleasant to receive.

On the other hand there are definitely people who think you're an idiot for believing. Believing in the church, believing in a church, for believing in anything. Either way, do you think I want to listen to anyone go on and on about my apparent idiocy? NOPE. Yes please, say more of this to me:

"You're a sheep." Thanks for telling me I'm one of the teenagers from the Josie and the Pussycats movie.

"You are limiting yourself." Thanks for completely ignoring all of the fantastic things faith has ever brought me throughout my entire life. I guess all of the times I felt happy at church, it was only my lunacy and ignorance bringing cheer to my soul.

"Just have fun." You're right, I should ignore my moral conscience and have as much sex, as possible (Keep in mind, if someone doesn't think having a lot of/or any pre-marital sex is wrong, then they're not ignoring their moral conscience) (Also keep in mind general safety...you know, STDs).

"Mormons are all bigots and terrible people." Yes, attack my people. Group them into one pot of terrible. While we're at it, let's just say terrible things about all people who have anything in common. All Mexicans. All Jews. All Georgians. All musicians. All Demorepublibcommunists. All Canadians. Okay, but wait...all Canadians are weird though...

People shouldn't be afraid to figure out their own stuff. An active LDS member shouldn't be afraid to question their faith, or believe it. Hello Hans Mattsson.

I really hope and pray that regardless of the path I choose in this life, that I will be more sensitive, respectful and most of all, loving to everyone. I pray that I will never be the cause of fear for my future children or friends who question or leave the church. I hope I never make someone feel like they can't talk to me about their faith, their fears, their questions, or their choices.

I am in the process of becoming. I don't know who I'll become or where my Pocahontas river split will lead me. I do know a few things though.

I know God exists and He loves me.

I know I am capable of more than I currently am.

I KNOW God wants me to be myself and to be happy. Like really.

I know God wants me to love and respect everyone.