Mental vomit about grieving

I don't think this post will shatter any worlds or break ground, but I'd like to write it for myself, to help with my own grieving.

Firstly, I think everyone grieves differently. I realize that there are stages of grieving and all of that jazz (See here), but oh how it irks me when people try to tell me when and how to experience grief.

Go to 2:40

 I used to be a "major weeper" (see video selection above), but then I got some sort of hormonal imbalance/robotitis or something and stopped crying. Anyway, I didn't cry for more than a moment when my grandmother (one of my favorite people who ever lived) died (her obit), though I did cry a few weeks later for about 5 minutes more. When my brother died (his obit) I didn't cry either. I felt sad, but mostly I felt very relieved for him and happy he was out of pain. I didn't cry at his funeral, though I teared up a few times (when this happened I took several deep breaths until the feeling passed). In contrast, 4 years ago I bawled like a baby at my father's funeral.

I knew I would cry for Jeremy, but I knew it would come when I allowed it to. I didn't want to cry at work. I didn't want to cry in front of a lot of people. I wanted to cry alone and in a place and with people I trusted in a certain way. When I felt I was in a safe enough situation I purposefully triggered my emotions in a successful (approximately 10 minutes) attempt to cry.

Some people would view me as unfeeling or unhealthy, covering up my true feelings or some junk like that. I just see myself as guarded and careful with my feelings. It should be no secret to anyone who has ever read my blog that I have trust issues. As I've gotten older I've become more open and free in so many ways, but in others I've built up walls too high for anyone to traverse.

This song may not seem like a grief song, but with the Smith kids, it is.

I've found that I can grieve best by trying to continue with my life. I don't want to have tears pried from me, and even if someone did pry them from me it would be tears of anger directed towards them. The correct feelings and thoughts will come in their own due time. I'm not a description in a psychology book, I'm Laura (yes I do realize how very high school punk rawk/teenage angst of me that sounds and I don't give a damn).

My grief comes out of me when I feel frustrated with my romantic situation, or lack thereof. My grief comes out when I need a ride somewhere and I'm too southern-overly concerned with imposing/acting like my Nana and dad to ask for help, and I'm frustrated. My grief will come out when I step on the scale. My grief will come out when the kindergartners wont listen. My grief will come out in it's own due time and way.

It will come out my muscles and in stomach aches. It will come out in music and movies. It will come out when I do the dishes and when I take a shower. It will come out in song and in dance, and sometimes even in tears (crap, I'm starting to sound like a Martina McBride song).