Is it just me, or...

Do you ever want to dye your hair blue and get some tattoos? I DO! I have my whole life...well maybe not the tattoos, that desire comes and goes, but the overall desire to be a little more punk rock? I've always wanted to be a little more...intense...maybe get some piercings...but I've always known that I can't. And it's not just that I can't because it goes against what I've been taught, or the norm (at least my norm)- I really can't. Like a few weeks ago I was trying on clothes at target with my cousin. I picked out a skirt that I knew was too short, and I knew I couldn't get it...but I wanted to try it on because I like my legs and I knew it would be cute! And it was, it was so cute! My cousin said, "So get it," but I knew I couldn't.

On a more base level I can't get the skirt, or the piercings, or the blue hair because I know I would feel uncomfortable at church or FHE, and basically around anyone I hang out with...I'd have to go somewhere where I don't know anybody (and really, how safe is it to go alone, to a strange place, in a hot skirt? Not safe). So basically I couldn’t wear inappropriate clothing around most of my friends because it would make me, and probably them, uncomfortable. And what’s more, when I know the people around me don’t approve of my “crazy” appearance, I feel uncomfortable. Example: About a year ago I put blue chunks in my hair. I loved it, but I felt like I was doing something wrong. Technically you can go to the temple with any color hair you want, but that’s not the point- I (ME), I felt uncomfortable, like everyone was judging me (and I seriously doubt anyone at the temple even noticed, but I was paranoid that I felt awful the whole time (and if you’ve ever been in the temple, you’d know, it’s not a place to feel bad!) What’s more, I was doing baptisms and when I came out of the fount my blue hair dye leaked all over my white outfit! Again, I bet no one else noticed, but I sure did. The next day I bleached it out.

I CAN’T wear hoochie clothes because I know that I would feel uncomfortable with myself. Just like when I went to the temple with my blue hair, I know that I would hear a constant stream of criticism and paranoia in my own head! And that’s just for little things like blue hair and short skirts- at least I can bleach out the blue and take off the skirt. What if one of the times I thought a tattoo would be cool I had gotten one! What happens when I work with elementary school kids? I have to cover it up! What if I got a dolphin when I was younger, and now I hate dolphins! I can’t just take that off like a skirt!

So I can’t dye my hair blue, wear short skirts, pierce my eyebrows or lips, and I definitely get tattoos. It’s not that I won’t or don’t want to, it’s that I can’t. I can’t do something, knowing that it’s going to make me uncomfortable, but most importantly, I can’t do those things that I know will displease God. God made my hair a beautiful light brown red. God put 7 holes in my head, not 15! When I wake up in the morning and sometimes think, “Pssh, I look nasty,” that’s just Satan the great falsifier! Do you really think if you woke up and God was in the kitchen making you breakfast that he’d say, “Laura, thy hair amidst thy head is displeasing to me!” NO. He’d say, “I adore you! You’re beautiful!”

All of those little voices saying “Change yourself! Dye your hair blue!” Are the same voices saying, “Get a nose job! Liposuction!” Now I’m not saying that just because you have blue hair you’re a heathen (or piercings, tattoos, etc). I’m just saying, I know that I’m beautiful the way I am! I don’t need to be a crazy blue haired, inked, booty woman! I am a beautiful, brown haired, retro dress woman, HEAR ME ROAR!
Well…this went a bit longer than I intended…I really just meant to say that sometimes I want to change my appearance in crazy ways…haha. I guess I’ve just finished a session of blog therapy. Enjoy my inner ramblings, spewed all over the internet!
And remember Laura, it starts with a skirt…then it’s blue hair…then it’s a nose ring…then it’s a beer…then I get gonorrhea and DIE!
Have a lovely day :)

POST SCRIPT: In case I didn't make it clear, I don't think my morals hold me back. I think they give me more courage, self esteem and good feelings than any skirt, hair dye or vice could ever give me! People say I'm not free to drink, smoke, say or wear what I want. But guess what!? I'm free to experience everything in life at 100 % because I'm not being skewed by addiction and drunkenness. I’m not trapped with pustules from STD’s. I don’t have to light up just because I’m stressed out. I remember what I did this weekend! I'm free to go without a cigarette anytime I want. I won’t be held back from any respectable job because I have a clean appearance. You might think I'm inhibited, but who's the one being controlled, and who's experiencing life 100%? HA, this all started in my head because I was looking at an old childhood friend's pictures on facebook and I thought, "he has blue hair, tattoos and piercings- and he looks happy! HAHA, facebook...

IRONIC- I love this movie- obviously I haven't got it all figured out, bwahaha!