Let him be my eyes.

What do you do when you see your beauty inside and out, I mean you really see it, but you worry it wont make any difference. I'm in a weird mood. I've put on my makeup and done my hair. I'm wearing the floral sweatsuit my grandma gave me. I'm looking in the mirror and the sun is lighting it up. I'm noticing physical changes in myself that are positive. I ran a 5k. I have a day off. The weather is looking nice. I see that I'm a beautiful daughter of God. I see that I'm smart, funny, and friendly. I see that I have amazing friends who love me. I see that I have a good life. I'm trying to see that everything will work out. I think I know it will. But "in the meantime" hurts. I'm afraid of so many things. I'm afraid of repeating the same patterns (I've blogged about this before, see previous post). I'm afraid of putting myself out there, just to be pushed down again. I'm afraid of so many things.

The other day I realized my fears and paranoia about men were my own lack of faith and my supply of insecurities rearing their ugly little heads. I suppose, as per usual, I don't have a point. I just thought it seemed like a bit of a contradiction. Seeing so much beauty in yourself, and still being afraid that no one else (men...certain ones) will see it or care about it. I'm going to get to work, if there's anything in this world that can lift one's spirits, or build confidence, it's work.

I wish men could see me through my own eyes sometimes. I wish men could see themselves through my eyes sometimes. I wish I could see myself through the eyes of men sometimes. I never wish to see men through the eyes of men. I think men are wonderful, and that's how I want to keep seeing them.