You know how sometimes you're sitting there and your mind goes on a journey, but noone around you sees that journey, and so all they see is you sitting there and then suddenly you're crying or laughing? Well, I will now attempt to take you on the journey that my mind traveled at the gym. Good luck, and enjoy the soundtrack that was playing on my headphones.
"I wish I would have left at 4:30 like I knew I should have...now my 1 1/2 hour work out is only going to be 35 minutes...all I did was sit around, what a waste of a day."
Look up at news. "These wildfires and heatwaves are just awf....WHAT?! Katie and Tom are splitting? Good, I hate Tom, Katie needs to escape that situation."
"Should I turn on the fan on the exercise bike? No, I like the sweat! There's nothing better than sweating all over the place...that is, when you want to be sweaty. It's not cool when you're sweaty and you're at church or something..."
Look up at the news again. See video of teenagers bullying a sweet old lady. Almost cry. "That is so sad, that poor lady." Remember being bullied on the bus, a lot. Remember being bullied for my weight. Remember bullying other kids. "That's why I have to work out. I have to lose weight...no, but that's wrong. That lady is probably really nice...Everyone thinks those kids are evil or something, but they're just being kids and it happened to get caught on tape. Those poor kids probably feel awful and stupid now. They were just trying to protect themselves by hurting someone else...It's so hard to lose weight. Every time it doesn't work out with a guy I automatically assume it's my weight. It's like in the beginning of that movie Loser when the main guy is telling that girl, or whoever, that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him because she lost a ton of weight and she started getting asked out by hotter guys. Fat people date, but it's usually other fat people. I'm not as fat anymore. My wrists are tiny! Mom said yours wrists always stay the same size. FALSE. Everything gets smaller. It's hard when you try to lose weight for so long. I've grown to hate my fat. Sometimes I hate other people's fat. That's terrible. People are beautiful, I'm beautiful. A person's worth, that includes me, is not based on their weight. I look better, but the scale isn't changing. I miss (insert name of latest crush), I wonder if I was skinny like (insert name of girl he asked out), if he would have asked me out? I bet (insert names of some guys I know) would go out with me, but I don't want to go out with them...My calve muscles are outrageous, damn Gina....20 more minutes."
"My tummy feels funny...but that chili I made was so good..." Worry about money. Wish I had money to buy food.
"I'm going to go running after this. I hope I don't dry out like last time and choke on the air. I wish I had come earlier. I wish the gym was open until 7. I wish (insert The Idiots name) would just call me. I wish he would ask me out...'No, I couldn't possibly make it until 7 at the earliest..." (said in my voice). 'Okay, well 7 will have to work, I will pick you up at your house then' (said in his voice)...Look at that man's leg muscles; he's all sinewy. A man's leg muscles are the window to my heart. I wonder if a cross section of his thigh would look like that healthy man's thigh cross section picture I saw on Pinterest a few weeks ago?..That man kinda has a mullet. 10 more minutes..." Insert a lot of day dreaming about spending time with The Idiot.
Cool down. "I feel good. I'm going to blog about this. So what if I have nothing to do tonight. I am going to go running, it will make me feel better. Should I call The Idiot up? I keep saying 'This is the last time,' but then I give in and text him or fb him anyway...stupid Ensign article about that lady not giving up on her husband..."
So yeah, crazy town. CRAZY TOWN. That's why I keep at least 85% of my thoughts inside, little did you know based on how much I talk. I love my life. I think I'm a happy person, but sometimes the journey to peace of mind and happiness includes some unhappy thoughts. Don't deny that your brain goes to crazy town on a minute-by-minute schedule. Please don't comment things like, "But you look so great!" Please don't tell me The Idiot is an idiot. And above all, please don't tell people I listen to dubstep or techno.
I loved this so much. Didn't listen to the songs yet--I know that's part of the whole so, sorry--but loved that your crazy thoughts stuck. I admire you for your braveness to put your thoughts out there. I would buy am afraid of "getting caught." haha... Anyway, this was great. So relatable. -Blythe
ReplyDeleteThank you Blythe! When I wrote this post I knew it would sound scary, but I also felt that people could relate. I like to share things that people feel, but are too afraid to ever admit out loud. My hope is that my sharing will make them feel better about being who they are. The music isn't life-changing, but it's great to work out to.
ReplyDeleteI meant "be scary, " not, "sound scary, " haha.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Blythe. And I was just talking to a friend the other day about relationships, and she was telling me that the guy she's sorta with right now (whom she shares her thoughts with in order to have an honest, open, relationship) feels like she may have attention deficit disorder (which she does not)... it's just because we have girl brains. Our thought process is all over the place, and not just in the present, but the past and future combined.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel like men are unattracted to me because I'm emotionally tulmultous and a bit crazy town, but then I remember that men have been loving women, all of which who are emotionally tulmultous and crazy town, for thousands of years. In fact, sometimes I think they
ReplyDeleteLike it because it's sometimes so different from themselves.