There are a lot of things that scare me, I'm human, but most of them are pretty easy to overcome (i.e. heights, deep water, etc.). There are however, a few things that horrify me, and that I feel are not so easily vanquished. I call them the 3 M's.
MEN.
MONEY.
MARRIAGE.
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| Fear, like 3M tape, holding me down. |
These things scare me so much. Like, horrify me. I came home from work yesterday and I was so overwhelmed by these things that I put on my Mogwai mix, zipped myself up in my mummy bag, and Pinterested pictures of attractive men with cats to escape. I never wanted to leave that warm cocoon, and only left it when nature called (more like screamed), and then finally when Jernae came home.
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| Bob Dylan, with a cat, sigh. |
MEN. Shudder. Seriously. I love men and I love spending time with them. A lot of the people I hang out with these days are men. I love the company of men. I love talking to men. I like looking at men and laughing with men and, well I love men...but the vulnerability that they can make me feel? Bleh. Death. I've realized at on the this point in my life that I have a lot of defense mechanisms and walls around me in regards to men (probably the same stuff all the other people on this planet are dealing with- abanodnment, rejection, etc.). Well okay, if they are just friends I can be myself 100%, but introduce the romantic factor- make me vulnerable to hurt, and up go the towers and dug get the moats.
Defense mechanisms. Poot. I am sure that there are more reasons than I currently realize for my defenses, but currently I am dealing with a few that tend to cement me in the eternal friendzone.
1. When flirting with a man I am romantically intersted in I will suddenly feel vulnerable and turn the flirtations into a joke, typically by taking things over the top. I.e. proposing marriage, making a creepy face, like this, talking about my affection for all men, pointing out my cougar tendencies, etc.
2. I go out of my way to make him feel safe. I.e. talk about other men in a romatic* way- so as to let them know I'm not thinking about them in a romantic way, or even if I am, make them feel that they're nothing special
3. Talk about women I think are attractive. Angelina, Jernae, Audrey, etc.
4. Talk about dude stuff. I.e. poop, farts, outdoorsy things, sex, nerd stuff
5. Make jokes. Turn the situation from a potential romantic something, into a funny story that leads to nowhere and distracts men from my swoon.
*When I say romantic, I don't mean red roses or any of that crap, I mean attraction, more than friends, may lead to hand holding, cuddling, kissing, etc.
All of this is about fear. I'm afraid that if I let a guy know how I really feel, I will be hurt, because the few times in my life I have let men know how I really feel...let's just say, it didn't end with smooching.
MONEY. The bane of my exsistence. Okay, well it's not that I don't like having money, that's not the problem. The problem is managing money. I just get so frustrated. I am the worst at following a budget and keeping track of money, and then because I'm not keeping track of my money I get stuck in very uncomfortable financial situations. Honestly right now I make enough money to be sitting pretty- even with my horror of horrors student loans. If only I could learn to manage my money and then actually follow through. I will be doing pretty good with my money, even saving some of it, and then bam! I make a few stupid descions and I'm sunk.
The worst is when I inconvenience someone else with my money problems- that's the killer. It hurts my pride, and it hurts my brain, and I'm sure it hurts my relationships. Having to ask other people to help me out of a situation I undoubtedly caused, aggggggh. Possibly hurting someone else's financial plan with my own money incompetence, arrrrrgggggggggghhhhhh. Uh, you get the point. I need to move on because I'm freaking out.
MARRIAGE. I know I've posted about this enough to last a lifetime, but goodness how it plagues me. It's just kind of ridiculous how on the one hand I can be a baby hungry, crazy wedding idea Pinteresting woman, while on the other I'm COMPLETELY HORRIFIED of marriage. Shudder. Shatner. Shudder. Meeeehhh. I was telling a friend about this and I said that I guess when you find someone who makes you forget how afraid you are, and they feel the same then that's love...or something.
I'm afraid that a year into marriage I will find out my spouse is a stranger. I'm afraid that he'll secretly be a pedophile, sex-addict, abuser, hoity-toity, pussy, gay (not that I'm saying being gay is comprable to pedophilia, but it would suck if you're straight spouse came out post wedding), gambler, etc, etc. I'm afraid that my spouse will decide I'm not who he wanted. I'm afraid of dealing with money and family and then...children! What if I screw them up?! What they get killed or kidnapped or worse?! Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
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| Blessed be, I wasn't ever abused, but I still have at least the average amount of baggage that makes people afraid of marriage. |
Fear sucks. I want this to be said of me:
I want to overcome the 3M's like a baller. I want to jump off the cliff of M fear into the lake of wedded, man loving, money balanced bliss! I suppose like any fear, I need to make a plan of action. Here goes:
Work on the MONAAAY!
b. Create a budget
c. Follow the budget
d. Pay off immediate debts
e. Save money
Let down my defenses with men
b. Work on believeing that a man could find me romantically interesting
c. Work on getting a hotter bod so men climb my towers* and I don't have to worry about taking the defenses down
*insert Beavis and Butthead style laugh here
Become my best me, but learn to love the me I already am more
b. Read books about empowered people, especially women
c. Facebook less
d. Finish the unfinished things I know I can finish
I can do it, peace!
This is a nice realization, but I think there is a common fear that stops us from saving money. It sounds easy, but definitely difficult to do. We all have to spend to live, but sometimes we just can’t control the unnecessary expenses. I believe the fear that keeps us from saving money is something we can conquer for good. It’s a long process but it definitely has a rewarding result.
ReplyDeleteJaden Allred
Having those realizations is a good sign that you’re on your way to conquering your fears. Of all, money is the hardest thing to control; yet with discipline, nothing is impossible. Save now and splurge later. Always aim to live a stress-free life.
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