Laura's Process of Becoming Pt. 2

Look at that, there is a part 2, and it's a doozy! I'm posting this for those who have asked me to share. The hesitancy I'm experiencing is ridiculous. As usual, this is pretty cerebral stuff.

 

In my last post I said I needed to disappear, well disappear I did...sort of. The problem, I only disappeared in the bad ways and not in the good ways. I became idle, and that idleness didn't feed my soul, it led to several emotional breakdowns. Who knows, maybe those cry/freak-out fests were good for me.

Albert Camus said, “Idleness is fatal only to the mediocre.” Well maybe that's it, perhaps I'm just mediocre. Thanks a lot, Camus, you always know how to cheer me up.

I've prided myself on being a very open person for a long time. I'll say anything, tell anyone anything, and share anything if only I'm asked. I blog about my personal feelings, because I don't have secrets. I don't like feeling like a person split in two, and secrets make me feel like my insides and outsides are incongruous.

For a time that's how I felt though, split in two. I felt the pull of so many things inside my head for so long that it was driving me insane, and I knew I had to do something drastically different with my life.

I reached the point where I said to myself, make a choice. God wont let you wander off a cliff. I made a choice, hoping it would alleviate the ripping inside. But now, here I am, and I'm afraid. I'm happy that I've made choices that I feel are right for me, but now I face that hypocrisy I've feared for so long. I feel like I have to hide who I am, but I don't want to hide something I'm not ashamed of.

I've hidden it for a while because I know it's difficult for others and I didn't want to hurt anybody. Well, I still don't want to hurt anybody, but at what point am I allowed to say, "This is me now and I don't want to hide it."

The following is taken from a sort of letter I wrote to some of my very best friends about a month or two ago. Since that time some things have changed and developed, including some of my beliefs. I suppose I don't owe this to anyone but myself, and that's why I'm sharing it. If some of the tense or wording doesn't make sense- just remember, it was in response to questions from my friends. Let's be real, I was too lazy to write any sort of real  or updated explanation, so here we go.

"I got to a point where I decided I had to make some sort of choice because life was miserable. I chose to leave the church. I don't have any bitterness towards the church or its people or my friends and loved ones. Actually I feel like a lot of the bitterness I did have left. I am really happy right now, but that's not me saying I think leaving the church makes everyone happy. I think I'm happy because I made a choice and because I let go of my unrealistic expectations and judgments I had for myself and that I thought others had for me.

I keep feeling like life is going to suddenly start being harder in regards to spirituality, and I know it will- that's life, but I am surprised that it isn't as challenging as I thought it would be in a way. I don't mean it's easier to sin, I mean some part of me is surprised people still love me- and that's obviously a red flag about something I need to work on believing. That people could have unconditional love for me.

I might crash and burn and I'm willing to take the risk. That's how I feel about it all- life, dating, and church. I'm still being me and I'm still being smart, but I have to do some things that scare me.

I don't have some cemented thesis for why I left the church. I wasn't miserable and I don't blame the church for my struggles either. Uggh, the more I try to write the more I wish I could say it. I suppose I'm hesitant to share my reasons because I don't want to hash it out or debate it. I don't feel I have to have an exacting list of reasons that are without flaw for why I'm doing what I'm doing what I'm doing.

Here’s a piece of a blog post never finished from a few months ago, “I don't think anyone specifically thinks, ‘You know what would be great? It would be great if members of the LDS faith were scared to have doubts. I would just love it if they were convinced that deciding against the church would lead to all of their friends and family treating them poorly. Yeah, that'd be great. Let's make a MormonAd about it. Don't question the church, or you'll be in a world of hurt. xoxo, Dear Leader.’

On a daily basis as of late I wake up in the morning deciding to leave the church, but by the end of the night I'm convinced that I should stick with it.

In the morning I think, I'm just trying to talk myself into the church because it's easier to stick with the status quo. It's easier because my friends are members. It's easier because I have a routine and a way of life, all based on the church. It's easier because it's what my family wants. It's appealing because then I have a pre-made dogma that explains where I'm going in this life and in the next, and forever...It's easier because it's what I've always believed and done and known.

When I go to bed at night I think I talk myself into leaving the church because it's easier to make up my own belief system- one that could include a life with my family after death and some a lot of the doctrine I've learned from the LDS church. It's easier because I could feel free from  some of the constant onslaught of inner turmoil and guilt I provide myself constantly. It's easier because I could get those cute toe tattoos that I really want without feeling the guilt of 1,000 murders. It's easier because I would have another day on the weekend.

In the morning I think, I only feel emotion based on missing my father, and well made, emotionally gripping videos, stories, and lessons made by the church- it's not the spirit, its emotion. I feel joy in the mountains, and I do believe God made the mountains, but I don't think the Mormon's have ownership of that good feeling. I think the church creates feelings that lead to guilt, fear, and judgment from and against me. I think about all of the people that have used religion to hurt me. I think about all of the people that I have hurt, with my faith as a weapon. I think about how modesty doesn't make sense. I think about my institute teacher telling me that my questions about the church concern him, and that I should have asked them 10 years ago, and that I should talk to my bishop."

Now, bear in mind that what I just shared is an incomplete and unfiltered or edited product. After saying all that, I intended to say that none of it mattered. None of my "problems" with the church matter. All that really matters is, is it true or not? If the church is true all of the problems might still matter, but not enough to leave the church. If it's not true then all of the good doesn't matter that much either.

I mean, sure the good helps us live good lives, but it's like some apostle (I think Holland) said, if the church isn't true then Joseph Smith is the greatest charlatan the world has ever known. Enter my extreme hesitancy for sharing my reasons for leaving the church. I don't want to tell you you're wrong, and in my mind you're not. I think you should live the Gospel and be happy. I think you should hold fast to your faith and love it. I'm not saying I think the church is terrible or Joseph Smith is a charlatan. I suppose you can say that I have to choose and make up my mind, but that was driving me insane. I had all of these twists and pulls in my mind for a long time and I was dying inside. I was happy with my life, but I was also full of so much turmoil and bitterness.

At a certain point I decided to follow some Gospel logic and pick a path. I have been telling people for years that God would never let them wander off a cliff. In the scriptures they tell us that we should make a choice and then God will let us know if that choice is wrong or right and I so I decided to step off of the cliff.

It's hard for me to not feel led to where I am. All summer at camp I felt I was being led about by some power, but oh I struggled. I struggled every Friday when I had to tell my girls that the Book of Mormon was true and there is no other answer. It was hard for me to share my testimony without having any extra little twists or secret loopholes. I don't think I ever really shared any straight forward testimonies that didn't include something about people finding their own path, and making things work for them.

I prayed constantly that if this was wrong God would let me know. I prayed to know the truth of things like the Gospel, the BoM, the plan of salvation, all of it- and I received nothing. I prayed to know if I was receiving something and I wasn't realizing it too. I talked with my bishop and studied talks. I really tried, but then I decided to try nothing and nothing felt great. Maybe I will "get it" one day and realize my foolish ways, but right now I don't believe the church is true and that is why I left it.

I do think I have control over how much I'm "pulled." Maybe I'm misunderstanding you (This was in response to a concern from a friend that I would perhaps lose control over the pull certain vices have)...but I think tattoos, drinking, etc. are like anything else in this life- I have to be very aware and smart about how I treat them. I am not a tattooed lady and that means I'm not going to become rockabilly and get sleeves, but to me it doesn't mean I can't get a tattoo. A tattoo or two does not make me the tattooed lady. As far as drinking- same thing. I don't like drugs in general, they ruin lives and I don't intend to partake in them. Drugs and alcohol are very different to me on the one hand, but on the other they're not. I'm just using some of the most common examples of big sins or things the church teaches against I guess.

I'm just saying I'm still me. I think there are a lot of lines that I don't worry about crossing (piercings, tattoos, drinking) because I think they're morally wrong, but rather I don't want to cross them because I don't see myself as that person. Sleeves aren't my style, and neither is the party life style. I suppose I could take some of those things further, but they're not my style and I'm not 21 and I don't necessarily want to do rebellious things simply because I can.

I welcome questions right now, but I'm sure you can imagine that if they were to continue on a regular basis for an indefinite period of time it would most likely drive me away. That's just the honest truth I think. I haven't told anyone this information because I hold it close, careful, and private. My brain can't help but think of counter-arguments for everything I say and so sharing this information makes me feel vulnerable and sensitive.

 I know you (my friends and family) want me to be happy, and perhaps we have different definitions of happiness, but continual preaching directed at changing my mind will most likely only wear on me in a negative way. If you're sharing things in a natural way about life and religion I welcome it, but if it's, 'Laura I found this talk that I thought would make you feel the spirit and repent', I'm probably not going to love it.

I guess I don't think I will crash and burn. I have heard a lot of stories about people crashing and burning and they scare me, but I don't think I will. I'm being open with the people closest to me- like you guys. I'm being smart and I just want to live a life filled with good. I constantly reevaluate and ask myself if I'm missing something, and if I discover I am missing something I will do my best to pursue that path with courage.

One last thing. I never meant to spring this all on you guys like this. In one way it wasn't a surprise because of the difficulties and problems I was facing with my faith. But as far as the path to leave the gospel, that totally caught me off guard. I wasn't trying to keep anything from you guys, especially because I didn't realize what was happening either.

I don't want you to feel like I had some secret depressed/church hating life. I didn't and I don't. I am and have been very happy overall, but there were an increasing number of problems in my spiritual life that I couldn't resolve. It's so hard not to feel led here. I realize it doesn't make sense for God as we know Him to lead me away from the church, which suggests that I'm being led by a less desirable being, but it's hard for me to see it as something else. Maybe I am that frog that was slowly boiled alive, but I've only ever tried to find truth and increase my testimony."

Well, there you have it. I am truly sorry if this upsets anyone or causes pain, but I want to live an open life and I suppose this post is one way of doing it. Please don't feel the need to argue with me, or to share 3 billion talks guaranteed to save my soul. I haven't died, condolences aren't necessary. I suppose I run the risk of receiving some undesirable feedback by sharing my personal journey online, but for now that's a risk I'm willing to take. Man, I wish I could be one of the private people. Blech.