My Positive Experience Leaving the LDS Church

While going through my Facebook feed I was overwhelmed with posts and comments about Kate and John, two LDS members who face possible excommunication from the LDS church (Here's an article about it in the SL Tribune: Click this link, and one in the NY Times: Click this link). This post is a doozy, but I'll tell you what- I've made every attempt to remain positive and to be kind to both the LDS church and it's members, and to those who have dissented, and I think I've been successful! And I love the word and...andandand.

Well anyway, my FB surfing led to this article by a woman who used to be LDS, but was excommunicated. Now, I typically don't read a lot of articles or posts like that. I think that if you don't want the Church to be a part of your life, you should leave it be- that being said it's pretty hard to escape it. It's all around me and an important part of the lives of many who I love. Even if I have chosen to leave it behind, it will still continue to be a part of my life. But as I said, I generally don't seek out stories from disgruntled members and ex-members. I look for understanding and positive accounts if I look at all. I talk to friends and prefer first hand accounts. I want to hear different points of view, but I don't care to hear anyone tear other people or their beliefs down (that kind of thing happens on both sides).

I enjoyed these posts. Not because I think everyone or anyone needs to leave the church, but because it offered an interesting viewpoint and enlightening parallels for me. I don't necessarily recommend that everyone reads them. I definitely think they would be upsetting to many, and unfortunately her posts become increasingly bitter (understandably so) and weak because she begins to writhe and swat at one person (the evil bishop), rather than continue her story about leaving the church (here's her blog).

Reading her posts inspired me to write more about my experience- I'm told I have a rare and fortunate one. I have had what I consider loving and kind treatment from friends and family and a fantastic bishop who helped me figure out what I wanted and believed. I even went to my singles ward HE this Monday and the bishop made a joke about my leaving- it was friendly and hilarious. Like I said, I know that I apparently have a rare and blessed experience and an amazing bishop. I've heard a lot of stories (first and second hand) from people I love and trust that didn't have such fortunate experiences. 

When I was questioning things in the Church I pretty immediately went to my bishop. He is a kind, intelligent, and loving man. I've pretty much always had positive experiences with bishops, and consequently I've always had a pretty easy time trusting my bishops. I had also always had a clean slate- I never had to confess anything to my bishop, which I'm sure further protected me from any negative associations with my leadership. I hope that I've remembered our conversations correctly and haven't skewed anything he's said. I didn't take a tape recorder in, and I recognize that I could have heard what I wanted to hear- that being said, I'll continue.

My bishop is a lawyer and I think perhaps his mind works like mine. When I face a question I immediately begin to argue it from both sides of the fence in my mind. I remember in one of our meetings, there were only about four by the way, he said I'd make a good lawyer because I was able to refute pretty much any of the answers he gave me. I felt safe and I felt like he understood that I wasn't trying to be argumentative or Korihor things up- I was just trying to figure things out for myself. 

So, I asked to meet with my bishop and I shared my doubts, concerns and fears with him. He listened (really listened) and gave insights, answers, "arguments," and opinions as we went. I felt that he didn't brush me off as an apostate or as an idiot who was caught up with the wiles and tricks of the devil. I felt that he listened to what I had to say and gave my questions real thought and care. I felt that he respected me and loved me. Perhaps he thinks one day I'll "wise up" and return, or perhaps he does think me a fool- but I remain convinced his kindness is genuine. 

I met with him several times before finally telling him that I didn't intend on returning. First I asked to be released from my calling- I was a RS teacher and felt it unwise to continue because I might say things that weren't in-line with church teachings. In the course of our meetings I also returned my temple recommend and let my bishop know that I wasn't interested in attending church meetings. Near the end he said that I just needed to do what would make me happy. He said to worry about being happy and worry about the rest later.

A few weeks, or more (idk...lol..winky face...kittens), he texted me and asked to meet again. Because I felt safe and supported doing so, I returned for a visit. He just wanted to check in and see how I felt about things. I said I felt good about my choices and didn't want to return. I said I felt positive about my experience, but in the end I didn't believe in or wish to attend the church anymore. He was warm and kind, and reminded me that I was always welcome and would be missed. A few months later when my brother died I got a call from him- he was kind and I appreciated the call greatly.

In the months following I have attended Home Evening a few times, usually when I thought there would be volleyball or free food. I have enjoyed it sometimes and hated it others, but my ward members were always kind and welcoming. I'm still good friends with ward leaders and active members and I support their choice to attend church. I asked my RS Pres (she's also my friend- I hear there's a new RS presidency now) to not send me a visiting teacher, but the little sneaks assigned a friend of mine and I had a change of heart. My visiting teacher doesn't pray or leave a spiritual messages, and she is a good friend, so I'll let my conspiracy theory thoughts rest and enjoy the good times, haha. 

I suppose there are a lot of differences between me and the woman who wrote those posts about leaving the LDS church. I didn't feel anger and so I didn't want to leave in a negative way. I talked to my bishop and family and friends before I posted online. I can understand her anger, and I have to wonder if I would have behaved similarly if I had been in her situation. Leaving was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I didn't have kids or a husband to consider. I didn't really experience any offenses or hurtful things at church before I left. I didn't leave because I read something upsetting about Joseph Smith. I didn't leave because someone in my ward was mean to me or someone I cared about. Certainly I had concerns about the behavior or some members and their behavior towards others in the church generally, but I wouldn't say that was why I left the church. 

Okay. At this point I realize I'm sounding like a real dickweed. I'm not trying to belittle anyone or suggest that people shouldn't share their negative experiences or vent their frustrations. I just wanted to share my positive experience. It seems that the negative voices will always shout louder than the positive ones. Murders will always beat out cute raccoon and cats being friends on the news (seriously though, THIS SHOULD BE ON ALL THE TV STATIONS...It's an EFFING CUTENESS EPIDEMIC!!!). I guess this post is my religious raccoon kitten palooza. 

I know my disbelief has caused a lot of sadness to people I love, but they've treated me so well! There will always be those who respond to things in a less than "Christlike" way, but there will always be those who respond in a totally amazing way. We're all just trying to figure this life thing out. None of us are perfect and while we might prick and hurt each other, I'd like to assume that most of us just want to be good and share good. 

Oh yeah, in case you're wondering- I've not been faced with excommunication and for the time being feel no need or pressure to sever my official/on paper ties with the Mormon church.

Pt. 1: http://lauraconsistentlyinconsistent.blogspot.com/2013/09/lauras-process-of-becoming-pt-1-i-dont.html

Pt. 2: http://lauraconsistentlyinconsistent.blogspot.com/2013/12/lauras-process-of-becoming-pt-2.html

Pt. 3: http://lauraconsistentlyinconsistent.blogspot.com/2014/05/lauras-process-of-becoming-pt-3.html http://lauraconsistentlyinconsistent.blogspot.com/2013/12/lauras-process-of-becoming-pt-2.html

Laura's Process of Becoming Pt. 3

I know I’ve been promising to write this post for quite a while, but as with the other Process of Becoming Posts (Part 1, Part 2), I feel a lot of hesitancy about writing this. I don’t feel hesitant because I’m ashamed or because it’s a secret (yay redundancy!), but rather I don’t want to hurt anyone.

Last time I wrote about my spiritual journey I said I had left the church, I had no ill feeling towards the church and its members, and while I feel that’s the right path for me, I don’t necessarily think that means it is for everyone. Well things are pretty much the same.

Last time I talked about a fear of crashing and burning- it was kind of all an experiment for me. Well, I suppose it’s all (life) an experiment, but I feel like I've done some testing and found some positive results. As far as I can tell, I haven't crashed or burned. I feel no pressure to figure everything out right now, and that’s a beautiful kind of freedom. I don’t need to know where I came from or where I’m going today, or even tomorrow. I suppose someone could say that will all change when I have kids and they start asking questions, but I don’t have kids and if I did I would tell them just that. It’s okay to not know.

Before I had a lot of confusion and pain associated with my spiritual state, lately I feel a lot of that pressure has left. Oh goodness, I can’t help but hear the scriptural arguments against everything I say, haha. I guess Satan’s got me tricked, huh? He’s got me convinced that I have the time to let my salvation meander. Maybe some great and horrible power does have me tricked…but currently I don’t feel the need to murder anyone or try meth, so that’s something, right?

I work hard at a job I love and I help people everyday. I love to create art and make pre-teens laugh. I keep my room clean most of the time and I’m super upset about those girls in Nigeria who were kidnapped! I feel like I'm a pretty good person. 

As I've thought about writing this over the months I've realized more and more that I don't really owe a transcript of my beliefs to anyone. They're mine :) I'm totally happy to share what I believe and think if you ask me, but do I need to list what I do and do not believe in? Hellz no. 

I will say this, I've gone on a journey...well I'm still on it I suppose, and I feel great! I am happy with my choices and I am happy with where I am. I'm happy to be living this life and I know how sacred and miraculous it is!

I know who my true friends are. They can handle my existential crisis's, and they love me with the bonnet.

I guess this blog post might be a let down to those of you who wanted to read about my new heathen lifestyle, lo siento. Remember, it's your journey and it's your life. Do what makes you happy. 

But really, if you ask me, I'll tell you anything you want :)

Umm What Ya Say: Faith and Respect

Since my decision to stop attending the LDS church, several people have asked how I think my father or my pioneer ancestors would feel about my debaucherous new lifestyle. Well, here you go.

In general I can only hope, and assume, that they would still love me and respect me.

When my father decided to join the LDS church his parents were heartbroken. They gave him a small cardboard baby coffin, as if to say, you’re dead to us. They did not attend my parents wedding (they couldn’t), or my parents reception and other wedding festivities. Until my grandparents dying years, they fanned anti-church literature in my father’s face at every visit.

I’m pretty sure that my father just wanted was to live in a way that he thought was right. I think he just felt so strongly that the church was true and, while I’m sure a large part of him wanted his parents to join the church (first principles of the church), he probably just wanted them to love and support his decisions because he felt the church made him happy (and I would certainly say that the church and its accompanying life style did help my father to have a more fulfilling and happy life).

I would hope that in the same way that my father wanted to be loved unconditionally, supported in what he felt was right and in what he felt would make him happy and respected regardless of/for his beliefs, he would afford me just what he wanted so dearly from his loved ones.

I think of my wonderful Uncle Rick Smith- after he read my blog post about my father’s conversion to the LDS church he simply said that the choice my father made was the right choice for him. My uncle knew the church made my father happy, and even though my uncle doesn’t believe in the church, he supported him. I suppose that’s what I’m looking for.

I hold no bitterness towards the church or my loved ones who believe in it so fervently. I don’t seek to tear down the church, or dissuade members from believing. Honestly, I feel uncomfortable when people try to push the church on me (that twinkle in their eye when they think I’m finally returning to my senses), and I wouldn’t want to create that feeling in somebody else who is possibly questioning the church. I think people should pray with a “sincere heart” and all that jazz in regards to their moral code and beliefs, and then make their own choice- AND THEN I think people should love and respect their choice. It’s a personal choice, not up for vote or popular opinion- and so far as I know, even the LDS scriptures and leaders would agree with me here.

My pioneer ancestors crossed the plains in search of a place where they could live and believe as they pleased. The general populace thought they were a strange people and went to horrible lengths to make them renounce what they believed to be true. I can only hope that those pioneers, and most especially Joseph Smith, would respect someone who had different opinions on religion.

My great-great- great-great-great grandmother, Lucy Diantha Morley was fired from her job, pillaged, a driven from her home and comforts to the harsh land of Utah, where she built a BAD-A life believing as she wanted. HECK YES, I still love and respect her. Heck yes, I still feel connected to my faithful ancestors and relatives.  We’re all just trying to do what we feel is best, and live our lives in a way that correlates with our beliefs. Just like my father, I can only hope that Lucy D.M. would love a respect me, regardless of my attendance and belief in her church.

I know it’s hard. Things seem so black and white, and I suppose they are, but that doesn't mean we have to be at odds with one another. I think if we all just take a step back and look at the fundamentals, things could be pretty swell. You want freedom of religion, and so do I. You want to live and believe as you please, and so do I.

I know my father wasn't perfect, but I loved him and I can only assume he would still be proud of me. He would see that I haven’t made any of my decisions lightly. He would see how passionately I have sought answers, and he would love the person I am today. 

P.S. Did anyone catch my Imogen Heap reference?

Laura's Process of Becoming Pt. 2

Look at that, there is a part 2, and it's a doozy! I'm posting this for those who have asked me to share. The hesitancy I'm experiencing is ridiculous. As usual, this is pretty cerebral stuff.

 

In my last post I said I needed to disappear, well disappear I did...sort of. The problem, I only disappeared in the bad ways and not in the good ways. I became idle, and that idleness didn't feed my soul, it led to several emotional breakdowns. Who knows, maybe those cry/freak-out fests were good for me.

Albert Camus said, “Idleness is fatal only to the mediocre.” Well maybe that's it, perhaps I'm just mediocre. Thanks a lot, Camus, you always know how to cheer me up.

I've prided myself on being a very open person for a long time. I'll say anything, tell anyone anything, and share anything if only I'm asked. I blog about my personal feelings, because I don't have secrets. I don't like feeling like a person split in two, and secrets make me feel like my insides and outsides are incongruous.

For a time that's how I felt though, split in two. I felt the pull of so many things inside my head for so long that it was driving me insane, and I knew I had to do something drastically different with my life.

I reached the point where I said to myself, make a choice. God wont let you wander off a cliff. I made a choice, hoping it would alleviate the ripping inside. But now, here I am, and I'm afraid. I'm happy that I've made choices that I feel are right for me, but now I face that hypocrisy I've feared for so long. I feel like I have to hide who I am, but I don't want to hide something I'm not ashamed of.

I've hidden it for a while because I know it's difficult for others and I didn't want to hurt anybody. Well, I still don't want to hurt anybody, but at what point am I allowed to say, "This is me now and I don't want to hide it."

The following is taken from a sort of letter I wrote to some of my very best friends about a month or two ago. Since that time some things have changed and developed, including some of my beliefs. I suppose I don't owe this to anyone but myself, and that's why I'm sharing it. If some of the tense or wording doesn't make sense- just remember, it was in response to questions from my friends. Let's be real, I was too lazy to write any sort of real  or updated explanation, so here we go.

"I got to a point where I decided I had to make some sort of choice because life was miserable. I chose to leave the church. I don't have any bitterness towards the church or its people or my friends and loved ones. Actually I feel like a lot of the bitterness I did have left. I am really happy right now, but that's not me saying I think leaving the church makes everyone happy. I think I'm happy because I made a choice and because I let go of my unrealistic expectations and judgments I had for myself and that I thought others had for me.

I keep feeling like life is going to suddenly start being harder in regards to spirituality, and I know it will- that's life, but I am surprised that it isn't as challenging as I thought it would be in a way. I don't mean it's easier to sin, I mean some part of me is surprised people still love me- and that's obviously a red flag about something I need to work on believing. That people could have unconditional love for me.

I might crash and burn and I'm willing to take the risk. That's how I feel about it all- life, dating, and church. I'm still being me and I'm still being smart, but I have to do some things that scare me.

I don't have some cemented thesis for why I left the church. I wasn't miserable and I don't blame the church for my struggles either. Uggh, the more I try to write the more I wish I could say it. I suppose I'm hesitant to share my reasons because I don't want to hash it out or debate it. I don't feel I have to have an exacting list of reasons that are without flaw for why I'm doing what I'm doing what I'm doing.

Here’s a piece of a blog post never finished from a few months ago, “I don't think anyone specifically thinks, ‘You know what would be great? It would be great if members of the LDS faith were scared to have doubts. I would just love it if they were convinced that deciding against the church would lead to all of their friends and family treating them poorly. Yeah, that'd be great. Let's make a MormonAd about it. Don't question the church, or you'll be in a world of hurt. xoxo, Dear Leader.’

On a daily basis as of late I wake up in the morning deciding to leave the church, but by the end of the night I'm convinced that I should stick with it.

In the morning I think, I'm just trying to talk myself into the church because it's easier to stick with the status quo. It's easier because my friends are members. It's easier because I have a routine and a way of life, all based on the church. It's easier because it's what my family wants. It's appealing because then I have a pre-made dogma that explains where I'm going in this life and in the next, and forever...It's easier because it's what I've always believed and done and known.

When I go to bed at night I think I talk myself into leaving the church because it's easier to make up my own belief system- one that could include a life with my family after death and some a lot of the doctrine I've learned from the LDS church. It's easier because I could feel free from  some of the constant onslaught of inner turmoil and guilt I provide myself constantly. It's easier because I could get those cute toe tattoos that I really want without feeling the guilt of 1,000 murders. It's easier because I would have another day on the weekend.

In the morning I think, I only feel emotion based on missing my father, and well made, emotionally gripping videos, stories, and lessons made by the church- it's not the spirit, its emotion. I feel joy in the mountains, and I do believe God made the mountains, but I don't think the Mormon's have ownership of that good feeling. I think the church creates feelings that lead to guilt, fear, and judgment from and against me. I think about all of the people that have used religion to hurt me. I think about all of the people that I have hurt, with my faith as a weapon. I think about how modesty doesn't make sense. I think about my institute teacher telling me that my questions about the church concern him, and that I should have asked them 10 years ago, and that I should talk to my bishop."

Now, bear in mind that what I just shared is an incomplete and unfiltered or edited product. After saying all that, I intended to say that none of it mattered. None of my "problems" with the church matter. All that really matters is, is it true or not? If the church is true all of the problems might still matter, but not enough to leave the church. If it's not true then all of the good doesn't matter that much either.

I mean, sure the good helps us live good lives, but it's like some apostle (I think Holland) said, if the church isn't true then Joseph Smith is the greatest charlatan the world has ever known. Enter my extreme hesitancy for sharing my reasons for leaving the church. I don't want to tell you you're wrong, and in my mind you're not. I think you should live the Gospel and be happy. I think you should hold fast to your faith and love it. I'm not saying I think the church is terrible or Joseph Smith is a charlatan. I suppose you can say that I have to choose and make up my mind, but that was driving me insane. I had all of these twists and pulls in my mind for a long time and I was dying inside. I was happy with my life, but I was also full of so much turmoil and bitterness.

At a certain point I decided to follow some Gospel logic and pick a path. I have been telling people for years that God would never let them wander off a cliff. In the scriptures they tell us that we should make a choice and then God will let us know if that choice is wrong or right and I so I decided to step off of the cliff.

It's hard for me to not feel led to where I am. All summer at camp I felt I was being led about by some power, but oh I struggled. I struggled every Friday when I had to tell my girls that the Book of Mormon was true and there is no other answer. It was hard for me to share my testimony without having any extra little twists or secret loopholes. I don't think I ever really shared any straight forward testimonies that didn't include something about people finding their own path, and making things work for them.

I prayed constantly that if this was wrong God would let me know. I prayed to know the truth of things like the Gospel, the BoM, the plan of salvation, all of it- and I received nothing. I prayed to know if I was receiving something and I wasn't realizing it too. I talked with my bishop and studied talks. I really tried, but then I decided to try nothing and nothing felt great. Maybe I will "get it" one day and realize my foolish ways, but right now I don't believe the church is true and that is why I left it.

I do think I have control over how much I'm "pulled." Maybe I'm misunderstanding you (This was in response to a concern from a friend that I would perhaps lose control over the pull certain vices have)...but I think tattoos, drinking, etc. are like anything else in this life- I have to be very aware and smart about how I treat them. I am not a tattooed lady and that means I'm not going to become rockabilly and get sleeves, but to me it doesn't mean I can't get a tattoo. A tattoo or two does not make me the tattooed lady. As far as drinking- same thing. I don't like drugs in general, they ruin lives and I don't intend to partake in them. Drugs and alcohol are very different to me on the one hand, but on the other they're not. I'm just using some of the most common examples of big sins or things the church teaches against I guess.

I'm just saying I'm still me. I think there are a lot of lines that I don't worry about crossing (piercings, tattoos, drinking) because I think they're morally wrong, but rather I don't want to cross them because I don't see myself as that person. Sleeves aren't my style, and neither is the party life style. I suppose I could take some of those things further, but they're not my style and I'm not 21 and I don't necessarily want to do rebellious things simply because I can.

I welcome questions right now, but I'm sure you can imagine that if they were to continue on a regular basis for an indefinite period of time it would most likely drive me away. That's just the honest truth I think. I haven't told anyone this information because I hold it close, careful, and private. My brain can't help but think of counter-arguments for everything I say and so sharing this information makes me feel vulnerable and sensitive.

 I know you (my friends and family) want me to be happy, and perhaps we have different definitions of happiness, but continual preaching directed at changing my mind will most likely only wear on me in a negative way. If you're sharing things in a natural way about life and religion I welcome it, but if it's, 'Laura I found this talk that I thought would make you feel the spirit and repent', I'm probably not going to love it.

I guess I don't think I will crash and burn. I have heard a lot of stories about people crashing and burning and they scare me, but I don't think I will. I'm being open with the people closest to me- like you guys. I'm being smart and I just want to live a life filled with good. I constantly reevaluate and ask myself if I'm missing something, and if I discover I am missing something I will do my best to pursue that path with courage.

One last thing. I never meant to spring this all on you guys like this. In one way it wasn't a surprise because of the difficulties and problems I was facing with my faith. But as far as the path to leave the gospel, that totally caught me off guard. I wasn't trying to keep anything from you guys, especially because I didn't realize what was happening either.

I don't want you to feel like I had some secret depressed/church hating life. I didn't and I don't. I am and have been very happy overall, but there were an increasing number of problems in my spiritual life that I couldn't resolve. It's so hard not to feel led here. I realize it doesn't make sense for God as we know Him to lead me away from the church, which suggests that I'm being led by a less desirable being, but it's hard for me to see it as something else. Maybe I am that frog that was slowly boiled alive, but I've only ever tried to find truth and increase my testimony."

Well, there you have it. I am truly sorry if this upsets anyone or causes pain, but I want to live an open life and I suppose this post is one way of doing it. Please don't feel the need to argue with me, or to share 3 billion talks guaranteed to save my soul. I haven't died, condolences aren't necessary. I suppose I run the risk of receiving some undesirable feedback by sharing my personal journey online, but for now that's a risk I'm willing to take. Man, I wish I could be one of the private people. Blech.

All over the place...life your mom.

So first I should start by getting a few things out of the way.

I really botched up the 14 Days of Valentine's this year. What did I do, 2 or 3? But you know what- my whole year has been about loving myself and others. Since I got my calling last spring as the Compassionate Service Leader in my ward I've tried to focus on serving others- and it's made me so happy!
I mentioned healthy things for my first couple of Valentine's activities, and that's been a big focus for me the last few months. I've got a Wellness Coach (she helps me make goals and keep track of them. She also helps me talk things through and look at my victories and find ways to challenge myself) and a personal trainer. I go running 2-3 days a week...well, I'm working my way up. I started only being able to run for 1 minute intervals, with 3 minutes of walking in between, but now I can run for 11 minutes straight! It's exciting to see my progression and push myself. I always wanted to run, but for the first time in my life it's happening! My personal trainer is helping me with strength training, something I've never really done before! At first I thought it was awful, but now I see how wonderful it can be. I weight train 3 days a week. I feel myself getting strong and hey, I've lost 10 more pounds! I also like to toss in pilates, and I tried yoga- I need to make myself go back more...it's SO hard! And this week I'm trying out lap swimming!
Some of my long term goals include running some 5ks this summer, buying some nice jeans, and hiking that #%m@$! waterfall hike all the way to the top!!!
Spiritually I've been trying to improve myself too! I've been listening to LDS talks all year, but more recently I started listening to Hugh Nibley talks! Hugh Nibley is amazing and he says it like it is. Sometimes it's tough, and the truth hurts, but I just love him!
As important as it is to be physically fit, it's even more important to be spiritually fit! BUT! I think to be our best spiritually, we have to be strong physically, and in contrast to be our best physically we have to be strong spiritually! Our bodies and spirits are SO connected, it's ridiculous!
Hmm let's see...I've also purchased a guitar and I'm attempting to learn how to play. Let's just say...it's a slow process for the rhythmically and coordination-challenged.

I'm also trying to get ready to do my Masters in Education project, apply for jobs in the fall, and learn to garden and bake bread...so LIFE IS AWESOME! Did I succeed to presenting regular blogs in the last few moths, no. Is life moving along anyway, yes.

So, I meant for that to be a brief note...but I'm Laura. Originally I was going to list my turn-ons and turn-offs, basically repeating this post I did: http://lauraconsistentlyinconsistent.blogspot.com/2010/01/so-i-was-driving-through-campus-and.html SO, I got this far:

"Turn-offs:
Picky eaters. I want a man who will eat what I give him. I want a man who likes to try new food. I want a man who will eat any flavor hummus I concoct. I'm not saying he can't have a few dislikes, I don't like peppers or rye bread, but let's not get crazy.
Swearing. Okay, now here's where I get really hypocritical. I've definitely done a lot of swearing in my life. Most especially in the 7-8th grade (My mouth was dirtier than a 20 year-old latrine boiling in West Virginia). BUT! I can't help it, when I hear a man swear I cringe and think, "Ick, really?" Now I don't swear as much these days, but I slip here and there. So I guess I should be more forgiving of men who occasionally slip too. Hmm, maybe. I'll be honest though, a certain man I find very attractive said the "D" word, and maybe one or two other little ones in my presence, and I got over it. So maybe this turn-off is a secondary one. I'd prefer it if swearing wasn't a regular occurrence, but if you slip here or there, or throw in a "D" word- I'll probably forgive you. But as a general rule, swearing is stupid!
Showing off your underclothes, tramp stamp canvas, or happy trails. Don't get me wrong, one day I might want to see your manscape- but save it for the honeymoon. Now you might be thinking, "Hey baby, I'm just giving you a preview." But guess what, it's more like the when I saw the trailer for RENT. I knew I didn't want it 39 seconds in. The best preview you can give is clothing that fits. Jeans, pants, suits, shorts, onesies- bring them on! Okay...so I don't want to see your crack, lower back, or...well, anyway, I don't want to see it. But even more, I don't want to see your LDS garments. Garments are a personal and sacred thing, and there isn't a whole lot more that turns me off than seeing your personal business hanging out the back. Oh and ps, we can see your bum through them. So A. I feel uncomfortable for seeing your sacred undies, and B. I can see you bum. Lesson: Cover up! For now...bwahahaha.
Liking lame bands. If I ask you, "What kind of music do you like? Specifically, which bands?" And you answer, "Nickleback, Creed, Atreyu etc." You've just been tested, and you FAILED.
Being too beefy. I'm not saying you shouldn't work out! Do, it's wonderful for your health! I can see how it would get addicting to, weight training I mean, but take back a few notches. If you can't have your arms parallel to your torso, you've gone too far. If your arms are wider than my thighs, you've really gone too far. If you have cleavage that exceeds an Olsen twin in a push-up, you may have gone too far. If you have more than 6 visible ab muscles, you've gone too far (I count 8 here, he's gone too far. Plus, eww.)If I can't see your Adam's-apple because your neck and shoulder muscles swallowed it, you've gone too far. Let's all be healthy, but let's not be obsessed. Moderation in all things guys!"

 AND THEN...I realized it was a dumb post. How can my life be so busy and wonderful, but my mind still finds the time to obsess about men? Curse you men and your mind control! I'm not looking for someone perfect...usually I'm not even looking. But always the thinking...always the analyzing...always the wishing...and then usually the feeling pathetic about it. HA. I know just how Wolverine feels.

Life is too wonderful to clutter your mind with necessary things. For example, here are a few good things I've experienced:
The Punch Brothers live at the Egyptian Theater in Ogden, Utah. I was continually smitten by all of them.

Change of Sunday Meeting House! We now meet in the building right behind my house so I can walk to church, and we went from 9 am to 1 pm until further notice!
Working for the school district to help with evaluations. It's been great seeing all of the schools, teachers, and classrooms! Also...money is nice.
Finding two new roommates! Jernae and Charity are moving in at the beginning of June!
Coming Attraction: MY MOM VISITING ME!

Holi Festival!
Kid History 4
So life is good...and men are too...but that doesn't mean I should think about the latter all the time.

This SO perfectly articulates what I feel.

So perfectly...I mean, i can't even describe how perfectly.

Colors of the Wind

So basically I love Disney's Pocahontas! I know, it's unrealistic, but who cares! Cinderella was unrealistic, Aladdin, Pinnochio- all of them, because they're fairy tales. Pocahontas is just a modern-American fairy tale. My American Indian History teacher (from highschool) said it romantisized American Indians and he called it "Hoax-upon-us", but like I said, whatever!
Anyway, now that we've moved on past that issue...I was just thinking, how great is the song "Colors of the Wind"!? For funsies I thought it would be cool to find scriptures that correlate with the lyrics, becasue that's just how I roll! To make it simple and legit, I've linked the lyrics to the scriptures etc. at LDS.org, have fun!
Here are the (Vanessa Williams version) lyrics:

You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name (It's wonderful; it changed my life & how I think about everything)
(Also  D&C88:13) (Also Moses 3:5)

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you (2 Nephi 26:33)
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew (hymn 29, especially verse 7)

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned ? (It seems to me that if God knows and loves all of His creations, he wouldn't want us to abuse or mistreat them. We should love God's creations and creatures- Moses 1:35)
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain ?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind ? (One of my all-time favorites, D&C 128:23)
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind ? (The beauty and wonder of the Earth are testimonies of God's love)

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest (D&C 89:20)
Come taste the sun-sweet berries of the earth (Moses 2)
Come roll in all the riches all around you (Gen. 2:9)
And for once, never wonder what they're worth (D&C 56:17)

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers (D&C 61:14; Gen. 1:20; Rev. 8:10) (Also see Abraham 4)
The heron and the otter are my friends (The 8th set of song lyrics he mentions, about shooting birds)
In a cirle, in a hoop that never ends (D&C 132:19-24)

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon (D&C 88:6-13)
Or let the eagle tell you there hes been (Deut. 14:12- Don't Eat eagles!)
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain ? (Isaiah 44:23)
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind ? (Mark 4:37-41)
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind ? (Genesis 1:1- God really DID paint the colors of the wind, and someday so can I!)

How high does the sycamore grow ?
If you cut it down, then youll never know (1 Nephi 15:36- How high can our eternal glory grow?! Don't you want to find out? The better I live, the better my reward will be! Thank you George Harrison!)

And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon (D&C 88:45)
For whether we are white or copper-skinned (1 John 4:7- Love everyone, God does!)
We just sing with all the voices of the mountain (Isaiah 40:9)
Need to paint with all the colors of the wind (The Work of Creation)
You can own the earth and still
All you'll own is earth until
You can paint with all colors of the wind (One last gem for you! Be nice to the animals and the earth!)

Amazing talk!

So I've moved.

That's right stalkers, I've moved to Ogden, Utah!

Despite the bitter cold (It's September and I'm already cold?! I'm going to freeze to death!) I'm actually liking the Mormon-packed North. As you know at this point, I like to blog via-lists, and so here we go:

Good things about Ogden:
1. Peery's Egyptian Theater
2. Ott Planetarium3. Fun roommates

4. Ogden LDS Temple 5. I live close to Khiah!6. I like Weber State and my institute classes are sweet-a!

7. Riding the bus

Icky things about Weber:

1. Cold/snow

2. crime rate
3. Creepers on the bus

Grateful December Ramblings

Hayley and some guy at the temple nativity
So I just feel so grateful lately! I was talking to Khiah, one of my best friends, and she was all, "you're so lucky!" Well Khiah, you're right, I am. I have so much to be thankful for! I wanted it to snow so bad, I missed Virginia and I missed those cold winters in Main Hall. So I prayed for snow, and look at Saint George now, it's covered in snow! My prayers have been answered in beautiful, eerie, quiet, clean snow. Here are some pictures of my cul-de-sac, home and the St. George temple:

It snowed a whole ton! And it stuck! Yay!

My neice Lucy,
my snowman, "Ice Snowwalker," and yours truely!

The shepherds from the nativity had snow on their heads and I thought it was funny!

Someone made a snowman!

The St. George, Utah temple

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

The temple in the snow

I love that there are colorful blossoms amidst the snow!
Welcome to southern Utah!

Purple morning glories in the snow

More Holiness to the Lord

The House of the Lord

I love how the temple looked against the sky

On another note, I was listening to a song on a CD that I've listened to oodles of times before- The Boy Least Likely To, "I'm glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star". As I said I've listened to it before, but I guess I just never listened to the lyrics before- an odd thing because I always notice lyrics. So anyway, the lyrics really hit me.

Here they are:

"I was young and I was stupid I had just turned seventeen,I took my hits on a dumb road trip to Nashville Tennessee,I packed my antihistamines and Tupperware drums,a harmonica and a box guitar,in a canvas covered wagon stuff with apples and with guns.We quietly slipped across the border into Arkansas,But still we couldn't find what it was we were looking for,So we trucked on down to try our luck along the Rio Grande,But I couldn't help but notice how,The little things that used to make us happy made us sad.But still I'm glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star,I never would've got here if I'd followed my heart,I didn't think much of it till I took it apart,I'm glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star.We never ever made it down to Nashville in the end,And no one ever signed our stupid country disco band,However hard we tried it never seemed to be enough,We never did get famous,Still it made us kind of happy and it kept me off of drugs.And now I'm glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star,I never would've got here if I'd followed my heart,I didn't think much of it til I took it apart,I'm glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star.But still I'm glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star,I'm happy if you're happy but it breaks my heart,I didn't even notice it til it fell apart,I'm glad I hitched my apple wagon to your star.

So it got me thinking about God. So many times in life I think I know what I need or what I thought would make me happy. After time and thought I always realize that my desires are nothing compared to what God actually gives me. If I had my ways all along I'd be a teen bride with Aaron Vleming and we'd have a whole herd of kids already! Sick. I'm glad I hitched my life wagon to my Heavenly Father's star! I'm glad I didn't follow my heart. So yeah, it's a happy song. It's a good song and it true, think about it!

Documentaries Rule!

Just to clarify, this isn't a entertainment blog! I just have a lot of free time and there are a lot of noteworthy things on TV and in movies.

Today it's "Autism x6" on Discovery Health. I love Discovery and Discovery Health. Documentaries about unique people and disorders and situations fascinate me. Today I was channel surfing and I happened upon this one. Oh man! It is pulling on my heart strings, I keep crying as I watch it!

Two things to keep in mind:

1. I have a best friend/younger brother who is severely autistic. I love him to death, he is my life. My job is to take care of him.

2. "I'm a major weeper." Babies, kittens, visa Olympic commercials- brief thoughts of babies, car wrecks or diseased and old people- old people, poor people etc. etc. make me cry. I cried about 10 times watching The Incredibles and constantly watching Pollyanna.

So back to the special on the LDS family from Murray, Utah who have 6 paternal autistic children. They are amazing! I guess I don't have too much too say, I just urge everyone to watch it! As they speak about each of the children and the differences they exhibit, I see all of their behavior in my brother (and for the few that are higher functioning- Aspergers- I see my older brother!) I love my brother and know the spirit he brings into my life and as hard as it must be for the parents, I can also imagine the spirit that must fill their house! Woah, so- watch it.

Here are some of my other favorites:

http://health.discovery.com/tv/duggars/duggars.html
http://dsc.discovery.com/convergence/planet-earth/planet-earth.html
http://health.discovery.com/fansites/drg/how-not-to-die/how-not-to-die.html

http://shop.nationalgeographic.com/product/1001214/2532/1001210.html

http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/videos/player.html?channel=1805&category=4488&title=05468_00

http://www.discoverychannel.co.uk/web/my-shocking-story/episode-guide/freak-show-family/

http://www.discoverychannel.co.uk/web/my-shocking-story/previous-episodes/half-man-half-tree/

http://www.discoverychannel.co.uk/web/my-shocking-story/previous-episodes/worlds-heaviest-man/

There are loads others, but I can't find the links.

Half Ton Mom, Half Ton Dad...just save your TV hours for late late night/early morning TLC or anytime Discovery, Discovery Health and National Geographic.

I am so excited to watch :

"Marathon Love"!

http://www.discoverychannel.co.uk/web/my-shocking-story/episode-guide/treeman-the-cure/