My social life has changed quite a lot. Many of the friends that I used to associate with are no longer in my life, and I think there are a lot of reasons for that. It could be easy for me to say that some people left because I left the LDS church, and I really do believe that that's part of it, but there are a lot of other reasons for my social skimming and changing.
I find myself constantly battling and trying to figure out what I even want in a social life. In the past I've experienced a lot of variety with the kind of society I've kept, including the type and amount.
When I moved to Utah in middle school I had a really hard time making friends. I struggled until my senior year when I made a best friend. I spent a lot of time during my teenage years sitting alone in the computer room making Lord of the Rings slideshows set to Enya music. I know it really worried my mom, who I'm sure thought that I should be more social at that age. Truth be told, I wanted to be more social, but I had no idea how to do it.
In college I was very social. I made fantastic friends who are still my friends today. We were always hanging out and having a good time. I still definitely liked to have alone time though. That is something that I have always possessed –a love of alone time.
After college I moved to Ogden to pursue my masters degree. That first year was kind of miserable, but also pretty happy. I had a really hard time making friends, and I spent most of that year watching two movies a day, studying, going to class, and sometimes hanging out with my friend and cousin, Hillary.
Sooner or later I made some friends in Ogden and became the social butterfly of my LDS Singles Ward. Whenever anyone wanted to know what was going on they called or texted me. If anyone wanted to send out an announcement, they had me text everyone because I had all the numbers. Every Sunday night, and usually at least one other night during the week, I had people over to play games, hang out, and party. I was always doing something social and I loved it.
In time I stopped hanging out with a lot of my old friends and I moved across town. But as soon as I start attending my new Singles Ward, I jumped right in with the same enthusiasm as my previous Ward. It was a different crowd, but it was the same scene – if you know what I mean.
Maybe it was working at that girls camp- always been surrounded by people and being responsible for dozens of girls constantly. Something changed in me. It was soon after that I stopped attending church, and I also got really involved in my work.
I found myself working on average working 10 to 12 hours a day, five days a week. When I get home after work I would be so tired- I would just want to eat, watch TV, relax, and then go to bed. I felt that a lot of the people that I associated with started getting frustrated with me. They would want to hang out during the week or on the weekends, but I just wasn't available. Weeknights I was tired, and weekends I started going down to Salt Lake.
I found that I really liked that schedule for the most part. After being swarmed, touched, and harassed by children all day long you don't really want to hang out with a bunch of people. There were definitely the nights where I just wanted to hang out with someone- just one or two people not doing anything, not going out- just sitting around together.
I have some friends that I think perceive me as wanting different things than I actually want. I don't want to be the social butterfly who has everyone's numbers and has game nights every Sunday and Tuesday. But on the other hand it makes me sad sometimes when all I really want is to hang out with someone and there's no one around. I think the real problem is that I don't know what I want.
I definitely think that my age is a big factor. As I get older I care less about big groups and I want to just settle down with a very small and select group of people. I find myself being more picky, and that tends to make it harder to find friends. In the past I could hang out with just anyone and be okay with it, but I don't want to hang out with just anyone anymore.
I want to hang out with people who I feel like understand me and support me. Sometimes I think I don't really care about making friends, like I hit the timer in my brain that says 'just find a husband and have a baby- that's your new social circle.'
Pretty soon I'm going to move into a new place and live alone with two cats. Maybe I'm starting my new life as a cat lady, but I look forward to the solitude. But I worry that I'll become too independent and cut off from other people- like the character, Will, from About a Boy.
I can't be an island, but I also don't want to be a nightclub. I want people around me, but not just any people. I guess it's all just part of growing up and this is probably super normal for a single person of 28.
I don't know if that was any sort of conclusion, but I feel like stopping here. I feel like I can't write a conclusion, because I don't know the conclusion will be. I know I have a lot of fantastic things ahead of me, and I'm excited to see what my future will bring.
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