Ch ch ch changes...

No doubt about it, this has been a crazy year for me. Recently I've thought about some of the changes I've been experiencing. There certainly are the more obvious changes and experiences, like my leaving the LDS church, and mourning the deaths of two very important people in my life. But there have also been some changes that are possibly less noticeable to others.

My social life has changed quite a lot. Many of the friends that I used to associate with are no longer in my life, and I think there are a lot of reasons for that. It could be easy for me to say that some people left because I left the LDS church, and I really do believe that that's part of it, but there are a lot of other reasons for my social skimming and changing. 

I find myself constantly battling and trying to figure out what I even want in a social life. In the past I've experienced a lot of variety with the kind of society I've kept, including the type and amount.

When I moved to Utah in middle school I had a really hard time making friends. I struggled until my senior year when I made a best friend. I spent a lot of time during my teenage years sitting alone in the computer room making Lord of the Rings slideshows set to Enya music. I know it really worried my mom, who I'm sure thought that I should be more social at that age. Truth be told, I wanted to be more social, but I had no idea how to do it. 

In college I was very social. I made fantastic friends who are still my friends today. We were always hanging out and having a good time. I still definitely liked to have alone time though. That is something that I have always possessed –a love of alone time. 

After college I moved to Ogden to pursue my masters degree. That first year was kind of miserable, but also pretty happy. I had a really hard time making friends, and I spent most of that year watching two movies a day, studying, going to class, and sometimes hanging out with my friend and cousin, Hillary. 

Sooner or later I made some friends in Ogden and became the social butterfly of my LDS Singles Ward. Whenever anyone wanted to know what was going on they called or texted me. If anyone wanted to send out an announcement, they had me text everyone because I had all the numbers. Every Sunday night, and usually at least one other night during the week, I had people over to play games, hang out, and party. I was always doing something social and I loved it. 

In time I stopped hanging out with a lot of my old friends and I moved across town. But as soon as I start attending my new Singles Ward, I jumped right in with the same enthusiasm as my previous Ward. It was a different crowd, but it was the same scene – if you know what I mean.  

Maybe it was working at that girls camp- always been surrounded by people and being responsible for dozens of girls constantly. Something changed in me. It was soon after that I stopped attending church, and I also got really involved in my work.

 I found myself working on average working 10 to 12 hours a day, five days a week. When I get home after work I would be so tired- I would just want to eat, watch TV, relax, and then go to bed. I felt that a lot of the people that I associated with started getting frustrated with me. They would want to hang out during the week or on the weekends, but I just wasn't available. Weeknights I was tired, and weekends I started going down to Salt Lake.

I found that I really liked that schedule for the most part. After being swarmed, touched, and harassed by children all day long you don't really want to hang out with a bunch of people. There were definitely the nights where I just wanted to hang out with someone- just one or two people not doing anything, not going out- just sitting around together.

I have some friends that I think perceive me as wanting different things than I actually want. I don't want to be the social butterfly who has everyone's numbers and has game nights every Sunday and Tuesday. But on the other hand it makes me sad sometimes when all I really want is to hang out with someone and there's no one around. I think the real problem is that I don't know what I want.

I definitely think that my age is a big factor. As I get older I care less about big groups and I want to just settle down with a very small and select group of people. I find myself being more picky, and that tends to make it harder to find friends. In the past I could hang out with just anyone and be okay with it, but I don't want to hang out with just anyone anymore.

 I want to hang out with people who I feel like understand me and support me. Sometimes I think I don't really care about making friends, like I hit the timer in my brain that says 'just find a husband and have a baby- that's your new social circle.' 

Pretty soon I'm going to move into a new place and live alone with two cats. Maybe I'm starting my new life as a cat lady, but I look forward to the solitude. But I worry that I'll become too independent and cut off from other people- like the character, Will, from About a Boy. 

I can't be an island, but I also don't want to be a nightclub. I want people around me, but not just any people. I guess it's all just part of growing up and this is probably super normal for a single person of 28. 

I don't know if that was any sort of conclusion, but I feel like stopping here. I feel like I can't write a conclusion, because I don't know the conclusion will be. I know I have a lot of fantastic things ahead of me, and I'm excited to see what my future will bring.

Love love love. Or more specifically, dating.

I've come to a realization lately. I need to stop complaining about the things I want. I mean, how is it logical to say, "I really want a degree...but I'm going to complain about school every step of the way?" Or, "I really want a boyfriend...men are such idiots! I can't stand them! They need to ask me out...bla bla bla."? No, it's not. A. STOP COMPLAINING (Remember audience, this blog is usually me talking about me...so I'm saying, I need to stop complaining.) And not only do I need to cut back on complaining in general, but I really need to stop complaining about things I want, or actually like!

I don't understand much about men, but I do know this- It takes two to tango, it goes both ways, and non of us are innocent. Men are idiots, but so are women. Women are scared and confused, but so are men.

B. I think I’ve discovered something about men. I mean, I don’t think I do, or ever will, understand them- but I think I’ve caught a glimpse. I’ve always thought that when a guy gives me attention, flirts with me, tells me personal things, and is comfortable- he likes me. I mean, that’s how I treat guys that I “like like.”

BRAIN BLAST! That’s also how I treat guys that I just like as friends…

I was going to say that when a guy treated me this way, I assumed it meant he liked me, but maybe the problem is that he’s too comfortable with me. Maybe I need a guy to feel nervous and a little bit uneasy around me…maybe it’s the ones who I don’t notice, because they’re too afraid to be at ease with me, who like like me…

Maybe this is how it is, they like like me- they hide; they like me- they’re my best friend. Maybe I do the same thing to men. But guess what- that’s crap!

"HAPPY SMILE. SAD FROWN."

If I like a guy I should be able to shower him with attention- I’m not talking stalker, over the top drowning here- I just mean an appropriate amount of affection. I want to date my best friend; I want to marry my best friend. I don’t want friends and a lover, I want a friend lover.

That’s my pattern though. I meet a guy. I like a guy. We become great friends. He thinks I’m amazing, “great people” (I SO relate with Queen Latifah’s character in Just Wright), he loves me, but doesn’t love me (it’s like my excess of fans, when all I really want is friends). The problem with guys friends who I want to be more than friends, is that it makes me feel like I’m in a hole, a rigid pattern, that I’ll never escape. He’ll tell me his thoughts and secrets, I’ll get close, and then one day he’ll tell me about the girl he like likes, the girl that’s not me.

So here’s the thing, this blog was initially going to be very different. It was, and now will be, about giving men a break. I think women love to blame men for all of the relationship problems in the world, and men love to blame women. But the reality is that it’s hard for everyone. Women are afraid of being shutdown and of not being asked out, dated, and loved. But men have to do the asking! And guess what, they’re definitely afraid of being shutdown, turned down, and not being loved. I used to say, “Men need to grow a pair and ask girls out!” Or, “It’s not like a lot of girls say, ‘No;’ guys just need to ask the right girls out, I wouldn’t say no.” But I’ve come to realize, girls say no to guys all of the time- and not just the creepers, girls turn down guys all the time (and most likely for the same bogus reasons guys aren’t asking more girls out).

Guys think girls want something unrealistic, perfect- Edward Cullen, and maybe some girls do- but most of us want real men. Real men who make mistakes, who aren't cold and "perfect" (but actually Edward is creepy on like 12 levels...). And women think the same thing- we think you want models with "perfect" bodies...but I have a feeling, that like us, men want real people too. Emotional, squooshy women.

I'LL TAKE AN IMPERFECT REALITY OVER A PERFECT FANTASY ANY DAY.

It worries me. When a man, or women, we fancy doesn’t return affection in the way we think they should- we immediately assume there’s something wrong with us. Just because a guy doesn’t ask me out, it doesn’t mean I’m ugly, fat, or terrible in some way. Just because a girl doesn’t bat her eyes at you, doesn’t mean you’re weak, or undesirable. Why can’t we (this definitely includes myself) just realize that he/she doesn’t know you like them, and he/she likes another he/she, but yet another he/she likes you! It’s all scrambled and confusing, but it will all work out as it should!

And girls- we do things that screw it all up too. Like constantly surrounding each other in a swarm of girls- how can any guy get in, if we don’t leave any open seats at the table for them?!

 

I guess we’ll never understand each other, we women and men. 

A dear, dear friend of mine, Emily, says of men, “Yjnhyhbbgfhgbhgtfhbgtg….what does that mean…it’s what I hear when men speak.”

My dear cousin Anne, said of the lovable brutes, “kdj;lfngj;lkgsda;lfkadj….or at least that is what men hear."

And another thing, when you ask your married friends, “How do you do it, how do you date?” They may answer, “Oh well you just have to do this…or that…” But the reality is, they were in the same position we single folk are in currently. They were worried about the same things. They were fretting over misunderstandings and whining about the lack of dates. And then one day, it changed. They met the right person, at the right time- and it worked out.

The point is- we’re all confused. Give the beasts a chance. Everything is usually misunderstanding.

Tribute to Khi and Kate-abees.

So I was sitting by someone in church and they started popping their knuckles...yuck...and it got me thinking about all the little things I miss about my old roommates- Katie and Khiah. So here are a few things I miss about my buddies, in list form of course.

1. They don't pop their knuckles

2. They do not belch aloud

3. They do not swear

4. They recited movie lines in everyday conversation

5. They know what I mean when I say, "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! TELL ME I'M PRETTY!" or "DO SOMETHING!"...okay, that's basically a repeat of #4...

6. They wear slips

7. They do not speak inappropriately about sexual things

8. They would totally gorge on junk food with me right now if they could!

9. But they're not total gluttons, we all like a good strawberry salad!

10. I can be more of myself around them than anyone I know.

11. I feel like I have to be better than I usually am when I'm around them, and it's the most comfortable and natural thing, it doesn't make me feel bad

12. They are always modest in their clothing and languege

13. They read a lot

Now I must do some post-disclaimers:

I am guilty of doing a lot of the things they don't do, like swearing and belching etc...but the thing is, I did it so much less around them. I hate that I've been letting these bad habits slip back into my life...I miss how I was around them.

Another thing, I have some other amazing friends besides Katie and Khiah, and I really hope they don't think I love them any less because of this blog or my love for KK. I don't think people who act differently than KK are heathens, but I can certainly appreciate Khiah and Katie for the way they do, or do not, behave.

Thanks Khiah and Katie, for helping me behave better. For behaving well yourselves. For always making me feel comfortable.

Love, Laur-abees.