Sometimes you have impossible day dreams to fulfill the need for romantic attachment.
Sometimes you have a crush.
Sometimes you are getting over someone.
Sometimes you're on the prowl.
Sometimes there are no men to pursue or crush on.
But you don't feel sad that there's nothing, you feel like this:
My romantic life is a barren wonderland.
Sometimes it's nice to not have romantic anything for anyone. Sometimes it's nice to hug the warm salt and appreciate that there are no interesting plants or bugs crawling around to distract you. The solitude and sound of the Earth are enough. Friends are all you want, and all you need. You see the crazy all around you, and indulge in the nothingness.
Here's a post I never finished. I do not intend to finish it, so here it is all choppy and incomplete (even more than usual).
So I've been thinking about two things in particular lately. 1. 90 percent of all human drama in unintentional. And 2. Our differences make us beautiful, and in no way have to prevent "Zion" from happening.
1. 90 percent of all human drama in unintentional.
2. Our differences make us beautiful, and in no way have to prevent Zion. See Moses 7:18
DISCLAIMER: If the words poop, vagina, penis, love, boogers, or sex bother you- BEWARE. At least for the first part.
I've been told I'm awkward at least 1000 times, and you know what- that's cool. I guess that's the thing about awkwardness- it's not always that awkward. I think a lot of situations that people consider awkward or embarrassing are pretty normal, but people think it's taboo to talk about them, or to experience them.
Now don't worry, even I am sane enough to recognize things that are awkward. Shouting through tears, "I'm not a lesbian!!!!" and being serious about it...at an LDS singles ward FHE...awkward. Confrontation- awkward. Suing someone, or being sued- awkward.
Talking with someone you just met about how you were molested as a child or raped, masturbation, addiction, being a hermaphrodite, killing someone...etc.- all awkward.
So, some things in life are awkward, and they mostly fit into two categories: over-share with people you don't know well enough, and confrontation. But guess what? There are a lot of other things that aren't really as awkward as everyone thinks, or at least they shouldn't be. In true Laura-style, I will discuss a few via list:
1. Going to the bathroom. I thought I'd just get this one out of the way. This includes periods, gas, grumbling tummies and the like. Before I continue however, I would like to point out that while bodily functions don't have to be so taboo, that does not make it polite to say things like, "I gotta take a piss," or share details of your visit with john with strangers or acquaintances. "I have to go to the bathroom," great. "I'm gonna burst...insert location...etc." Not okay with polite company. Friends who are cool with it, family- go to town. I wont lie, I'm a member of a poop club.
Also, I'm going to toss in boogers. No, you shouldn't wipe them on your mom's silk couch, and no- you should not eat them...wait, I just barfed all over the universe...okay, I'm composed now. The point is, blowing your nose, sneezing, extracting boogers with your tissue, or hey, your finger- who cares?! Let people evacuate the dance floor in their noses. (Your doctor might care about the finger situation because you're passing bacteria to a susceptible place and then to other people and/or objects.)
Periods. I remember when I stopped hiding the pads in my grocery cart. That's right, I used to buy as much as possible when I went shopping for my feminine needs. I would buy as much as possible so that I could hide my pads in my cart. I was horrified that someone would see me buying the goods. They would glance at the pads and judge me. THEY WOULD KNOW I WAS ON THE FLOW! One day I was at Wal-mart. I needed some feminine supplies. Pads, pills, Popsicles, the works. I thought to cover them up, and then it dawned on me. I'm a woman. People know I have periods. People know I have boobs and a uterus. It's not embarrassing. I am not embarrassing. I am woman, here me PMS! For more information on how periods are not awkward, ask VINNIE! As with the other non-awkwards, there is always potential for non-kosher social behavior. Do not announce to large groups the state or existence of your period. Do not pester horrified men with talk about your "heavy flow and wide set vagina."
2. Romance. I'm talking having feelings for someone, someone having feelings for you, kissing, sex, having babies, breast feeding. I just hate that I do, or have ever felt guilty, creepy, or bad because I have a crush on someone. Okay, if it's a relative or a child etc.- you should feel bad, but my liking a man of a reasonable age, who is not my cousin etc.- what's SO terrible about it!? What do I have to speak in hushed tones and turn red just because I think someone is physically attractive? Why do any of us? Asking people out shouldn't be so taboo. If you don't want to go out, say no. If you do, say yes. I could go on and on with this one, but I'm not going to. Life is awkward, love is awkward.
3. Falling down, stumbling, spoonerism, brain-farts, tripping, being a human being. I stumble on my words all the time. I drop things like they're hot constantly. Perhaps I'm tired of writing this post, or perhaps I think everyone will just get this one without all of the horrifyingly blunt verbal pandering I was doing earlier.
4. Compliments. If someone gives you a compliment, say thank you. That's it, that's all you have to do. Don't fight it- THAT WILL MAKE IT AWKWARD. The more you accept compliments, the more you will believe them. The more you believe them, the more true they will become. Typically if someone compliments you, they're being genuine- if they're obviously being douche bags, feel free to respond in like manner. However, when in doubt, pretend it's compliment. Jackson Pollock (an okay artist) said, "Abstract painting is abstract. It confronts you. There was a reviewer a while back who wrote that my pictures didn't have any beginning or any end. He didn't mean it as a compliment, but it was." Abraham Lincoln, a wise man and successful selector of accouterments said, "Everybody likes a compliment." And I just have to add this gem from Mitch Hedberg, "I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it."
5. Doing the right thing/pointing out the rules. Good friends will keep you in line. One of my best friends has very different moral standards than me. I mean yeah, we both think killing and be butt-heads is wrong. We have a lot of the same moral standards, but we disagree about some pretty big issues. With all of this disagreeing you'd think the two of us would be at each others throats constantly- on the contrary, we've never argued before. I'm not saying arguing means you're not good friends, nor am I saying that healthy debate is bad. I am saying that just because you disagree with someones beliefs, doesn't mean you can't get along. I don't drink, smoke, participate in drug use, premarital sex, or pornography. If ever I attempted to do any of these things in Hillary's presence, I feel confident that she would stop me. Hillary knows who I want to be, and she supports that. A true friend supports who you are and who you want to be (Disclaimer: I'm certainly not saying that Hillary participates in those things). A good friend wouldn't try to talk you out of things they know are important to you. I'm so tired of hearing about people I love who have "friends" who keep trying to talk them into behaving in ways contrary to their moral beliefs. We are not 15. I am SO over peer pressure. If your friends are not supporting the kind of person you know you should be, lose them. Boyd K. Packer said, "If you are slipping into things that you should not slip into or if you are associating with people who are pulling you away in the wrong direction, that is the time to assert your independence, your agency. Listen to the voice of the Spirit, and you will not be led astray." Good friends will encourage you to do good things. I don't care how long you've known them, they're not your family. If they're dragging you down, cut the rope.
7. Changing in the locker room. Enough said. It's not awkward, but admittedly I'm a bit of an exhibitionist. In general I just don't think nudity is awkward. I mean yeah, be modest, but nudity- get over it.
I know I already posted today, but well...I don't know what to do with myself and so I'm posting again! Because I'm Laura (3rd person...shudder), I'm going to present this post in list form.
Things that made me happy today and lately:
The sunset was gorgeous.
I did a 5k.
I went on a nice walk.
I made hummus and tabbouleh salad.
I slept in.
I watched TV.
I did some homework.
I had miso soup.
I looked pretty.
My principal provided this weeks lesson plans so I didn't have to plan anything.
I subbed Spanish and it was good overall, or I mean bien.
I lost some more weight.
Things that made me pooey today and lately:
I burnt something and then my landlord did, so our house smells awful.
I walked most of that 5k.
I thought too much on my walk.
My hummus and tabbouleh salad weren't as good as usual, but they were pretty good.
As you know, see previous post, I had too much time on my hands and it led me to thinking about all of my fears about life.
I wasn't lazy and relaxed enough.
I didn't do enough homework.
I wasn't productive enough.
I missed my dad and wanted to talk to him more than anybody in the whole world. I want to talk to him about my fears. I wanted him to give me a blessing. I wanted his perspective on the scriptures. I wanted to talk to him about boys. I wanted to hug him and smell his awful Pepsi saturated skin. I wanted to hear one of his silly sound effects. I wanted to see his nub. I wanted to talk about tennis and science with him. I wanted to share music with him. I just wanted my dad so much.
What do you do when you see your beauty inside and out, I mean you really see it, but you worry it wont make any difference. I'm in a weird mood. I've put on my makeup and done my hair. I'm wearing the floral sweatsuit my grandma gave me. I'm looking in the mirror and the sun is lighting it up. I'm noticing physical changes in myself that are positive. I ran a 5k. I have a day off. The weather is looking nice. I see that I'm a beautiful daughter of God. I see that I'm smart, funny, and friendly. I see that I have amazing friends who love me. I see that I have a good life. I'm trying to see that everything will work out. I think I know it will. But "in the meantime" hurts. I'm afraid of so many things. I'm afraid of repeating the same patterns (I've blogged about this before, see previous post). I'm afraid of putting myself out there, just to be pushed down again. I'm afraid of so many things.
The other day I realized my fears and paranoia about men were my own lack of faith and my supply of insecurities rearing their ugly little heads. I suppose, as per usual, I don't have a point. I just thought it seemed like a bit of a contradiction. Seeing so much beauty in yourself, and still being afraid that no one else (men...certain ones) will see it or care about it. I'm going to get to work, if there's anything in this world that can lift one's spirits, or build confidence, it's work.
I wish men could see me through my own eyes sometimes. I wish men could see themselves through my eyes sometimes. I wish I could see myself through the eyes of men sometimes. I never wish to see men through the eyes of men. I think men are wonderful, and that's how I want to keep seeing them.
Human emotions are amazing. Amazing and bad, and amazing and good. One minute I feel beautiful and good. The next I don't. One minute I think he likes me, the next not. I sit here and wish he'd talk to me on FB or text me or come over or something. But that's ridiculous bc I could just invite him or initiate it myself. I don't know, it's silly, but also not silly.
I guess I'm just afraid of my feelings. I'm afraid of my intense emotions. I try to say that I don't feel *that* deeply for him so quickly, but I'm afraid that I do. I'm afraid I'm falling or have fallen for him. I'm afraid that he'll like one of my friends or think we're only friends. It's happened before and I feel like I'm going up and down the stairs of the Notre dame, repeating the same thing over and over like a nightmare. I switch back and forth and I feel like David Bowie before he got with Iman, I mean pick a sexual orientation Bowie! Pick an emotion Laura!
Are my emotions and fears silly or not? Who gives a flaming bingo dauber?!
