CRAZY TOWN.

You know how sometimes you're sitting there and your mind goes on a journey, but noone around you sees that journey, and so all they see is you sitting there and then suddenly you're crying or laughing? Well, I will now attempt to take you on the journey that my mind traveled at the gym. Good luck, and enjoy the soundtrack that was playing on my headphones.

"I wish I would have left at 4:30 like I knew I should have...now my 1 1/2 hour work out is only going to be 35 minutes...all I did was sit around, what a waste of a day."

Look up at news. "These wildfires and heatwaves are just awf....WHAT?! Katie and Tom are splitting? Good, I hate Tom, Katie needs to escape that situation."

"Should I turn on the fan on the exercise bike? No, I like the sweat! There's nothing better than sweating all over the place...that is, when you want to be sweaty. It's not cool when you're sweaty and you're at church or something..."

Look up at the news again. See video of teenagers bullying a sweet old lady. Almost cry. "That is so sad, that poor lady." Remember being bullied on the bus, a lot. Remember being bullied for my weight. Remember bullying other kids. "That's why I have to work out. I have to lose weight...no, but that's wrong. That lady is probably really nice...Everyone thinks those kids are evil or something, but they're just being kids and it happened to get caught on tape. Those poor kids probably feel awful and stupid now. They were just trying to protect themselves by hurting someone else...It's so hard to lose weight. Every time it doesn't work out with a guy I automatically assume it's my weight. It's like in the beginning of that movie Loser when the main guy is telling that girl, or whoever, that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him because she lost a ton of weight and she started getting asked out by hotter guys. Fat people date, but it's usually other fat people. I'm not as fat anymore. My wrists are tiny! Mom said yours wrists always stay the same size. FALSE. Everything gets smaller. It's hard when you try to lose weight for so long. I've grown to hate my fat. Sometimes I hate other people's fat. That's terrible. People are beautiful, I'm beautiful. A person's worth, that includes me, is not based on their weight. I look better, but the scale isn't changing. I miss (insert name of latest crush), I wonder if I was skinny like (insert name of girl he asked out), if he would have asked me out? I bet (insert names of some guys I know) would go out with me, but I don't want to go out with them...My calve muscles are outrageous, damn Gina....20 more minutes."

"My tummy feels funny...but that chili I made was so good..." Worry about money. Wish I had money to buy food.

"I'm going to go running after this. I hope I don't dry out like last time and choke on the air. I wish I had come earlier. I wish the gym was open until 7. I wish (insert The Idiots name) would just call me. I wish he would ask me out...'No, I couldn't possibly make it until 7 at the earliest..." (said in my voice). 'Okay, well 7 will have to work, I will pick you up at your house then' (said in his voice)...Look at that man's leg muscles; he's all sinewy. A man's leg muscles are the window to my heart. I wonder if a cross section of his thigh would look like that healthy man's thigh cross section picture I saw on Pinterest a few weeks ago?..That man kinda has a mullet. 10 more minutes..." Insert a lot of day dreaming about spending time with The Idiot.

Cool down. "I feel good. I'm going to blog about this. So what if I have nothing to do tonight. I am going to go running, it will make me feel better. Should I call The Idiot up? I keep saying 'This is the last time,' but then I give in and text him or fb him anyway...stupid Ensign article about that lady not giving up on her husband..."
 
So yeah, crazy town. CRAZY TOWN. That's why I keep at least 85% of my thoughts inside, little did you know based on how much I talk. I love my life. I think I'm a happy person, but sometimes the journey to peace of mind and happiness includes some unhappy thoughts. Don't deny that your brain goes to crazy town on a minute-by-minute schedule. Please don't comment things like, "But you look so great!" Please don't tell me The Idiot is an idiot. And above all, please don't tell people I listen to dubstep or techno.

Update and a little rant

First, a little update. Life is pretty good. I got a job at Jo-Ann Fabric and Crafts, and so far I like it a lot!

I was called as the 1st counselor in the Relief Society.

Okay, when I started this I thought there would be more to say...yay summer!

Time for the rant. Once again, I am annoyed with men, big surprise. I am just tired of guy friends who think I'm their activity vending machine. I'm tired of guys who think it's my job to provide them with entertainment or a social outlet every few weeks, or when they feel like it. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot because having a friendship, or more, with some guys is like throwing gifts at a brick wall, and I'm the idiot throwing a cake (that it took me 3 hours to make) at a brick wall...

I'm tired of guys who want, but give nothing in return. 

 I'm tired of worrying about who initiated communication last.

 I'm tired of not knowing if it's:

A. Disinterest

B. Flakiness/general being a man-ness

C. Defense mechanisms

D. Fear/confusion/him being a pussy

 Everywhere I go I'm a wheel, more recently I was a 9th wheel.

 I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do about it.

I hate that I miss him.

But I guess I should try to end this on a positive note.

I love life. I love swimming. I love my nieces. I love my friends. I love black olives. I love playing the guitar poorly. I love avocados. I love riding my bike. I love my whole house! CLAP!

MY BUTT!

She was...

Lately I've been thinking about when I die and what will be said of me. Now don't worry, I don't plan on dieing anytime soon, these thoughts have come from reading the Book of Mormon and thinking about family history work.

When I go on walks, runs, or bike rides I look around and see perfect yards everywhere. My landlord is constantly working on the yard (perk for me!), my neighbors are ANAL about having the lawn mowed to perfection, and everywhere I go I see flowers being planted and fences being painted. It makes me think about when I have a house one day. I think it's great for people who enjoy working in their yards. It's wonderful excersize and can be quite enjoyable work, but I can't help but think...

when I'm dead and gone no one will care what my yard looked like.

No one ever puts, "Her lawn was always trimmed perfectly to 3/4 inch, and her hedges were never out of place," in obituatiaries. They might mention that someone was a master gardener, or an interior decorator, but life is about people and what they do, it's not about the things they have.

With that in mind I started thinking about what I would like people to say about me.

I want it to be said that...

 I was a great mother

I was a splendid wife

I wrote and illustrated a great childrens book (or two)

I was a devoted Latter-Day Saint

I made people laugh

I cared about people

I was a good teacher

I was fun

I was a great artist

But most of all, regardless of what people will say about me, I want to know that I fought the good fight, that I never gave up, and that I remained faithful until the end.

Also it would be nice if people thought I was a snazzy dresser.

I love working out

I love running because...
Of the rhythm
Of the endorphins
It's fun!
You get to go somewhere
You don't need anything but a pair of good shoes
It burns a mother lot of calories
It gives me a sweet ankle tan
It makes me feel alive
But...
It's killing my knees

I love riding my bike because...
I can go really fast
Endorphins!
Fun!
The wind in your hair and on your face!
You can cart stuff around on your bike
The rhythm
My American flag bell
But...
I don't really know how to fix/take care of my bike
HILLS.
I need bike shorts...they cost money

I love yoga because...
It puts my mind at ease
It feels SO good
It stretches me out
It's a great work out
Lot's of spandex.
Soothing music
But...
It's hard to find the instructor
It's hard to find the right class at the right time

I love the rowing machine because...
The rhythm is fabulous!
It works out your whole body
It feels good
It stretches you out
But...
It rubs my ankles

I love hiking because...
Nature is the best!
The mountains really are temples
It works you out good
It's fun
It's beautiful
Sometimes there are cute bugs and animals
But...
I don't always have someone to go with and it doesn't seem safe to go alone

I love swimming because...
Oh who am I kidding, I sorda like swimming, but I certainly would rather do almost any other workout.

I love working out because...
It pumps me full of positivity
My butt is looking hawt!
It makes me feel good
I'm losing weight
It helps me think
It's fun
Then I can do other things I want to do!
But...
It's totally worth the struggles and the challenges.
It's totally worth it all.

My hair looks like starlight, or in other words, I am who I should be.

Lately I have been, shall we say...blossoming.

I had a rough fall, and now the spring has sprung!

It's so much easier to be healthier and happier in the Spring!

So enjoy the now, not the then, and get a chacos tan!

I'm so happy to be 26 soon, because I'm so happy to be anything right now!

OCD, This is me not finding balance.

I have a tendency to be all or nothing with things. I used to be pretty OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)/germaphobic about a lot of things, but over the years I have gone to the far opposite in attempt to combat my OCD tendencies. Now I'm just a disgusting mess. Here are some lists of what make me OCD, and what make me disgusting.

OCD/Germaphobic (Things I used to do, or don't do so much anymore)
-Insist that the house be SPARKLING
-Not share food or drinks
-My teeth aren't clean unless they squeak (I still do this)
-Dishes cannot be in the sink past the end of the day
-Go pee like 5-10 times before bed (okay, this is a real symptom of OCD I think)
-Get a word or phrase stuck in my head like most people get a song stuck in their head
-Not share things like napkins, clothes, pillows, sheets, hair brushes (I still hate sharing brushes, hate it), and all sorts of other things

Nasty
-At HE someone dropped a raw hot dog on the dirty pavilion floor at the park. I said, I'll eat it, speared it with a roaster, roasted it, and ate it.
-I will eat almost anything (it's all about the porous nature of the food) that has fallen on the floor
-Dishes can be in the sink for like 2 days or something, shudder
-I haven't vacuumed my room in about 2 weeks (though I've picked it up about 10 times)
-I will share food or drinks with anyone, unless they are bugging me, have bad breath, or are all around nasty
-Go pee once, then go to bed (I'm proud of this victory!)
-Re-use my drinking cup for all sorts of juices and water for days, I'm talking lipstick and lemonade pulp

I think a lot of it has to do with working with disgusting, smelly children all day. If I was as germaphobic as I used to be I wouldn't survive a day teaching. Also, I have been working towards being more chill about things. I know I was way too uptight about everything being neat and tidy. I wouldn't get mad at roommates and family members for reasons they were oblivious to. I knew I had to get over it and so i worked at letting the small things go, like dishes or messy floors. Before I knew it I was eating hot dogs covered in park pavilion dirt.

CONFESSION

I had a serious confession to make. A confession that makes me a hypocrite and the bane of friends, family, the good people of Earth, and the following websites:

http://thosearentpants.com/

http://tightsarenotpants.com/manifesto

http://sadlyleggingsarenotpants.blogspot.com/

http://www.buzzfeed.com/sly/am-i-wearing-pants

I wear leggings as pants ALL THE TIME.

 I would NEVER wear them to work, unless they were under a dress with tall boots and it was mid winter.

I would NEVER wear them to church with a short skirt, there is no "unless" with this one.

Dancing in front of people? Yes, spandex!

 Halloween costumes, check.

 Bubble wrap/post tennis dance party, check.

 Laser tag, check.

 Parties, check.

 A day out on the town, check.

A long walk, check.

Hare Krishna temples? Check.

I guess I just don't care. I do not condone wearing super thin, see through tights as pants. I realize that the For the Strength of Youth says we shouldn't wear tight-fitting clothing. I realize that Doris Day wouldn't do it. But I also realize they make my butt look hot. I also realize they are so comfortable I could die. I also realize that I can do yoga at any time. I also realize that it was good enough for Jill Taylor on Home Improvement. I also realize that modesty is in your heart and it's individual. I guess I can't help it, toeing the line runs in my family, and I'm damn proud.