Do You Have an Old Laura somewhere inside you?

That's a creep factor-10 title.

Blarg. I think I've talked about this before, but once again it's been rearing it's ugly head. 

The Old Laura. Noooooooooooooooooo. 

I suppose everyone has an Old Laura. Or maybe some of you were born fantastic and never went through a mean phase or something (I bet you're kinda boring if you don't have an Old Laura in you, no! That was mean! It's the Old Laura coming out again!)

When I was younger I was a bit of a bully. I was mean and I really hurt some people with my words and behavior. Honestly I was a bully until about 1/2 way through college. I just didn't get that I should be nice. Sure I was nice to some people, but my humor was mainly deprecating and teasing at other people's expense.

 I don't want to go into details, but I was a real dickweed in elementary school. In HS I just didn't really have friends until senior year, and even when I did I was still mean, funny mean, but mean non the less. In college I started out as a hellion, just ask anyone who knew me when I was 18, but slowly and surely I changed. 

When I graduated from college one of my mentors and professors said I was like a different person. He was proud of me, and I was proud of myself too. I still teased and used mean humor to get a laugh and to protect myself, but I was better. 

I remember being back in Southern Utah and talking to a friend of mine on Facebook chat. It became our thing to "burn" each other and then award our foe with points...but the thing was, I was the only one burning. I started to have romantic feelings for this guy, but 90 %of the time when we communicated it was just me saying some sort of your mom joke and him laughing and saying, "Good one! 100 points!" It was about that time that I realized I hadn't quite eradicated the Old Laura yet, and that there was more to do.

Since that time I have tried to be kind as much as possible. I'm far from my goal and I have a lot of work to do, but I do feel that I have made positive growth. I think people in general would even say I'm pretty nice, or at least they wouldn't say I'm a jerk. 

But sometimes she comes out...the Old Laura. I hate her. Hate is a strong word, but I just hate her. I know she's a part of who I am and shaped the person I am today, but I don't like it when she visits. I tear myself apart and I have a hard time forgiving myself when I let it happen. It's just hard. I think, be nice...but then all of the sudden I start teasing someone and before I know I've created a negative relationship with someone. They know I tease them and then they tease me and that's just how we are...but that's not how I want it to be.

Having a negative humor relationship is dangerous, we always get hurt and we always take it too far. But it's hard to change a pattern once one has been created. Negative humor patterns and relationships happen with all sorts of people- co-workers, family, ward members, and friends.

One place I see it happen the most is with men I am attracted to. The Old Laura is made up of fear and protective mechanisms. 

If I leave him, he can't leave me.

If I push him away, he can't leave me.

If I'm a jerk, he will leave me.

I'm in control and I know he will leave me...

Like Blake and any other guy who split like a banana the second they found out I was romantically interested in them.

Like my friends.

Like certain members of my family.

Like my dad.

If I make them leave they can't make me leave...

So here we go. I like a guy, turn on the charm.

 1. Compliment them and shower them with flirtations and attention.

2. Fall head over heels for them and suck in all the dopamine in the universe

a. BECOME BI-POLAR

3. Sometimes be super nice to them

a. Sometime be super mean to them

b. Publicly humiliate them

c. Emasculate them

d. Stir in gifts, hugs, sexual innuendos, melt-downs, too many apologies, and a dash of self-loathing

4. They find out, whether by me or some other means, that I have feelings that are more than friendly for them

5. They leave

Perfect plan, right? NO! Stinkin' Old Laura! Go home Old Laura, yer drunk! Stahhhhhp!

Seriously readers, advice? I know my problem and I'm sure this self-awareness is half of the battle, but it's just hard. Sometimes I just get so exasperated with myself. I plan things out in my head. Next time I see him I will be a peach, and then I see him and I'm a total Reuben sandwich (I really dislike those)! And it's only after the fact that I seem to realize what I'm doing...I'm like a bad drunk who doesn't drink. At this rate I'll never have any meaningful relationships with men I'm attracted to.

A friend of mine suggested that when the right guy comes along he wont give a cootie catcher about my defense mechanisms, and that he'll want me regardless. Well maybe that's true, but in the mean time I'd like to improve myself, and not just with guys.

I'm going to take my usual route, and that is to focus on the positive. I will be so kind that there isn't room for the Old Laura. I will pray for help. I will share every genuine compliment that pops into my head.

But really though, any other advice? Suggestions to help myself help myself? I want to vanquish the Old Laura, once and for all.

Just do it.

I just went on a run and it was like a Nike commercial. For real.

Storm in the distance. Bohemian Rhasphody, the part that says, "thunder bolts and lightening!" right when the real life lightening was striking!

Blossoms and small rain drops floated through the air. The smell of honeysuckle was all around. 

I saw two house cats- good omen! 

A cute guy smiled at me...and did not attack me! 

I ran real far, and at a good pace! 

Sunset! Endorphins! 

And then a stupid dog was in the middle of the road and I pulled over and tried to get it but it ran away. I pulled over 8 times and it ran away every time! There were three other cars trying to rescue this idiot dog! I mean it was running right down the middle of the road up Harrison, just past canyon road, at dusk! DOGS ARE THE WORST!

SERIOUS WORD VOMIT.

Here's something I'm working on

This is how I feel about life. I know where it will end and how it will end, but  the suspense of the journey is killing me!

I'm trying not to let my affections for men marionette my behavior, feelings, actions, or thoughts. For example, right now I have romantic feelings for two different guys and I use them as emotional hockey goals. If the one, let's call him Angelina, is giving me attention I am in heaven. I forget the other, let's call him Brad, and only have eyes for Angelina.

The way i spend my time and  energy shouldn't be based on my inner brain made up relationships with me

But then I see Angelina giving some other girl affection. Angelina doesn't fawn over me alone, or he doesn't talk to me in constant and timely bouts- time for Brad. Switch and repeat. Then give it a few months and find a new Brangelina.

Something else I've realized, I need to let go of the old and embrace the new

 I don't even know what the deal is. I mean is it a crime? Is it a crime to look at Lang?! Okay, now I'm falling apart and tossing out I Heart Huckabees quotes. I'm sorry guys, I guess this is just how my brain feels. You get a taste, a zombie bite of my cerebral cortex or something...this is my brain ALL THE TIME (and especially this year).

I just always have a million things in there punching it out. Questions about my faith and God. Questions about men and people in general.

For example, I have general confusion about my friendships with men. I have a lot of them right now and I'm always faced with anxiety about my status with some of them. I don't feel that way about them, do they feel that way about me? I DO feel that way about them, what do they think of me? Am I texting too much? Am I revealing my feelings for them too much? What does that mean? Blah blah blah. Who gives a hot damn?

"Nice to meet you,. Wanna see my Pinterest wedding ideas board?..Oh no reason, I just wanna know what you think of some of my pins..."

Remember my last post? I'm Catwoman and you have no right to my inner workings and I do what I want? Say what, holda holda holda hold-up. I guess I changed my mind, welcome to the inner workings. Welcome to me not doing what I want.

Every time I communicate with someone I'm assimilating and making connections, but is this necessarily a bad thing? Yes and no. Yes, because I'm creating something that I'm not sure I am and people are attaching themselves to that creation. No, because we're human and it's a built in survival mechanism and there's nothing wrong with trying to make connections with the people we interact with.

It doesn't matter what you achieve in this life, if you don't share it with people.

It always goes back to my search for balance I suppose. I have to balance my innate desire to make connections with people and my need to be myself. I have to balance the belief that EVERY friendship, no matter how shallow or short, matters, with a need to weed out negativity in my life. I have to balance my needs for sleep, personal progression and achievement with the desire to make human connections. Do I go to Denny's and stay up talking to a friend in need, or do I eat dinner at home and go to sleep? The gym or church service?

In the words of The Great Lake Swimmers:

I'm just pulling on a line, on a line, I'm just pulling on a line

I'm just pulling on a line, on a line, and sometimes it pulls on me

The line, it inks across the freshly fallen snow,

Where only those embracing coldness would go

It whistles and it whispers, and sometimes it howls,

It sings to me sweetly from the trees and in vowels

I have too much to say and I lack the talent to organize it properly. One time a friend of mine said she liked my posts because they were all over the place and it felt like talking to me in real life. That's my goal I suppose, to share my inner thoughts mostly untamed. To let people know someone else is thinking what they're thinking. To let a few people out there know that we're all kinda messed up, confused, awkward, and just trying to figure out what happens in a meadow at dusk...or in other words, life.

I am Catwoman.

First things first. I love cats, check. I like wearing black (probably because I am a heathen who worships sin, and I am goth), check. I want to make out with Batman, check. I hate dogs, check. I bet I could rock a whip if I tried. Now, onto the post.

Growing up in California, I didn't have a lot of Mormon friends outside of church. Actually, I didn't ever feel like I had a lot of Mormon friends in church. I remember them teasing me and making fun of my favorite dress. They thought I was weird. Everyone always thought I was weird, and they still do. I guess in that regard I feel like Superman, never fitting it.

One time my sister said, "You like being called weird! You call yourself weird because you want attention." But that's the thing, I didn't wake up one day when I was 5 and decide to call myself weird. People used that word as a weapon and I suppose at a certain point I internalized things. Or maybe I took something that was used to hurt me, and tried to turn it into a badge of honor. I think people do that a lot. But I can tell you one thing, this wasn't my perception of what I thought people thought of me, from a very early age people have said out loud, to my face as compliments or daggers, that I am weird.

The weird label has been there for so long I can only accept it, for good or bad, as a part of my identity, but this post isn't really about my being weird. In California amongst my friends I was the goody goody. I didn't start swearing until the 6th grade. I still remember my friends teasing me because I wouldn't swear and then finally I have in one day and swore, and they clapped for me. From there it was downhill in Mormon surface sin world. Every other word that came out of my mouth at school was the F-bomb or the B-word. But still, I didn't try any drugs. I didn't make-out or have sex. I didn't shoplift, watch porn, or drink like my friends- regardless of the things that came out of my mouth I was a goody goody at heart, and the people there could see it.



When I moved to Utah the Catwoman in me started to develop. I don't know if this is related but the one and only cat I've ever had ran away and died the day I moved to Utah...



In Utah I was the anti-Christ. I swore and constantly told dirty jokes, behavior which now seems to be the crest of most of my siblings. In California this was what I did to fit in and here all it did was put up giant walls around me. One time this kid, Quinn, said to me in response to a dirty joke, "Laura, do you even have a religion?" Around this time I also had a seminary teacher who hated me because I asked questions that were a little too devils advocate in institute. He used to tell us that most of us wouldn't go to the Celestial Kingdom, and that we'd be scrubbing his toilets while he sat up there behind the pearly gates...talk about spiritual confusion.

That hit me really hard. I had a bad-influence friend and talked to random boys on the phone. I told dirty jokes and swore...I guess I was a real heathen. But here's the thing. I still didn't do drugs, make-out, have sex, shop lift, watch porn, or drink. Anyway, back to the religion-less Laura. I knew I had to change, I was on a bad path...? I realized that the way people perceived my spirituality mattered...? Wait, what the?! Anyway, fast forward to the future (over the hell that was Freshman-Junior years of high school) and I was teased for being a Molly Mormon. I guess you can't please everyone. Even now, in the midst of being viewed as a heathen by many, I'm viewed as the too perfect alien Superman by others.

Senior year, I finally made a friend and she was a real goody-goody. I had never been friends with someone so perfect, but I had a friend and boy did I love her. I remember once she told me her parents thought I was a bad influence. I was going to church and seminary. I devoted time to my scriptures daily, sometimes for an hour or more. I was reading all of the Work and the Glory books for fun. I didn't swear, drink, smoke, have sex, party...but still, something about me. I was a bad influence.



Enter college. The first time I felt like people really appreciated my weirdness. No longer was weird a dagger. People seemed to like me, even if it was sometimes just as the entertainment. But again, I was the bad one in the group. No one told me I was bad, but they did say, "Laura! You can't say that!" "Laura, don't do that!" Everything I did was inappropriate and I was always at battle with myself. The battle between "being myself" and behaving how everyone else thought I should. I love my college friends dearly, but lets be honest, I was the bad seed of the group.

Ogden. Here we go again. I was the love child of the devil and Lady Gaga. I mind as well have been Barack Obama to these people. Everything I said and did was a sin, and they let me know it. I was "bad" because I love Mean Girls and spandex. As I've aged over the years I really feel like I've settled into myself, kinda like every other late 20's person out there. By then, not so suddenly, one day my daughter of Gaga heathen ways became too much and I was let go. I was told that I said things that made my friends uncomfortable, but they felt they couldn't tell me because they thought I would laugh at them. I was told I was headed down a bad path. Thank you for thinking so highly of me, friends. P.S. I routinely have nightmares about you.

Is it all I my head...nope. Here it was, being told to my face...well, over the phone. You're weird. You're bad. You're a villain.

Why am I Catwoman? Because maybe I've done some light cat-burglary. I swear, I watch R-movies sometimes, I tell pervy jokes, ask the wrong questions and make the wrong comments in church. She also loves spandex and has a lot of va va voom. Hello! I like rock and roll, fake cigarettes, and I secretly wish I could be a rockabilly sex bomb sometimes.



But here's the thing about Catwoman. She was always viewed as a villain, but she was really was good at heart. She was a villain who never had to see the bishop. She had secrets, but I have none. I'm tired of being viewed as a villain when I'm not one. I might view things differently than you. I might disagree with you. I might do some light burglary, but I am behaving in a way that I think God wants me to behave, and I'm tired of people thinking they have any right to participate in my personal relationship with God.

Sometimes I feel hopeless. Hopeless to think I'll find people who love me the way I am and not as the entertainment, or as the reminder that they're more righteous than someone else. I'm lucky, I have a few people in my life that love me as I am, and this post was certainly not directed at them. I might feel hopeless sometimes, but I am not without hope. I know God and His Son love me and that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is my path to happiness. I am happy now, and I know one day things will work out, whatever that means.

Random Musings

Well, first things first, I'm in Southern Utah. This last week has been my Spring Break and as it comes to a close I can't help but reflect on some of the interesting thoughts I've had. Be warned, this is a very anticlimactic blog post.

I guess that's something to talk about. Why am I talking about thoughts, and not experiences. For months I've been looking forward to spring break. I had big plans. Hiking, camping, rock climbing, and helping my grandma finish typing and editing her personal history. Instead I mostly slept and watched TV. Meh.

I have not been taking proper care of myself. I haven't been getting enough sleep, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating properly and where has it landed me? Being sick for two weeks! It's like a coma! I'm awake but I can't do the things I want to do. But as always, trial can provide lessons and I'd say this comparably brief and annoying illness has provided some very important ones in regard my treatment of life, my health, and myself.

 

 

Being sick has reminded me of why I finally got on track and lost all of the weight (and more importantly increased my over all well being and health). I don't ever want to be held back from anything in life because of my health, so far as I can control anyway. At the beginning of my journey my thoughts were turned to things like hiking and skydiving. Because of my weight I was held back from both and I was tired of it. I love hiking! I wanted to do as I damn we'll pleased, and that included hiking and one day, sky diving!

There were a lot of other things I wanted to do, and then the dangerous part set in. I accomplished some of those goals and I think I started to feel a little too accomplished a little too soon. Somewhere in my mind I felt like, I'm a pretty good hiker and I can technically I skydive now, so I'm done...? Wrong.

This week has reminded me that there are a lot more things I want to do and be in all truth, I cannot do and be them as I am now. I want to be fully converted to living healthy and while I think that includes times of less than healthy living, I don't want any of those much needed mental and physical rests to turn into unhealthy life styles. I don't want to wake up suddenly back to my prior weight, like a frog slowly boiled to death (if you're a Mormon or ever were you should most definitely understand that reference).

So these last two weeks have sucked in that I've spent a lot of time in bed would I would have rather been at work or out in the desert streaking, but like I said I've gleaned the lesson and I'm ready to move on. And finally, FINALLY I woke up feeling better!

Okay, next...dreams! I've had some very interesting dreams this week. Maybe it was all of the physically lazy, mentally active introspection...or maybe it was the NyQuil, but I've had a few memorable dreams this week. Okay, one night I watched Russia's Toughest Prisons and woke up horrified I was going to be eaten by a Russian cannibal, and that was pretty interesting, but my other dreams not only offered interest, but also lessons.

This is him, the Russian cannibal!

In one dream the world was ending and everything was consumed in lava! I can still remember a lot of interesting details, but I don't feel I should elaborate online. It certainly got interesting though, including some interesting post apocalyptic resurrection stuff. I do not feel this was a dream telling me how the world would end, especially considering that as my grandma pointed out, that sort of Earth cleansing is more of a post millennium thing, but rather the dream left me with a feeling of comfort regarding some other concerns I have. Interesting and educational- GOOD DREAM.

Dream par deux, I had a funny dream that was surely a product of sub-conscience gumbo, in which I married this guy I know and I was scared that he would be the mission president in this certain country I have no interest in residing at. Silly, but interesting. I woke up thinking about it as if it were an actual and viable reality that I had to consider and in the end I knew I would go anywhere The Lord would have me go...especially if it was with this particular dream boat of a dream spouse. Holy sweet space beans, he is my Adonis! Anyway.

Oh! One night this week I dreamt that this guy in my singles ward, Neil, put on a huge musical in the gym. There was a giant spinning 10-person piano, a lot of costumed special needs cast members, and he was wearing a sort of Peter Pan/Adam and Eve costume...but goodness, he could sing!

Not the right costume, but too entertaining to pass up

Last dream. In real life I was staying at my surrogate family's house for the night, ironically in my old HS crush's bedroom. A love poem I wrote him when I was 16 was by the bed and I couldn't help but think about what it would have meant to me 10 years ago...and then I promptly fell asleep because it doesn't mean much of anything to me now, haha. Anyway...I dreamt that I was staying in their house, but everything was Victorian and Edwardian. I looooooooove Victorian and Edwardian style! It was a strange and disconnected dream, but it was a beautiful dream. I had the most glorious hair, my goal hair! My hair was growing in the garden as I lay amongst the roses. It was long and curly like Helena Bonham Carter circa A Room with a View, glory be! And I had the most glorious, albeit cumbersome, dress on! At one point I was in a grocery store with Alex and Shelly with this young folk singer, and we were singing early Dylan. It all makes sense. Above Alex's bed is a picture of an old Paradise Lost, illustrated by Gustave Dore (actually I have a first edition copy of it at home), and Paradise Lost always makes me feel Victorian/Edwardian or ornamental and old fashioned. In the corner is an electric guitar- add in our love for Dylan and you've got us singing Dylan while Alex plays that particular guitar in a grocery store...yesterday I got a hair cut, a sad chore for me because I feel like my hair will never be my goal length. I put rose lotion at night...see, more sub-conscience gumbo.

Okay, let's see...well, there is one more thing I can sort of talk about. Recently I've realized there was something I'm missing in my life and I couldn't figure it out. It bothered me and dragged me down, but it was a mystery. Luckily I figured out, with the help of some friends, some art, some outdoors, and some religion, what it was that I feel I am missing. Though I see no quick end in sight, knowing what the problem is helps me stay afloat. I feel like its a good thing to be missing, for the time being, because when it comes back I better sure as Helsinki appreciate it. Wait...I've just realized this sound weird...like I'm missing something personal or physical....like my period! I'm not...it's just something personal in a this blog is public sort of way...ehhh, that didn't help...whatever...stoic....ohhhhh....insert ominous sound affects here....

Insert random picture here. Actually this is a sort of preview of a post to come.

Well, that's life. Okay, not at all. That's nonsensical bits and pieces of my brain....here are some currents:

Reads- Superman: Red Son, Born to Run, Beautiful Creatures, book 2

Music- I've become a Fleet Foxes whore. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club have a new CD, Purity Ring, My December NonBiz mix on Spotify, oh, my Mogwai mix for sure!



Projects at school- Portraits and still life's, Ocean Week (I'm going to catch fish and let the kids use them as stamps! I'm also decorating my classroom like the ocean), portfolios, and more!

Looking forward to- Some of my best college friends visiting me! Camp this Summer! My birthday party and Arrested Development on Netflix, trying to squeeze in a few more shows before Camp

Dreading- Anything having to do with my Masters

Goals- Exercise, healthy eating, sleep by 10:30 on weekdays, finish the damn curriculum project that's been the bane of my existence for too long!



Posts I should post in the future...

The multiverse and the Atonement. The Hobbit and the Gospel. Swearing. Looking past the temple and seeing the hair (obviously I would explain what that even means). Things that inspire my creativity. Super heroes and villains.

Peace!

Say Anything

Why is it when I might actually have something to say, I say nothing at all? And then when I have nothing to say, I can't stop blogging?

I have a post in my head, but I'm having a hard time getting it out of my fingers.

Mormon Drunk

Ugggh, this morning I woke up with a Mormon Drunk hangover. I even had all of those drunk behavior shame feelings.

Hangover [hang-oh-ver]: The disagreeable physical aftereffects of drunkenness, such as a headache or stomach disorder, usually felt several hours after cessation of drinking and lasting for a short period of time. - Synonyms: queasiness, sickishness, nausea

The Other Hangover [the uhth-er hang-oh-ver]: The regrettable social aftereffects of over consumption, such as embarrassment, shame, or guilt. While it usually goes unnoticed until the next morning, the consequences can last a lifetime. - Synonyms: embarrassment, regret, guilt, humiliation (I found this funny site, it's funny. Images and the previous definitions are from this link).

Okay...I've never consumed alcohol, drugs, or even energy drinks, in my entire life. So when I get drunk I get Mormon Drunk. And I get Mormon Drunk ALL THE TIME.

Mormons Drunk [more-mon drun-kk]: Intoxicated with sugar, sleep deprivation, air loss due to laughter, party-high, etc. to the point of impairment of physical and mental faculties.

 

The causes of drunkenness may be different, but the hangover very often is the same (I guess I just have to assume on this one).

Sugar- This one is obvious. Eat a ton of sugar at night, and/or throughout the day, wake up the next morning with these possible symptoms: headache, nausea, regret, guilt, feeling like a truck hit you, aches, and dehydration. Thank you, Valentine's Day. Thank you my whole life.

Sleep deprivation- This is something I'm really struggling with this year. For the first time I'm working full-time and I'm finding it hard to fit everything into each day without making cuts into my beauty rest. I usually get into bed early enough, but then I want to read, or most often, get sucked into something on the internet (just google FOMO).

Laura-Ultra-Mega time.

Air loss due to laughter- You try taking a road trip past Virgin, Fillmore, and Beaver with some perv-tard friends and tell me you don't get a little light-headed from laughter. This one is actually more of a high, either way, it leads to excess levels of awkwardness from me.

Party high- I love having parties. Whenever there's a party at my house I get into this party mode and I get a little crazier than usual. It's like Laura-Ultra-Mega time. Take all of my regular qualities and now amplify them! BAM!

And now, the The Other Hangover. Remember, the regrettable social aftereffects of over consumption, such as embarrassment, shame, or guilt? While it usually goes unnoticed until the next morning, the consequences can last a lifetime. - Synonyms: embarrassment, regret, guilt, humiliation.

I'm defo the awkward drunk.

Last night we had a party and per usual when there's a party at my house I combined many of my Mormon vices and got Mormon wasted. There was some MASSIVE sugar intake (near to sugar alcohol poisoning I'd say), sleep deprivation, air loss due to laughter, and party-high involved. Uh-Oh.

Okay, so it's not like I groped anyone excessively, kissed any girls, or really revealed anything life-changing or regrettable, but I definitely experienced some of the regret that can come from drunken revelries.

Last night I promised I wouldn't say anything awkward about some guy situations...FAIL. I had about 5 I shouldn't have said that situations. There might have been a few TMIs too.

One day my awkward Momon Drunkeness might lead me to an awkward Mormon date, and then an awkward Mormon family. Dream big, Laura.

The point? That was the point, this was purely informational. Now you can know what I mean when I say I'm Mormon Drunk. And so to heal my feelings of regret and shame I will write a talk for church tomorrow.

Soundtrack: Purity Ring (I just realized that's a little bit ironic)