These days I seem to think a lot About the things that I forgot to do And all the times I had the chance to.

I had one of those days, and being the lazy sod that I am, I'm going to put it in list form. 

1. I had a nightmare that my niece was eaten whole by a crocodile. I grabbed that mother beast and pried it's mouth open, only to find Lucy's torn and destroyed corpse inside. Obviously it was upsetting. If it was a complete stranger I'd be upset, but my favorite baby girl niece in the universe? Yeah, I was upset. From the start I felt icky. I couldn't help but think of the Ben Folds song, Trusted:

"The sun's coming up

She's pulled all the blankets over

Curled in a ball

Like she's hiding from me and

That's when I know

She's gonna be pissed when she wakes up

For terrible things I did to her in her dreams"

I tried to shake the feeling. I read this amazing talk.

I listened to music that always cheers me up. 

The grey cloud looming above my head didn't really go away...it just sort of changed into a heavy weight on my heart...

...and a fear growing in my brain like a tumor.

I'm not a baby, I'm a tumor!

 2. Work was actually pretty nice and I got to chat with Kelsie :) This made me feel A LOT better. She helped me talk through my irrational fears, and brought a calm to my heart. I guess she is good at connecting me with an eternal perspective because we used to be bunk-mates in the pre-existence.

This was my favorite "bunk-mates" picture.

3. I came home from work and the migraine that started yesterday after a bad nap and too many shouting people came back. I was planning on doing some weight training or tennis, but I ended up laying on the couch and watching an amazing episode of Star Trek.

4. My friend came over and helped me with my car. Good ole' Holden helped me fix my cigarette lighter, so I can charge things in my car, and he checked all of my fuses! After he left I cleaned out my trunk and finally fixed my broken seat belt! So that felt nice.

5. CRAZY GIRL EMOTION TIME. WHY DOES JUNO GET A BABY? BABY TIMER! DOES HE LIKE ME MORE THAN AS A FRIEND? DOES HE LIKE MY FRIEND AS MORE THAN A FRIEND? AM I ANNOYING HIM? CRAZY. CRAZY. CRAZY.

What's next? Insert romantic French movie, as if that's going to help.

6. Watch Heartbreaker. By the way, I really liked it. It's not rated, and it's French, but I have to say, it was pretty clean considering. I liked it, but...

7. CRAZY. CRAZY. CRAZY. Listen to mellow songs like Fake Plastic Trees over and over again.

8. Stay up too late writing a blog about nothing. And here we are.

Things I believe.

I believe that one day there wont be "religion" as we know it. There will be God and His law, and we will all know it is what it is and we wont have to worry about disagreeing about it. It wont be one united religion, it will be what it is. Truth, Zion, reality.

I believe neon orange was never meant to exist for anything other than traffic cones, and certainly not for clothing.

I believe everything will work out how it should and worrying is a waste of time. That being said, I still worry all the time.

I believe I'll get married and have babies one day. If I can't have the babies, I will adopt an array of them from around the world like Brangelina.

I believe you always get what you're looking for.

I believe wherever you are should be home, and only you can make it that way.

"It isn't enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn't enough to believe in it. One must work at it." Eleanor Roosevelt

I believe the more you put into anything, the more you get out, good or bad.

I believe the band Heart have the two most bad-a female performers ever.

I believe in loving people, no matter their lifestyles, sins, looks, or lack of social tact. That being said, I am still working on it, and I reserve the right to dislike someone because they love the color orange, Nickelback, Ke$ha, Christian rock, killing things, Jeffery Koons, Georgia O'Keeffe, or Moulin Rouge.

I believe that last statement was ridiculous.

"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart. " Anne Frank

I believe in a one true God for our world, but in many for endless others.

I believe that you can find a connection with anyone and be there friend, even if you have to ignore other things about them.

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else." C. S. Lewis

I believe life is about choosing and you have to choose things, many things I'm sure, but choose you must.

I believe I could watch Star Wars episodes 4-6 one thousand times.

I believe watching episodes 1-3 of Star Wars more than 3 times might kill me.

I believe there's good in too many things to not be insatiably happy most of the time.

"I believe soda will kill you, and I don't think you should have it more than once a week.
I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." Audrey Hepburn 

I believe vegetables are God's food, and once you know how to use them- they're heavenly.

I believe big poofy hair can be amazing, see Helena Bonham Carter in almost anything, but especially in A Room with a View.

I believe in body hair, more for men, less for women- but in existence for both.

I believe in watching movies at least twice 90 percent of the time.

I believe in watching old sci-fi tv and movies.

"We are what we believe we are." C. S. Lewis
 
I believe in the 90's.

I believe in my family's capacity to be together for eternity, no matter what they've done or been through.

I believe I'll see my dad again, and I'll hug him, and he'll be taller than me, and his skin will smell like heaven, not coca cola, and he'll give me 5 with his right hand, and it will be amazing!

I believe that my future husband's family will join my family in the dancing/being ridiculous portion of the reception (unlike most of my family weddings where they stare and make fun of our dancing).

I believe my beautiful friends will be beautifully happy and have beautiful lives.

I believe in vitamins.

I believe in reading, music, driving, art, dance, and marshmallows as therapy.

I believe in the Old Testament, New Testament, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price.

I believe that God loves it when we create (pies, paintings, songs, dances, families, scrapbooks, gardens, etc.) because we're practicing to create bigger and better things in the next life.

I believe that free food taste better than food you have to pay for.

I believe you should eat as healthy as possible, but eat some stinkin' candy and pizza sometimes.

I believe that the prettiest women I've ever seen were Asian, and in the airport with geeky white men.

I believe in mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual knowledge.

Also, I believe Gouda and french bread on a train in Paris, followed by shouting, "LACTOSE INTOLERANCE!" can bring the saddest person joy.

I believe in a lot of things, some less important, some more.

Kirk out.

Dear guys.

This post was inspired by Kaylee, who was inspired by someone, who was inspired by someone. I'll start from the beginning.

Dear 1st Grade Boy,

It sucks that you liked me all year, but you didn't tell me until the day I moved. It also sucks that I threw away those DZ tickets you gave me as a token of your affection, I'd love to have that evidence that a guy liked me tucked away.

Dear Aaron V.,

You were a stoner-douche bag, but I liked you from kindergarten until I moved to Utah in the 8th grade. I still think you are cute, well I don't know what you look like these days, but in my mind you're still cute.

Dear Chris,

I'm sorry I made you eat worms in front of everyone, it's because I liked you.

Dear Brian,

I'm sorry I pushed you down the slide into the hot lava during hot lava monster, it's because I liked you. It's cool that we're friends now. I remember once we got in a debate about if Jesus was born in the spring or the winter. I won because the recess monitor said there wasn't snow in any of the pictures of Jesus, take that.

Dear Daniel U.,

You were Aaron V.'s friend, you were also a stoner-douche bag, but I liked you in the 7th grade. I liked your South Park boxers and your big eyes. You made me cry several times because you were so mean to me, but hey, last I heard you were in prison.

Dear Alex,

I liked you as soon as I moved to Utah. WOW. I love that we're friends and we can laugh about love poems I wrote about you when I was 16. I'm glad we're friends, and that's all we'll ever be. My future husband will probably be jealous of all the journal time I gave you in High School. I love how tall you are, like a "redwood standing above the rest." It pisses me off when you patronize me. I love your family.

Dear Bobblehead,

It's kind of crazy...all of it. I'm sorry I was a crazy crazy person, I was 18 and very naive. It sucks that my crush on you haunted me for my entire undergraduate career. It sucks that people associated me with you for years and even 3 years after we hung out people would say, "Hey, how's he doing?" And I would say, "I have no idea." For a while I wanted to hear anything about you, just to hear about you. Then I didn't want to hear anything. Then I wanted to hear crap about you. Now, well, I don't think about you enough to care what I hear or don't hear about you. So good luck with life and that amazing hair. Even if I sort of think you're a douche bag, you still had good hair.

Dear All the boys I liked in St. George,

I don't remember any of you, not really.

Dear All the guys I've liked in Ogden,

Honestly, I've been trying to replace my father with a new male influence in my life. When my friends are dating and I can fill that male void with their boyfriends, I don't need you. I know it's not healthy. You are all sweet boys, and it will work out with someone sometime for you. I'm glad I don't get to kiss everyone I ever want to kiss, I'd be a slut. Uhhhh, non of you had very good hair. Wait, hot Juan- good job on the hair. Han- best hair!

Dear Current guy,

I like you because you're interesting. I like that you have A LOT of personality. I like you style and your face. You make me laugh and you intrigue me because you're not obsessed with sports. I like that you like a lot of the same things. You should text me. You should ask me out. You give me cocaine brain and date stomach (see glossary). I worry you think I'm dumb because I've haven't been thinking clearly lately (I'm very stressed out because of work and school...and you). I think I like you for you, not just because you're a man who's nice to me. That's good.

Sincerely,

Laura

Glossary:

Cocaine brain: Studies show that the effect of the first three months of dating on the brain are the same chemically as cocaine. This is why it's crucial you date/know each other for more than three months!

Date stomach: Being love sick. You're so stressed about a romantic interest that it gives you a stomach ache. It's good, but it's bad. You don't want to eat, sleeping is difficult, your brain and tummy are mush.

Every second of the night...I live another life

I had some strange dreams last night. I guess that's what you get when you have a late dinner at the Golden Dynasty, and then talk about The Capeman right before bed.
First I dreamt that Sufjan Stevens had raped and murdered a few people, no biggie. So he was under house arrest until the trial happened. Well that happened to take a few months...and he happened to be under house arrest...in my house, with me!

So sure, he was a bit crazy, but he reformed and we fell in love. So like the Capeman, who went to prison and reformed, Sufjan changed and we loved each other. Then the dream transformed into a movie set about a folk singer and I was like, "Sufjan, it's weird that you made a bunch of electronic music (Age of Adz) for a folk singer movie"...but it didn't matter, because we were in love. I suppose a lot of that thinking came from talking about the techno takeover with Hillary. And then there was the cocaine-brain talk (the chemical effect love has on your brain for the 1st three months- make sure you date for over 3 months people!).

Dream dos. I dreamt that I was in NYC with Hillary and some friends, and we were watching a young George Harrison (my favorite Beatle) do stand-up. George was going to ask me out in front of everyone, but his manager said he couldn't because it would cause a mob with the other girls. So he was going around all the people at my table, making jokes about everyone and trying to get my number. Finally I gave Steve Martin my number to pass on to George, because naturally Steve Martin was doing stand-up there too. In the end George and I dated, and we were in love.

Moral of the story, dreams make a lot more sense while they're happening, and I can get over a lot of big flaws (like raping and killing people, or fame) if I love the guy enough. Thank you dream world.
And now for you eyeball enjoyment:

Boy, those dreams seemed a lot more appealing and wonderful when I had just woken up this morning.
Don't worry, I've got a more substantial post coming your way :)

An actual update on my life, as opposed to ramblings on repeat.

Once again I blogged about love and life, but then I figured, maybe I should blog about my life in particular...I mean, not just my thoughts, but the events in my life. Wow, that was a ridiculous sentence. So, it's been a busy summer. I took two classes, masters in education science, and a VERY basic technology class. Bleh, they were okay- nothing much to tell there.

I also helped (a VERY little bit) my mom move to Price, Utah. Let's see, what else? I liked a guy and it all seemed very dramatic and important at the time...then it fizzled out. It seems like most things in life are that way. The details seem so very important at the time, and then you realize they're not. Life is up, life is down, but life keeps going. There's too much time, and not enough, but there's always time. I went on some hikes and read some books. I hung out with friends and caught my first fish. I got two new roommates (who are amazing!) and I watched a lot of TV. I was a 6th grade teachers aide for summer school 4 days a week. I went to A Decemberists show, which was AMAZING.
And now onto the now. I've started teaching in my very own art classroom. Fifth and sixth graders. It's scary and grownup, but it's also wonderful and rewarding. I can't wait to post some pictures of their art, it blows my mind. Sometimes when I feel bogged down by the crap like planning curriculum and grading, I remind myself to play the glad game and find all the wonderful things in life.

Wonderful things:
-Listening to good music while the kids create
-Kids who draw themselves as zombies with one eye dangling out of their face
-Kids who say they love me
-Kids who say they love CCR and Journey
-Kids who know more about art than me
-Kids who know about medieval battle tactics and old airplanes
-Kids who say, "THAT'S MY JAM!" in reference to a Cascade song
-Being able to display Muffin Cat in my classroom
-Having a classroom

So life has been stressful and horrifying, but it's also been wonderful. Let's see, what else? Oh, I'm somewhat taking the semester off and I'm only taking one class- social studies. It's gonna be a breeze, and I could use a breeze! I'm burnt out. I'm going to focus on my job, substitute teach, practice the guitar, make my own art, read, run, life weights, hike, and watch the rest of Twin Peaks. I can't wait for some rain and cold weather. I can't wait to wear tights everyday. Oh! I'm going to the temple soon to take out my endowments! So that's super exciting.
Other than that, I'm still the compassionate service person in my ward (yay cupcake brigade and SAOSFHW!), I'm still attending Weber State, I still love my friends and family, I still love cats and bees, I'm still Laura.

All you *want* is love.

I love this scene in Across the Universe. I love that whole movie. I love the music. I love the cinematography, lighting, color schemes, sound editing, acting, story, drugged up scenes, boob slip, all of it. This scene however, is my favorite. I LOVE this song. I love the idea of a man feeling this way about me. I love the idea of being loved like that.

But then I worry, what if I'm like Henry Crawford from Mansfield Park, and I'm more interested in being loved than I am in loving someone. Like those girls who are more interested in being married, than they are in the particular man. WAH!!! But then I have a night like tonight. A night where I'm super pensive and calm, but not with the sad bits. Happy pensive. Thoughts bounce around in my head and leave me feeling that all is right in the world and ever will be. Thoughts that tell me I don't have to settle for a sports obsessed Mack daddy who doesn't know anything about science, good music, or art. Thoughts that reassure me that I'm just as excited about giving love as I am about receiving it- after all, the greatest joy in life comes in serving others.

Sure I care about the reception, I admit, I've already planned out how to incorporate Star Wars in the floral arrangements. But that's all phooey. I want a man who feels the way Jude felt in Across the Universe when he met Lucy. I want a man who feels the way Paul McCartney felt when he wrote the song. And on the flip side I want to hear, "I just died in your arms tonight," when I meet him (P.s. If I hear a Minnie Ripperton song in my head when I think about "him" it's just as good as "I just died in your arms tonight."). I know some love starts without a fizzle, but I don't think you should marry someone who doesn't eventually make your heart fizzle. I'm not talking about love at first sight, I'm just talking about love at *sometime before the engagement* sight. They should be piss drunk in love with you, and you with them. No one should have to talk the someone into loving them. He should think I crap sunshine and spit glitter. I know I've posted similar things to this in the past, but I just can't help but think it, and think it, and think it.

So that's it. Don't settle, but don't be close minded. You never know who could make your heart pop some corn (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTZVvFn6rmo). Life is beautiful, the good and the bad. The heartaches help you appreciate the love more, and the waiting and searching is worth it. I'll just be a "good girl" and it will happen at the right time, in the right place, and with the right someone.
That's all. This last video is one of my others favorite songs from Across the Universe, enjoy.

I miss blogging.

My life has been brain soup.

I think of so many blogs all the time. I write them in my head but when I finally find the time to write them down on blogger, I've forgotten them. I will blog more, I promise. It's been busy. I taught my first 2 days of school. I start my social studies class this Thursday. I have a cold. I have had waaaay to much time to think. I need to set some goals.

This painting is called "Choosing Everything" and it's by Brian Kershisnik. I feel like this, like everything feels full up...but the thing is, it's not really.