Dear guys.

This post was inspired by Kaylee, who was inspired by someone, who was inspired by someone. I'll start from the beginning.

Dear 1st Grade Boy,

It sucks that you liked me all year, but you didn't tell me until the day I moved. It also sucks that I threw away those DZ tickets you gave me as a token of your affection, I'd love to have that evidence that a guy liked me tucked away.

Dear Aaron V.,

You were a stoner-douche bag, but I liked you from kindergarten until I moved to Utah in the 8th grade. I still think you are cute, well I don't know what you look like these days, but in my mind you're still cute.

Dear Chris,

I'm sorry I made you eat worms in front of everyone, it's because I liked you.

Dear Brian,

I'm sorry I pushed you down the slide into the hot lava during hot lava monster, it's because I liked you. It's cool that we're friends now. I remember once we got in a debate about if Jesus was born in the spring or the winter. I won because the recess monitor said there wasn't snow in any of the pictures of Jesus, take that.

Dear Daniel U.,

You were Aaron V.'s friend, you were also a stoner-douche bag, but I liked you in the 7th grade. I liked your South Park boxers and your big eyes. You made me cry several times because you were so mean to me, but hey, last I heard you were in prison.

Dear Alex,

I liked you as soon as I moved to Utah. WOW. I love that we're friends and we can laugh about love poems I wrote about you when I was 16. I'm glad we're friends, and that's all we'll ever be. My future husband will probably be jealous of all the journal time I gave you in High School. I love how tall you are, like a "redwood standing above the rest." It pisses me off when you patronize me. I love your family.

Dear Bobblehead,

It's kind of crazy...all of it. I'm sorry I was a crazy crazy person, I was 18 and very naive. It sucks that my crush on you haunted me for my entire undergraduate career. It sucks that people associated me with you for years and even 3 years after we hung out people would say, "Hey, how's he doing?" And I would say, "I have no idea." For a while I wanted to hear anything about you, just to hear about you. Then I didn't want to hear anything. Then I wanted to hear crap about you. Now, well, I don't think about you enough to care what I hear or don't hear about you. So good luck with life and that amazing hair. Even if I sort of think you're a douche bag, you still had good hair.

Dear All the boys I liked in St. George,

I don't remember any of you, not really.

Dear All the guys I've liked in Ogden,

Honestly, I've been trying to replace my father with a new male influence in my life. When my friends are dating and I can fill that male void with their boyfriends, I don't need you. I know it's not healthy. You are all sweet boys, and it will work out with someone sometime for you. I'm glad I don't get to kiss everyone I ever want to kiss, I'd be a slut. Uhhhh, non of you had very good hair. Wait, hot Juan- good job on the hair. Han- best hair!

Dear Current guy,

I like you because you're interesting. I like that you have A LOT of personality. I like you style and your face. You make me laugh and you intrigue me because you're not obsessed with sports. I like that you like a lot of the same things. You should text me. You should ask me out. You give me cocaine brain and date stomach (see glossary). I worry you think I'm dumb because I've haven't been thinking clearly lately (I'm very stressed out because of work and school...and you). I think I like you for you, not just because you're a man who's nice to me. That's good.

Sincerely,

Laura

Glossary:

Cocaine brain: Studies show that the effect of the first three months of dating on the brain are the same chemically as cocaine. This is why it's crucial you date/know each other for more than three months!

Date stomach: Being love sick. You're so stressed about a romantic interest that it gives you a stomach ache. It's good, but it's bad. You don't want to eat, sleeping is difficult, your brain and tummy are mush.

All over the place...life your mom.

So first I should start by getting a few things out of the way.

I really botched up the 14 Days of Valentine's this year. What did I do, 2 or 3? But you know what- my whole year has been about loving myself and others. Since I got my calling last spring as the Compassionate Service Leader in my ward I've tried to focus on serving others- and it's made me so happy!
I mentioned healthy things for my first couple of Valentine's activities, and that's been a big focus for me the last few months. I've got a Wellness Coach (she helps me make goals and keep track of them. She also helps me talk things through and look at my victories and find ways to challenge myself) and a personal trainer. I go running 2-3 days a week...well, I'm working my way up. I started only being able to run for 1 minute intervals, with 3 minutes of walking in between, but now I can run for 11 minutes straight! It's exciting to see my progression and push myself. I always wanted to run, but for the first time in my life it's happening! My personal trainer is helping me with strength training, something I've never really done before! At first I thought it was awful, but now I see how wonderful it can be. I weight train 3 days a week. I feel myself getting strong and hey, I've lost 10 more pounds! I also like to toss in pilates, and I tried yoga- I need to make myself go back more...it's SO hard! And this week I'm trying out lap swimming!
Some of my long term goals include running some 5ks this summer, buying some nice jeans, and hiking that #%m@$! waterfall hike all the way to the top!!!
Spiritually I've been trying to improve myself too! I've been listening to LDS talks all year, but more recently I started listening to Hugh Nibley talks! Hugh Nibley is amazing and he says it like it is. Sometimes it's tough, and the truth hurts, but I just love him!
As important as it is to be physically fit, it's even more important to be spiritually fit! BUT! I think to be our best spiritually, we have to be strong physically, and in contrast to be our best physically we have to be strong spiritually! Our bodies and spirits are SO connected, it's ridiculous!
Hmm let's see...I've also purchased a guitar and I'm attempting to learn how to play. Let's just say...it's a slow process for the rhythmically and coordination-challenged.

I'm also trying to get ready to do my Masters in Education project, apply for jobs in the fall, and learn to garden and bake bread...so LIFE IS AWESOME! Did I succeed to presenting regular blogs in the last few moths, no. Is life moving along anyway, yes.

So, I meant for that to be a brief note...but I'm Laura. Originally I was going to list my turn-ons and turn-offs, basically repeating this post I did: http://lauraconsistentlyinconsistent.blogspot.com/2010/01/so-i-was-driving-through-campus-and.html SO, I got this far:

"Turn-offs:
Picky eaters. I want a man who will eat what I give him. I want a man who likes to try new food. I want a man who will eat any flavor hummus I concoct. I'm not saying he can't have a few dislikes, I don't like peppers or rye bread, but let's not get crazy.
Swearing. Okay, now here's where I get really hypocritical. I've definitely done a lot of swearing in my life. Most especially in the 7-8th grade (My mouth was dirtier than a 20 year-old latrine boiling in West Virginia). BUT! I can't help it, when I hear a man swear I cringe and think, "Ick, really?" Now I don't swear as much these days, but I slip here and there. So I guess I should be more forgiving of men who occasionally slip too. Hmm, maybe. I'll be honest though, a certain man I find very attractive said the "D" word, and maybe one or two other little ones in my presence, and I got over it. So maybe this turn-off is a secondary one. I'd prefer it if swearing wasn't a regular occurrence, but if you slip here or there, or throw in a "D" word- I'll probably forgive you. But as a general rule, swearing is stupid!
Showing off your underclothes, tramp stamp canvas, or happy trails. Don't get me wrong, one day I might want to see your manscape- but save it for the honeymoon. Now you might be thinking, "Hey baby, I'm just giving you a preview." But guess what, it's more like the when I saw the trailer for RENT. I knew I didn't want it 39 seconds in. The best preview you can give is clothing that fits. Jeans, pants, suits, shorts, onesies- bring them on! Okay...so I don't want to see your crack, lower back, or...well, anyway, I don't want to see it. But even more, I don't want to see your LDS garments. Garments are a personal and sacred thing, and there isn't a whole lot more that turns me off than seeing your personal business hanging out the back. Oh and ps, we can see your bum through them. So A. I feel uncomfortable for seeing your sacred undies, and B. I can see you bum. Lesson: Cover up! For now...bwahahaha.
Liking lame bands. If I ask you, "What kind of music do you like? Specifically, which bands?" And you answer, "Nickleback, Creed, Atreyu etc." You've just been tested, and you FAILED.
Being too beefy. I'm not saying you shouldn't work out! Do, it's wonderful for your health! I can see how it would get addicting to, weight training I mean, but take back a few notches. If you can't have your arms parallel to your torso, you've gone too far. If your arms are wider than my thighs, you've really gone too far. If you have cleavage that exceeds an Olsen twin in a push-up, you may have gone too far. If you have more than 6 visible ab muscles, you've gone too far (I count 8 here, he's gone too far. Plus, eww.)If I can't see your Adam's-apple because your neck and shoulder muscles swallowed it, you've gone too far. Let's all be healthy, but let's not be obsessed. Moderation in all things guys!"

 AND THEN...I realized it was a dumb post. How can my life be so busy and wonderful, but my mind still finds the time to obsess about men? Curse you men and your mind control! I'm not looking for someone perfect...usually I'm not even looking. But always the thinking...always the analyzing...always the wishing...and then usually the feeling pathetic about it. HA. I know just how Wolverine feels.

Life is too wonderful to clutter your mind with necessary things. For example, here are a few good things I've experienced:
The Punch Brothers live at the Egyptian Theater in Ogden, Utah. I was continually smitten by all of them.

Change of Sunday Meeting House! We now meet in the building right behind my house so I can walk to church, and we went from 9 am to 1 pm until further notice!
Working for the school district to help with evaluations. It's been great seeing all of the schools, teachers, and classrooms! Also...money is nice.
Finding two new roommates! Jernae and Charity are moving in at the beginning of June!
Coming Attraction: MY MOM VISITING ME!

Holi Festival!
Kid History 4
So life is good...and men are too...but that doesn't mean I should think about the latter all the time.

Love love love. Or more specifically, dating.

I've come to a realization lately. I need to stop complaining about the things I want. I mean, how is it logical to say, "I really want a degree...but I'm going to complain about school every step of the way?" Or, "I really want a boyfriend...men are such idiots! I can't stand them! They need to ask me out...bla bla bla."? No, it's not. A. STOP COMPLAINING (Remember audience, this blog is usually me talking about me...so I'm saying, I need to stop complaining.) And not only do I need to cut back on complaining in general, but I really need to stop complaining about things I want, or actually like!

I don't understand much about men, but I do know this- It takes two to tango, it goes both ways, and non of us are innocent. Men are idiots, but so are women. Women are scared and confused, but so are men.

B. I think I’ve discovered something about men. I mean, I don’t think I do, or ever will, understand them- but I think I’ve caught a glimpse. I’ve always thought that when a guy gives me attention, flirts with me, tells me personal things, and is comfortable- he likes me. I mean, that’s how I treat guys that I “like like.”

BRAIN BLAST! That’s also how I treat guys that I just like as friends…

I was going to say that when a guy treated me this way, I assumed it meant he liked me, but maybe the problem is that he’s too comfortable with me. Maybe I need a guy to feel nervous and a little bit uneasy around me…maybe it’s the ones who I don’t notice, because they’re too afraid to be at ease with me, who like like me…

Maybe this is how it is, they like like me- they hide; they like me- they’re my best friend. Maybe I do the same thing to men. But guess what- that’s crap!

"HAPPY SMILE. SAD FROWN."

If I like a guy I should be able to shower him with attention- I’m not talking stalker, over the top drowning here- I just mean an appropriate amount of affection. I want to date my best friend; I want to marry my best friend. I don’t want friends and a lover, I want a friend lover.

That’s my pattern though. I meet a guy. I like a guy. We become great friends. He thinks I’m amazing, “great people” (I SO relate with Queen Latifah’s character in Just Wright), he loves me, but doesn’t love me (it’s like my excess of fans, when all I really want is friends). The problem with guys friends who I want to be more than friends, is that it makes me feel like I’m in a hole, a rigid pattern, that I’ll never escape. He’ll tell me his thoughts and secrets, I’ll get close, and then one day he’ll tell me about the girl he like likes, the girl that’s not me.

So here’s the thing, this blog was initially going to be very different. It was, and now will be, about giving men a break. I think women love to blame men for all of the relationship problems in the world, and men love to blame women. But the reality is that it’s hard for everyone. Women are afraid of being shutdown and of not being asked out, dated, and loved. But men have to do the asking! And guess what, they’re definitely afraid of being shutdown, turned down, and not being loved. I used to say, “Men need to grow a pair and ask girls out!” Or, “It’s not like a lot of girls say, ‘No;’ guys just need to ask the right girls out, I wouldn’t say no.” But I’ve come to realize, girls say no to guys all of the time- and not just the creepers, girls turn down guys all the time (and most likely for the same bogus reasons guys aren’t asking more girls out).

Guys think girls want something unrealistic, perfect- Edward Cullen, and maybe some girls do- but most of us want real men. Real men who make mistakes, who aren't cold and "perfect" (but actually Edward is creepy on like 12 levels...). And women think the same thing- we think you want models with "perfect" bodies...but I have a feeling, that like us, men want real people too. Emotional, squooshy women.

I'LL TAKE AN IMPERFECT REALITY OVER A PERFECT FANTASY ANY DAY.

It worries me. When a man, or women, we fancy doesn’t return affection in the way we think they should- we immediately assume there’s something wrong with us. Just because a guy doesn’t ask me out, it doesn’t mean I’m ugly, fat, or terrible in some way. Just because a girl doesn’t bat her eyes at you, doesn’t mean you’re weak, or undesirable. Why can’t we (this definitely includes myself) just realize that he/she doesn’t know you like them, and he/she likes another he/she, but yet another he/she likes you! It’s all scrambled and confusing, but it will all work out as it should!

And girls- we do things that screw it all up too. Like constantly surrounding each other in a swarm of girls- how can any guy get in, if we don’t leave any open seats at the table for them?!

 

I guess we’ll never understand each other, we women and men. 

A dear, dear friend of mine, Emily, says of men, “Yjnhyhbbgfhgbhgtfhbgtg….what does that mean…it’s what I hear when men speak.”

My dear cousin Anne, said of the lovable brutes, “kdj;lfngj;lkgsda;lfkadj….or at least that is what men hear."

And another thing, when you ask your married friends, “How do you do it, how do you date?” They may answer, “Oh well you just have to do this…or that…” But the reality is, they were in the same position we single folk are in currently. They were worried about the same things. They were fretting over misunderstandings and whining about the lack of dates. And then one day, it changed. They met the right person, at the right time- and it worked out.

The point is- we’re all confused. Give the beasts a chance. Everything is usually misunderstanding.

Classic cars and classic guys.

       So I was driving through campus and this guy pulled in front on me. His car was AMAZing. It was some sort of classic with an awful paint job- HOT HOT HOT.

       And from the back he looked good too. I was like, “nice- a guy who isn’t driving a normal modern sedan or a beefy truck. A guy who gets that retro is hot.”

       But as we all know… things that are too good to be true hardly ever are true. He puffed a cloud of smoke out of his window and tapped his cigarette out the window.

        Okay I guess I should give a heads up about this blog- I’m talking about dreams here. Unrealistic ideals. Remember in Practical Magic when Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman’s child-characters make a spell for the perfect man- so perfect that it could never happen? It’s like that in a way.



      Considering that this is a public blog I will most certainly NOT be listing all of my impossible dream guy attributes…but here are two things I wish for.

       I wish for a man who is a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It’s not that I dislike people who are not of my faith, it’s just that to really be connected with someone I would want them to share something that is a part of everything I am. Late nights when I’m lying awake pondering the eternities, I want my husband to be a part of my pondering. I don’t want to mocked, criticized or made fun of for something that makes up my being. My faith is so important to me; shouldn’t it also be important to him? If I loved raising parakeets and that was my life, would I marry a man who completely hated parakeets? No.

          I wish for a man who looks classic. Like the guy in the classic car, I find a classic sense of style over all (including clothes, cars, and hair etc.) is EXTREMELY attractive. I wear dresses and skirts all the time, is it too much to ask for a guy who dresses like Frank Sinatra or James Dean every once in a while. I own plenty of casual clothing, and it’s often that I go through 90’s grunge phases, but I dress like an adult with personality most of the time. Personality, I guess that’s the key. My dream man wouldn’t wear a polo t shirt he got at Hollister with a pair of cargo khaki shorts every day. He would wear a slick and retro suit, a plaid shirt, a Jerry Lee Lewis t-shirt, or something he picked up from a thrift store. He might dress like Joseph-Gordon Levitt in 500 Days of Summer or Christina Bale in Newsies.

          

            
The dilemma: Notice something in common with James Dean, Frank Sinatra, Marlon Brando and Bob Dylan? They all smoke. They all drink. Not exactly Peter priesthoods. So here’s the point: WHERE ARE ALL OF THE RETRO, CLASSIC, GREASER, non-American Eagle polo shirt wearing, SINGLE LDS MEN? Are they on the east coast? Am I missing something? I can’t seem to find them. Any tips? Do I have to hang out at coffee shops? But I hate the smell of coffee and half of those guys are smoking and drinking! That is the dilemma. There appear to be no retro clad, LDS gents looking for my love. I feel like Jimmy Dean’s nemesis, about to drive off a cliff and explode. Haha, just kidding.


See now, you think I’m a snob. I’ve liked all sorts of guys. Tall, short, fat, skinny, brown hair, red hair, blonde hair, black hair, tan, pale, polo shirts, t-shirts…I’m not too picky, but hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?

 
I can dream of a Benecio DEL Toro in Excess Baggage, driving a classic car and wearing James Dean jackets with big hair combed back and falling in his face…minus being a car thief.