Say Anything

Why is it when I might actually have something to say, I say nothing at all? And then when I have nothing to say, I can't stop blogging?

I have a post in my head, but I'm having a hard time getting it out of my fingers.

Mormon Drunk

Ugggh, this morning I woke up with a Mormon Drunk hangover. I even had all of those drunk behavior shame feelings.

Hangover [hang-oh-ver]: The disagreeable physical aftereffects of drunkenness, such as a headache or stomach disorder, usually felt several hours after cessation of drinking and lasting for a short period of time. - Synonyms: queasiness, sickishness, nausea

The Other Hangover [the uhth-er hang-oh-ver]: The regrettable social aftereffects of over consumption, such as embarrassment, shame, or guilt. While it usually goes unnoticed until the next morning, the consequences can last a lifetime. - Synonyms: embarrassment, regret, guilt, humiliation (I found this funny site, it's funny. Images and the previous definitions are from this link).

Okay...I've never consumed alcohol, drugs, or even energy drinks, in my entire life. So when I get drunk I get Mormon Drunk. And I get Mormon Drunk ALL THE TIME.

Mormons Drunk [more-mon drun-kk]: Intoxicated with sugar, sleep deprivation, air loss due to laughter, party-high, etc. to the point of impairment of physical and mental faculties.

 

The causes of drunkenness may be different, but the hangover very often is the same (I guess I just have to assume on this one).

Sugar- This one is obvious. Eat a ton of sugar at night, and/or throughout the day, wake up the next morning with these possible symptoms: headache, nausea, regret, guilt, feeling like a truck hit you, aches, and dehydration. Thank you, Valentine's Day. Thank you my whole life.

Sleep deprivation- This is something I'm really struggling with this year. For the first time I'm working full-time and I'm finding it hard to fit everything into each day without making cuts into my beauty rest. I usually get into bed early enough, but then I want to read, or most often, get sucked into something on the internet (just google FOMO).

Laura-Ultra-Mega time.

Air loss due to laughter- You try taking a road trip past Virgin, Fillmore, and Beaver with some perv-tard friends and tell me you don't get a little light-headed from laughter. This one is actually more of a high, either way, it leads to excess levels of awkwardness from me.

Party high- I love having parties. Whenever there's a party at my house I get into this party mode and I get a little crazier than usual. It's like Laura-Ultra-Mega time. Take all of my regular qualities and now amplify them! BAM!

And now, the The Other Hangover. Remember, the regrettable social aftereffects of over consumption, such as embarrassment, shame, or guilt? While it usually goes unnoticed until the next morning, the consequences can last a lifetime. - Synonyms: embarrassment, regret, guilt, humiliation.

I'm defo the awkward drunk.

Last night we had a party and per usual when there's a party at my house I combined many of my Mormon vices and got Mormon wasted. There was some MASSIVE sugar intake (near to sugar alcohol poisoning I'd say), sleep deprivation, air loss due to laughter, and party-high involved. Uh-Oh.

Okay, so it's not like I groped anyone excessively, kissed any girls, or really revealed anything life-changing or regrettable, but I definitely experienced some of the regret that can come from drunken revelries.

Last night I promised I wouldn't say anything awkward about some guy situations...FAIL. I had about 5 I shouldn't have said that situations. There might have been a few TMIs too.

One day my awkward Momon Drunkeness might lead me to an awkward Mormon date, and then an awkward Mormon family. Dream big, Laura.

The point? That was the point, this was purely informational. Now you can know what I mean when I say I'm Mormon Drunk. And so to heal my feelings of regret and shame I will write a talk for church tomorrow.

Soundtrack: Purity Ring (I just realized that's a little bit ironic)

Mostly complaining, a lot of confusion. TIPS?

"Many tips. English tips?"

Convenience friends. Hmmmp. Okay, I don't mean like school or work friends that you're friends with when they're around, and that's okay because they're not friend friends, they're work friends. I mean people who want to be friends via social media, have the ability and potential to be friends in real life (face to face), but don't seem to want to make any effort beyond that.

I have a lot of college friends who do not live near me. We interact mostly on FB, and with a few of the closer ones, via text, snail mail, email, or phone calls, etc. Then there are the friends who I used to be real life friends with once upon a time, but now we don't have the potential or ability to be real life friends because of distance. I miss these people, and I will take any sort of interaction with them that I can get.

What I don't need is someone who lives 10 minutes away and doesn't really have an excuse not to be a real life friend with me. Okay, so maybe they're not invested, maybe they don't want to be real life friends. Fine, okay, cool cool. Then why are you all BFFing me up on FB?

Example. A friends mom wanted to set me up with this guy who lives about 7 hours away from me. He emailed me and a get to know you conversation ensued. I sent a spectacular response email. He responded to that. I responded with another winner, which included several questions that warranted responses.

Then he added me on FB. Oh, now we're FB friends! We don't need to communicate for real or email anymore. Okay, at this point I would have been fine. Honestly I was not into him, but here's where I get annoyed. Hey Mr. Long Distance, I love it when you don't respond to my email, aka worthwhile communication. I love it even more when you suddenly start commenting with emoticons on my FB pictures from 2 years ago. I love it when you like everything I post, and make comments like we have some sort of inside joke/we know each other, relationship. Oh wait, I don't. So basically you don't want to get to know me with meaningful communication, you'd rather just FB creep me. Let's never talk, that's asking too much. Whew, sorry, I went off a rant there.

Okay, the truth is, this situation isn't even what has me annoyed. The truth is I like this other guy. This other guy talks to me on FB often enough. I'm not stupid, I can see that he's not interested romantically at this point, but why then is he up in my FB grill? Don't talk to me on FB, and then every time I suggest we hang out in real life bail. Can we please stop talking about how we should hang out, and actually hang out?

I mean, straight up men, isn't it true that if I man wants to spend time with you, he'll make it happen? Fine, okay, so leave me alone. Don't nourish a fake relationship online, and leave me hanging in the real world. Maybe I need to cut him off. Maybe I need to stop nourishing back. Why do men think it's okay to be selectively responsive? Gahhhhhh. Advice? Thoughts?

To sum it up.
If we can't be real life friends, FB is great.
If we can be real life friends there should be a healthy balance of real life communication and FB, heavy on the real life side.
If you don't want to be my real life friend, go away.
If you want to be my real life friend, get in here (my life).

But really, talk to me people.

Words like Angelina Jolie's hair- sweet like unto heaven.

Something I would like to work on is being more kind in word.

Lately I have found myself saying unkind things about others, like saying some guys are douche bags or ugly, etc. When I say mean things they seem to roll right off of my tongue like slime, and I move on as though nothing terrible was just said.

I've also noticed that when others say harsh things about people, it really hurts me and offends my spirit. So why then is it okay for me to say mean things? I defend and assume the best and most innocent in some, but in one turn I assume the worst of others.

There's obviously a disconnect in my mind between what I say and what I hear. Why is it so offensive to hear some vulgarity, but so easy to produce it myself? Why is it okay for me to say assuming, rude, crass, or otherwise terrible things about others, but when other people say the same it is suddenly so wrong?

I need to work on it. I want my words to flow out like sweet and kind mists- or something nice like that. I don't want others to think of me in the way I see them when they say unkind things. More importantly, I don't want to offended someone else's spirit with my unkind verbal muck. I want to be kind in word and deed. I want to lift and spread good!

I think that the more I guard my tongue, the more my heart and thoughts will change. Maybe if I don't say mean things out loud, my mind will stop feeling the need to produce them in the first place.

Tips? Who's with me?!

And for your viewing pleasure: http://youtu.be/_Jtpf8N5IDE

Also, I'm writing this from an iPad, so the formatting is whack.

Chivalry vs. Douchery

This morning I was telling a co-worker a story about a man getting on my case for not waiting to let him open the car door for me and my brain exploded. Okay, it didn't explode, but I got really annoyed.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate chivalry, in fact, I like it a lot! If I'm on a date paahh-leeeazze open the car door for me. I just think there's a difference in actual respectful chivalry and what some people think is chivalry.

When a man insists on opening every door within a 30 mile radius of you, but doesn't consider your feelings- we have a problem. Chivalry should be natural and come from the heart, and the head. The point of chivalry is that you are trying to respect the other person and think of their comfort.

Chivalry has a lot to do with good logic. Is it logical to make me wait outside of your car (when you're across the parking lot and it's cold, etc.) when I could easily let myself it? No. Is it better to make me run across the church parking lot in heels with my dress blowing up and flashing my underwear just so you can hold the door open for me? No. If you want to see the underwear that just makes you a butthead.

If we are walking together towards the car or building, then I will pull back a little bit and you can open the door for me. If you are by the door of a building and I'm across the parking lot, please oh please do not make me run across the parking lot because you are waiting with the door open. If you are waiting by the door because we are meeting up or you want to talk to me, stand by the door and when I get closer you can open it.

Mostly I just wanted to complain. Grrr. Don't give me grief because I get in the car and I don't want to wait for you to open the door for me. Okay, this post is going south and I'm at a loss for intelligent typing. I'm going to leave it to Brett and Kate at The Art of Manliness to explain it. MEN, PLEASE READ THIS.

READ ME.

Favorite quotes:

"Don’t feel obligated to open the car door for her when exiting the vehicle. Most people get out of a car as soon as it parks. Successfully opening a car door for a woman so she can exit will probably require you to say, “Hey, don’t get out. I want to open the car door for you.” She’ll then have to sit there and wait as you exit the driver’s side door and circle around to the passenger’s side so you can open it. You’ll just create a spectacle and may make your date feel like she’s being chauffeured instead of courted."

"Holding doors open isn’t something you need to do just for women. It’s an act of common courtesy that you can show to any person whether they be man or woman. If you get to the door first before a dude, holding the door open for him is completely fine."

"A gentleman should always hold the door open for someone who is more physically burdened than him. If you see an older person, a person with an obvious physical aliment, or a person holding a crap load of packages, hold the door open for them no matter if they’re a man or a woman."

"And if someone opens a door for you, always smile and say, “Thank you!"

I know I'm nowhere near to perfect and I have a lot to work on in the way of manners and etiquette,  but sometimes I just get a little frustrated. Men and women of the world, read this article and live it.

Willy Moon*

*His name is so cool I didn't need to think of a cool title.

Here's another edition of You Should Love This Band.

You should LOVE this man.

Willy Moon. More like Willy Swoon.

Seriously, other than his space alien esq. good looks,
he is tal-en-ted!

New-Zealand + English? Be still my heart.

Retro style. Dancing. The LIPS. 23 years old, my cup of man tea.

In cahoots with Jack White!? ..........................................

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Woah, sorry. I just fainted. Anyway, here's the music:

Yeah Yeah. Killer video.

I Wanna Be Your Man. More like I want you to be my man.

Railroad Track. Simplicity done correctly.

Shakin'. Thanks for getting my heart pregnant.

She Loves Me. Yes, yes I do.

I can't wait for him to put out more music. SOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD. Really it's all about the music, but it doesn't hurt when the music maker is swoon worthy.

Fear, again.

I'm pretty sure I've posted about my fears before, but considering my reaction to some of my fears yesterday I thought I'd give it another go.

There are a lot of things that scare me, I'm human, but most of them are pretty easy to overcome (i.e. heights, deep water, etc.). There are however, a few things that horrify me, and that I feel are not so easily vanquished. I call them the 3 M's.

MEN.

MONEY.

MARRIAGE.

 

Fear, like 3M tape, holding me down.

These things scare me so much. Like, horrify me. I came home from work yesterday and I was so overwhelmed by these things that I put on my Mogwai mix, zipped myself up in my mummy bag, and Pinterested pictures of attractive men with cats to escape. I never wanted to leave that warm cocoon, and only left it when nature called (more like screamed), and then finally when Jernae came home.

Bob Dylan, with a cat, sigh.

MEN. Shudder. Seriously. I love men and I love spending time with them. A lot of the people I hang out with these days are men. I love the company of men. I love talking to men. I like looking at men and laughing with men and, well I love men...but the vulnerability that they can make me feel? Bleh. Death. I've realized at on the this point in my life that I have a lot of defense mechanisms and walls around me in regards to men (probably the same stuff all the other people on this planet are dealing with- abanodnment, rejection, etc.). Well okay, if they are just friends I can be myself 100%, but introduce the romantic factor- make me vulnerable to hurt, and up go the towers and dug get the moats.

Defense mechanisms. Poot. I am sure that there are more reasons than I currently realize for my defenses, but currently I am dealing with a few that tend to cement me in the eternal friendzone.
1. When flirting with a man I am romantically intersted in I will suddenly feel vulnerable and turn the flirtations into a joke, typically by taking things over the top. I.e. proposing marriage, making a creepy face, like this, talking about my affection for all men, pointing out my cougar tendencies, etc.
2. I go out of my way to make him feel safe. I.e. talk about other men in a romatic* way- so as to let them know I'm not thinking about them in a romantic way, or even if I am, make them feel that they're nothing special
3. Talk about women I think are attractive. Angelina, Jernae, Audrey, etc.
4. Talk about dude stuff. I.e. poop, farts, outdoorsy things, sex, nerd stuff
5. Make jokes. Turn the situation from a potential romantic something, into a funny story that leads to nowhere and distracts men from my swoon.

*When I say romantic, I don't mean red roses or any of that crap, I mean attraction, more than friends, may lead to hand holding, cuddling, kissing, etc.

All of this is about fear. I'm afraid that if I let a guy know how I really feel, I will be hurt, because the few times in my life I have let men know how I really feel...let's just say, it didn't end with smooching.

 

MONEY. The bane of my exsistence. Okay, well it's not that I don't like having money, that's not the problem. The problem is managing money. I just get so frustrated. I am the worst at following a budget and keeping track of money, and then because I'm not keeping track of my money I get stuck in very uncomfortable financial situations. Honestly right now I make enough money to be sitting pretty- even with my horror of horrors student loans. If only I could learn to manage my money and then actually follow through. I will be doing pretty good with my money, even saving some of it, and then bam! I make a few stupid descions and I'm sunk.

 

Seriously, nothing in life seems to stress me out more. I mean, the other big M's cause me a constant onslaught of fear and stress, but money troubles bring me to tears with ease. I am horrified about my future because I feel so trapped with my little debts, and my big student loan debt. I think, what man would want me and my bajillion dollars in student loans? I worry that my lack of money savvy will hurt my marriage one day. I think, you're supposed to be who you want to marry, which means I'm going to marry someone who is just as bad with money as I am! Ahhhhh! See I'm already stressing out just thinking about it!

The worst is when I inconvenience someone else with my money problems- that's the killer. It hurts my pride, and it hurts my brain, and I'm sure it hurts my relationships. Having to ask other people to help me out of a situation I undoubtedly caused, aggggggh. Possibly hurting someone else's financial plan with my own money incompetence, arrrrrgggggggggghhhhhh. Uh, you get the point. I need to move on because I'm freaking out.

 

MARRIAGE. I know I've posted about this enough to last a lifetime, but goodness how it plagues me. It's just kind of ridiculous how on the one hand I can be a baby hungry, crazy wedding idea Pinteresting woman, while on the other I'm COMPLETELY HORRIFIED of marriage. Shudder. Shatner. Shudder. Meeeehhh. I was telling a friend about this and I said that I guess  when you find someone who makes you forget how afraid you are, and they feel the same then that's love...or something.

I'm afraid that a year into marriage I will find out my spouse is a stranger. I'm afraid that he'll secretly be a pedophile, sex-addict, abuser, hoity-toity, pussy, gay (not that I'm saying being gay is comprable to pedophilia, but it would suck if you're straight spouse came out post wedding), gambler, etc, etc. I'm afraid that my spouse will decide I'm not who he wanted. I'm afraid of dealing with money and family and then...children! What if I screw them up?! What they get killed or kidnapped or worse?! Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Blessed be, I wasn't ever abused, but I still have at least the average amount of baggage that makes people afraid of marriage.

Fear sucks. I want this to be said of me:

I want to overcome the 3M's like a baller. I want to jump off the cliff of M fear into the lake of wedded, man loving, money balanced bliss! I suppose like any fear, I need to make a plan of action. Here goes:

Work on the MONAAAY!

 

a. Pay tithing
b. Create a budget
c. Follow the budget
d. Pay off immediate debts
e. Save money

Let down my defenses with men

 

a. Flirt and then don't turn it into a joke
b. Work on believeing that a man could find me romantically interesting
c. Work on getting a hotter bod so men climb my towers* and I don't have to worry about taking the defenses down

*insert Beavis and Butthead style laugh here

 

Become my best me, but learn to love the me I already am more

 

a. Continue Gospel studies
b. Read books about empowered people, especially women
c. Facebook less
d. Finish the unfinished things I know I can finish


 I can do it, peace!