Lessons from my Grandma Patsy

My Grandma Patricia, or "Patsy BAMF" as I like to call her (just now, I just started calling her that now), was a magic lady. Seriously, she was one of my favorite people on this planet. 

We were both Tiger Geminis, and she was a friend and an example to me.

She taught me to be a bad-A. One time at Girls Camp some priesthood leader killed a rattlesnake, so what does Grandma Patsy BAMF do? She cooks the dang snake and feeds it to the girls. Badoosh! Be a bad-A.

Sweatsuits Grandma painted for me and Hillary

She taught me to always create. My grandma was an artist for most of her life. She painted sweaters, canvases, and anything else you'd give her. She took art classes when she got older, and right up until she passed away she was painting. Her hands coiled up from arthritis, but that didn't stop her from creating. Even when we played cards she was scribbling in the margins. I can only hope to create as much as she did. She created a ginormous family, a wonderful legacy, and oodles of art.

She taught me to have fun. My grandma was such a joker. She was always kidding around, laughing and saying the funniest things. Whether she was dressing up, flashing us, or just playing cards- grandma knew how to have fun.

She taught me to love music. Grandma loved music and singing, and even when her pitch went, you could still hear her whistling a tune all the time. 

She taught me to love nature. My grandma loved the outdoors, whether it was on her parents old farm, at the beach, or with her cow, Bessie, grandma loved nature. She might have had some intense right wing beliefs, but that lady was a hippy if I ever knew one. One with nature, magnets, pumpkin seeds and curious natural remedies. She even let her juice sit out and ferment a bit, haha!

She taught me to be faithful. Now I know that they may confuse some of you, seeing as my beliefs have changed a bit this year, but faith isn't necessarily about what you believe- it's about passion and believing in something. She taught me to hear and see spirituality. She taught me to find happiness and believe in good things. She might have believed in different things then I do right now, but she taught me to live what I believe and be true to that. 

She taught me to be yourself and say 'forget the rest.' Everyone wont always like what you say and do in this life, but that's okay. You've got to be yourself and follow your heart. My grandma stood up for what she believed, even when no one around her supported or believed her. She did what she wanted and went out the way she wanted. She lived a full life and I'm sure wherever she is, she's kicking some major toosh.

I know I learned a lot of those things from my mother and father, and a lot of other amazing people in my life. I am a part of everyone I've ever met and everywhere I've ever gone, but dang it, Grandma Patsy BAMF was the seed and I'll miss her. 

Fun facts about Patricia:

- She had a blue ribbon cow as a teenager

-She birthed 10 children

-She eloped when she was 16 and stayed married to the same man until the day she died

-She served 3 LDS missions with her husband, Charles

-She was a kick-A square dancer

-She had indestructible fingernails

-She was born in a log cabin that her father built

-She, like my mother and me, was practically allergic to peppers. They make us super sick!

-She was a Tiger (Chinese Zodiac) Gemini, like me

Umm What Ya Say: Faith and Respect

Since my decision to stop attending the LDS church, several people have asked how I think my father or my pioneer ancestors would feel about my debaucherous new lifestyle. Well, here you go.

In general I can only hope, and assume, that they would still love me and respect me.

When my father decided to join the LDS church his parents were heartbroken. They gave him a small cardboard baby coffin, as if to say, you’re dead to us. They did not attend my parents wedding (they couldn’t), or my parents reception and other wedding festivities. Until my grandparents dying years, they fanned anti-church literature in my father’s face at every visit.

I’m pretty sure that my father just wanted was to live in a way that he thought was right. I think he just felt so strongly that the church was true and, while I’m sure a large part of him wanted his parents to join the church (first principles of the church), he probably just wanted them to love and support his decisions because he felt the church made him happy (and I would certainly say that the church and its accompanying life style did help my father to have a more fulfilling and happy life).

I would hope that in the same way that my father wanted to be loved unconditionally, supported in what he felt was right and in what he felt would make him happy and respected regardless of/for his beliefs, he would afford me just what he wanted so dearly from his loved ones.

I think of my wonderful Uncle Rick Smith- after he read my blog post about my father’s conversion to the LDS church he simply said that the choice my father made was the right choice for him. My uncle knew the church made my father happy, and even though my uncle doesn’t believe in the church, he supported him. I suppose that’s what I’m looking for.

I hold no bitterness towards the church or my loved ones who believe in it so fervently. I don’t seek to tear down the church, or dissuade members from believing. Honestly, I feel uncomfortable when people try to push the church on me (that twinkle in their eye when they think I’m finally returning to my senses), and I wouldn’t want to create that feeling in somebody else who is possibly questioning the church. I think people should pray with a “sincere heart” and all that jazz in regards to their moral code and beliefs, and then make their own choice- AND THEN I think people should love and respect their choice. It’s a personal choice, not up for vote or popular opinion- and so far as I know, even the LDS scriptures and leaders would agree with me here.

My pioneer ancestors crossed the plains in search of a place where they could live and believe as they pleased. The general populace thought they were a strange people and went to horrible lengths to make them renounce what they believed to be true. I can only hope that those pioneers, and most especially Joseph Smith, would respect someone who had different opinions on religion.

My great-great- great-great-great grandmother, Lucy Diantha Morley was fired from her job, pillaged, a driven from her home and comforts to the harsh land of Utah, where she built a BAD-A life believing as she wanted. HECK YES, I still love and respect her. Heck yes, I still feel connected to my faithful ancestors and relatives.  We’re all just trying to do what we feel is best, and live our lives in a way that correlates with our beliefs. Just like my father, I can only hope that Lucy D.M. would love a respect me, regardless of my attendance and belief in her church.

I know it’s hard. Things seem so black and white, and I suppose they are, but that doesn't mean we have to be at odds with one another. I think if we all just take a step back and look at the fundamentals, things could be pretty swell. You want freedom of religion, and so do I. You want to live and believe as you please, and so do I.

I know my father wasn't perfect, but I loved him and I can only assume he would still be proud of me. He would see that I haven’t made any of my decisions lightly. He would see how passionately I have sought answers, and he would love the person I am today. 

P.S. Did anyone catch my Imogen Heap reference?

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I couldn't articulate what I wanted to say, and so- Pinterest.

2013

I was going to send out Christmas cards, buuuuuuuuuuuut this is cheaper and easier. So here we go. I suppose I should write some sort of verbose and grand letter, but whatev.

2013 was a great year and a tough year. I don't want to go on and on so here we go,  IN LIST FORM!

What happened:

1. Ogden Prep Academy- I still work there. I love it and I am excited for the changes that have happened, and the ones to come. It's a great place to work and I love the kiddos, most of the time!

2. Oakcrest Girls Camp- It was great. It was awful. It was camp. I loved being outside and I loved my fellow counselors. I loved singing. I loved being outside. I loved being outside. I loved being outside.

3. Adventures- I went on them.

Goals/plans for 2014:

1. FINISH MY DAMN MASTERS- but really, I start my lit review paper class this January, then my project over the summer and if all goes according to plan, you may call me "MASTER LAURA" starting August 2014.

2. Sleep- I need to do it more.

3. Continue to work on my physical health, duh.

4. Pay off all debts, other then my horrendous student loans.

5. THE MOST MAGICAL GOAL OF ALLLLL TIME: Get a cat and name him Steve Bee Hawking.

P.S. the handsome cat in the my pictures is Yahtzee, beloved cat of the men of Elgin Drive. The fantastic pictures were taken by Josh, of Elgin Drive.

People should fart more.

Okay, first of all, I'm totally serious.

 

 

The other day I was thinking about it and really, farting is hilarious.

 

 

Our bodies make funny sounds that squeeze out of us like a balloon slowing having its air released...and those sounds smell! How is that not funny?

 

 

I suppose some situations are simply just inappropriate farting times...like...NOPE. Every situation that I think of where farting would be awful could just become funny!  And come on, who doesn't want a good laugh at a funeral, a wedding, or with a lover?

 

 

Some people might suggest that farting is just rude in polite company, as is belching, but really it's just a load of cultural crap. Crap..haha...farts..

 

 

I mean really, when's the last time a mentally healthy adult reprimanded a baby for farting?

 

 

Our bodies are amazing things; they perform some of the most complex processes constantly and without any conscience effort on our part. One of the things they do is process waste- they use what they need and discard the toxic junk. Farting is one of the ways they discard junk and I don't know about you, but I think it's ridiculous to hold in toxic waste when you could just so easily...FART.

 

Post script: I work with 11 year-olds 5 days a week; I'm used to strange smells and sounds.

Laura's Process of Becoming Pt. 2

Look at that, there is a part 2, and it's a doozy! I'm posting this for those who have asked me to share. The hesitancy I'm experiencing is ridiculous. As usual, this is pretty cerebral stuff.

 

In my last post I said I needed to disappear, well disappear I did...sort of. The problem, I only disappeared in the bad ways and not in the good ways. I became idle, and that idleness didn't feed my soul, it led to several emotional breakdowns. Who knows, maybe those cry/freak-out fests were good for me.

Albert Camus said, “Idleness is fatal only to the mediocre.” Well maybe that's it, perhaps I'm just mediocre. Thanks a lot, Camus, you always know how to cheer me up.

I've prided myself on being a very open person for a long time. I'll say anything, tell anyone anything, and share anything if only I'm asked. I blog about my personal feelings, because I don't have secrets. I don't like feeling like a person split in two, and secrets make me feel like my insides and outsides are incongruous.

For a time that's how I felt though, split in two. I felt the pull of so many things inside my head for so long that it was driving me insane, and I knew I had to do something drastically different with my life.

I reached the point where I said to myself, make a choice. God wont let you wander off a cliff. I made a choice, hoping it would alleviate the ripping inside. But now, here I am, and I'm afraid. I'm happy that I've made choices that I feel are right for me, but now I face that hypocrisy I've feared for so long. I feel like I have to hide who I am, but I don't want to hide something I'm not ashamed of.

I've hidden it for a while because I know it's difficult for others and I didn't want to hurt anybody. Well, I still don't want to hurt anybody, but at what point am I allowed to say, "This is me now and I don't want to hide it."

The following is taken from a sort of letter I wrote to some of my very best friends about a month or two ago. Since that time some things have changed and developed, including some of my beliefs. I suppose I don't owe this to anyone but myself, and that's why I'm sharing it. If some of the tense or wording doesn't make sense- just remember, it was in response to questions from my friends. Let's be real, I was too lazy to write any sort of real  or updated explanation, so here we go.

"I got to a point where I decided I had to make some sort of choice because life was miserable. I chose to leave the church. I don't have any bitterness towards the church or its people or my friends and loved ones. Actually I feel like a lot of the bitterness I did have left. I am really happy right now, but that's not me saying I think leaving the church makes everyone happy. I think I'm happy because I made a choice and because I let go of my unrealistic expectations and judgments I had for myself and that I thought others had for me.

I keep feeling like life is going to suddenly start being harder in regards to spirituality, and I know it will- that's life, but I am surprised that it isn't as challenging as I thought it would be in a way. I don't mean it's easier to sin, I mean some part of me is surprised people still love me- and that's obviously a red flag about something I need to work on believing. That people could have unconditional love for me.

I might crash and burn and I'm willing to take the risk. That's how I feel about it all- life, dating, and church. I'm still being me and I'm still being smart, but I have to do some things that scare me.

I don't have some cemented thesis for why I left the church. I wasn't miserable and I don't blame the church for my struggles either. Uggh, the more I try to write the more I wish I could say it. I suppose I'm hesitant to share my reasons because I don't want to hash it out or debate it. I don't feel I have to have an exacting list of reasons that are without flaw for why I'm doing what I'm doing what I'm doing.

Here’s a piece of a blog post never finished from a few months ago, “I don't think anyone specifically thinks, ‘You know what would be great? It would be great if members of the LDS faith were scared to have doubts. I would just love it if they were convinced that deciding against the church would lead to all of their friends and family treating them poorly. Yeah, that'd be great. Let's make a MormonAd about it. Don't question the church, or you'll be in a world of hurt. xoxo, Dear Leader.’

On a daily basis as of late I wake up in the morning deciding to leave the church, but by the end of the night I'm convinced that I should stick with it.

In the morning I think, I'm just trying to talk myself into the church because it's easier to stick with the status quo. It's easier because my friends are members. It's easier because I have a routine and a way of life, all based on the church. It's easier because it's what my family wants. It's appealing because then I have a pre-made dogma that explains where I'm going in this life and in the next, and forever...It's easier because it's what I've always believed and done and known.

When I go to bed at night I think I talk myself into leaving the church because it's easier to make up my own belief system- one that could include a life with my family after death and some a lot of the doctrine I've learned from the LDS church. It's easier because I could feel free from  some of the constant onslaught of inner turmoil and guilt I provide myself constantly. It's easier because I could get those cute toe tattoos that I really want without feeling the guilt of 1,000 murders. It's easier because I would have another day on the weekend.

In the morning I think, I only feel emotion based on missing my father, and well made, emotionally gripping videos, stories, and lessons made by the church- it's not the spirit, its emotion. I feel joy in the mountains, and I do believe God made the mountains, but I don't think the Mormon's have ownership of that good feeling. I think the church creates feelings that lead to guilt, fear, and judgment from and against me. I think about all of the people that have used religion to hurt me. I think about all of the people that I have hurt, with my faith as a weapon. I think about how modesty doesn't make sense. I think about my institute teacher telling me that my questions about the church concern him, and that I should have asked them 10 years ago, and that I should talk to my bishop."

Now, bear in mind that what I just shared is an incomplete and unfiltered or edited product. After saying all that, I intended to say that none of it mattered. None of my "problems" with the church matter. All that really matters is, is it true or not? If the church is true all of the problems might still matter, but not enough to leave the church. If it's not true then all of the good doesn't matter that much either.

I mean, sure the good helps us live good lives, but it's like some apostle (I think Holland) said, if the church isn't true then Joseph Smith is the greatest charlatan the world has ever known. Enter my extreme hesitancy for sharing my reasons for leaving the church. I don't want to tell you you're wrong, and in my mind you're not. I think you should live the Gospel and be happy. I think you should hold fast to your faith and love it. I'm not saying I think the church is terrible or Joseph Smith is a charlatan. I suppose you can say that I have to choose and make up my mind, but that was driving me insane. I had all of these twists and pulls in my mind for a long time and I was dying inside. I was happy with my life, but I was also full of so much turmoil and bitterness.

At a certain point I decided to follow some Gospel logic and pick a path. I have been telling people for years that God would never let them wander off a cliff. In the scriptures they tell us that we should make a choice and then God will let us know if that choice is wrong or right and I so I decided to step off of the cliff.

It's hard for me to not feel led to where I am. All summer at camp I felt I was being led about by some power, but oh I struggled. I struggled every Friday when I had to tell my girls that the Book of Mormon was true and there is no other answer. It was hard for me to share my testimony without having any extra little twists or secret loopholes. I don't think I ever really shared any straight forward testimonies that didn't include something about people finding their own path, and making things work for them.

I prayed constantly that if this was wrong God would let me know. I prayed to know the truth of things like the Gospel, the BoM, the plan of salvation, all of it- and I received nothing. I prayed to know if I was receiving something and I wasn't realizing it too. I talked with my bishop and studied talks. I really tried, but then I decided to try nothing and nothing felt great. Maybe I will "get it" one day and realize my foolish ways, but right now I don't believe the church is true and that is why I left it.

I do think I have control over how much I'm "pulled." Maybe I'm misunderstanding you (This was in response to a concern from a friend that I would perhaps lose control over the pull certain vices have)...but I think tattoos, drinking, etc. are like anything else in this life- I have to be very aware and smart about how I treat them. I am not a tattooed lady and that means I'm not going to become rockabilly and get sleeves, but to me it doesn't mean I can't get a tattoo. A tattoo or two does not make me the tattooed lady. As far as drinking- same thing. I don't like drugs in general, they ruin lives and I don't intend to partake in them. Drugs and alcohol are very different to me on the one hand, but on the other they're not. I'm just using some of the most common examples of big sins or things the church teaches against I guess.

I'm just saying I'm still me. I think there are a lot of lines that I don't worry about crossing (piercings, tattoos, drinking) because I think they're morally wrong, but rather I don't want to cross them because I don't see myself as that person. Sleeves aren't my style, and neither is the party life style. I suppose I could take some of those things further, but they're not my style and I'm not 21 and I don't necessarily want to do rebellious things simply because I can.

I welcome questions right now, but I'm sure you can imagine that if they were to continue on a regular basis for an indefinite period of time it would most likely drive me away. That's just the honest truth I think. I haven't told anyone this information because I hold it close, careful, and private. My brain can't help but think of counter-arguments for everything I say and so sharing this information makes me feel vulnerable and sensitive.

 I know you (my friends and family) want me to be happy, and perhaps we have different definitions of happiness, but continual preaching directed at changing my mind will most likely only wear on me in a negative way. If you're sharing things in a natural way about life and religion I welcome it, but if it's, 'Laura I found this talk that I thought would make you feel the spirit and repent', I'm probably not going to love it.

I guess I don't think I will crash and burn. I have heard a lot of stories about people crashing and burning and they scare me, but I don't think I will. I'm being open with the people closest to me- like you guys. I'm being smart and I just want to live a life filled with good. I constantly reevaluate and ask myself if I'm missing something, and if I discover I am missing something I will do my best to pursue that path with courage.

One last thing. I never meant to spring this all on you guys like this. In one way it wasn't a surprise because of the difficulties and problems I was facing with my faith. But as far as the path to leave the gospel, that totally caught me off guard. I wasn't trying to keep anything from you guys, especially because I didn't realize what was happening either.

I don't want you to feel like I had some secret depressed/church hating life. I didn't and I don't. I am and have been very happy overall, but there were an increasing number of problems in my spiritual life that I couldn't resolve. It's so hard not to feel led here. I realize it doesn't make sense for God as we know Him to lead me away from the church, which suggests that I'm being led by a less desirable being, but it's hard for me to see it as something else. Maybe I am that frog that was slowly boiled alive, but I've only ever tried to find truth and increase my testimony."

Well, there you have it. I am truly sorry if this upsets anyone or causes pain, but I want to live an open life and I suppose this post is one way of doing it. Please don't feel the need to argue with me, or to share 3 billion talks guaranteed to save my soul. I haven't died, condolences aren't necessary. I suppose I run the risk of receiving some undesirable feedback by sharing my personal journey online, but for now that's a risk I'm willing to take. Man, I wish I could be one of the private people. Blech.

I'm going going

Gone.

I think I need to disappear for a while.

Take a hike on a breeze.

You may not hear from me for a while.

I'm still here, just unseen.

Maybe I'll paint, and maybe I'll read. 

I will surely doing some searching.

And hopefully some finding.

Sometimes in life the world is abandoning you, so you have to leave it to itself.

The friends you didn't know didn't matter will leave you.

The ones that will stay will always stay. 

So peace out douchey world, see you on the other side...

Or at my schools public ribbon cutting this Friday.