The point is- we’re all confused. Give the beasts a chance. Everything is usually misunderstanding.

Well here we are again, circling the stairs in the Notre Dame. For this post I thought I would seek some wisdom from myself. So here we go, quotes from previous posts that apply to my life right now. Think of this post as one of those flashback-filler episodes that sitcoms do. Also, I'm going to illustrate it with pictures of hot people.

Can I get a witness?

"It's happened before and I feel like I'm going up and down the stairs of the Notre dame, repeating the same thing over and over like a nightmare. I switch back and forth and I feel like David Bowie before he got with Iman, I mean pick a sexual orientation Bowie! Pick an emotion Laura!"

Love love love. Or more specifically, dating.

"I don't understand much about men, but I do know this- It takes two to tango, it goes both ways, and non of us are innocent. Men are idiots, but so are women. Women are scared and confused, but so are men."

"That’s my pattern though. I meet a guy. I like a guy. We become great friends. He thinks I’m amazing, “great people” (I SO relate with Queen Latifah’s character in Just Wright), he loves me, but doesn’t love me (it’s like my excess of fans, when all I really want is friends). The problem with guys friends who I want to be more than friends, is that it makes me feel like I’m in a hole, a rigid pattern, that I’ll never escape. He’ll tell me his thoughts and secrets, I’ll get close, and then one day he’ll tell me about the girl he like likes, the girl that’s not me."

"So here’s the thing, this blog was initially going to be very different. It was, and now will be, about giving men a break. I think women love to blame men for all of the relationship problems in the world, and men love to blame women. But the reality is that it’s hard for everyone. Women are afraid of being shutdown and of not being asked out, dated, and loved. But men have to do the asking! And guess what, they’re definitely afraid of being shutdown, turned down, and not being loved. I used to say, “Men need to grow a pair and ask girls out!” Or, “It’s not like a lot of girls say, ‘No;’ guys just need to ask the right girls out, I wouldn’t say no.” But I’ve come to realize, girls say no to guys all of the time- and not just the creepers, girls turn down guys all the time (and most likely for the same bogus reasons guys aren’t asking more girls out)."

Day 14: SUPER AMAZING!

"You know, something I'm discovering is that if you want to be attractive, you have to act attractive. Don't complain about your life, your face, your body, your anything! Life is beautiful and wonderful and all of those crap days make the small good things BIG good things. No one wants a Debbie Downer- I'm talking to you girl who would hopefully never read my blog ;) Bwahahaha! Besides the benefit of being attractive to others when you behave attractive, you become more attractive to yourself! And as awful as it may sound, hearing a certain girl complain about herself has made me realize how much I love me! Not because I take joy in her pain, but because it makes me think about the whole self esteem canoli. I love Laura, Lora, Lara, Lawra…whoever I am!"

"So what do I love about me, me. All of it. I love my frizzy hair and my big nose. I love my blue eyes and my wonderful toes. I love that I don’t ever bruise, but I scar like a mink is minky. I love that I laugh at awkward moments. I love that I create awkward moments all the time! I love that my roommate just got engaged and I’m about to cry for joy because I’m so happy for her- and I’ve only known her for about a month. I love that every time I walk by the swing in my front yard (no matter the temperature or weather) I want to hop on and watch the cars go by. I love that I have my nana and grandmother’s names. I love that I am me."

All you *want* is love.

 "But then I worry, what if I'm like Henry Crawford from Mansfield Park, and I'm more interested in being loved than I am in loving someone. Like those girls who are more interested in being married, than they are in the particular man. WAH!!! But then I have a night like tonight. A night where I'm super pensive and calm, but not with the sad bits. Happy pensive. Thoughts bounce around in my head and leave me feeling that all is right in the world and ever will be. Thoughts that tell me I don't have to settle for a sports obsessed Mack daddy who doesn't know anything about science, good music, or art. Thoughts that reassure me that I'm just as excited about giving love as I am about receiving it- after all, the greatest joy in life comes in serving others."

"Sure I care about the reception, I admit, I've already planned out how to incorporate Star Wars in the floral arrangements. But that's all phooey. I want a man who feels the way Jude felt in Across the Universe when he met Lucy. I want a man who feels the way Paul McCartney felt when he wrote the song. And on the flip side I want to hear, "I just died in your arms tonight," when I meet him (P.s. If I hear a Minnie Ripperton song in my head when I think about "him" it's just as good as "I just died in your arms tonight."). I know some love starts without a fizzle, but I don't think you should marry someone who doesn't eventually make your heart fizzle. I'm not talking about love at first sight, I'm just talking about love at *sometime before the engagement* sight. They should be piss drunk in love with you, and you with them. No one should have to talk the someone into loving them. He should think I crap sunshine and spit glitter. I know I've posted similar things to this in the past, but I just can't help but think it, and think it, and think it."

Just keep swimming...more like kick the crap out the water until it's a bloody pulp!

"A Spanish proverb states, "Where there is love, there is pain." Or in lay man's terms, "Love stinks."

Okay, well let's face it...I'm not in love, nowhere near it. I've never been, not really. I was in like, and that like was mushed real bad. And I want to point out that this post is not directed toward any one girl or guy in any way! It's not about the specifics, it's about the patterns and the situations. I'm not mad at someone, I'm mad at romance.  It seems to be a pattern."

"Love me more than ever. Love men too. I need to be myself to the max! I shouldn't have to change for a man in the beginning. I can see making changes or whatever in marriage, but in the early stages he should think magic stars spout from my eyes and rainbow-magic music pours from my lips. I should think he's the shiz, and I should most definitely think to myself, "I would have to explain his being ugly to people." It's time to revamp and remember to exercise for me, eat healthy for me, go to bed earlier, work harder, do things I actually love- as opposed to just doing things, and think happy thoughts! He should think my hair is flaxen star-shine and my body is a Venus, and so should I! 

Venus, goddess of love!

So I should love myself, but I should also love men. I've loved men for as long as I can remember. Just because a lot of them seem to be d-bags and idiots, doesn't mean I should resent, dislike, or even hate them. Guess what? There are a lot of d-bag and idiot women, and sometimes I fit the description. Hating men won't solve any problems, and well, I just love men!"

So yeah. This is why I journal. This is why i blog. I want to share with others and perhaps help them, but really I have to write things down for myself! Hopefully these post tidbits will help or entertain somebody besides me. If not, too bad suckas, because I feel better!

When I Grow Up I Wanna Have...

...Boobies. Just kidding Pussycat Dolls, I'm good. But here are some things I would like when I'm older.

I want to go on bike rides with the whole family!

I want to have a little vegetable garden

I want to have a reading nook

I want to live within my means and have financial stability

I want to live outside of Utah

I want to keep bees

I want to stargaze with the kids

I want to go on family camping trips and hikes!

And one more, but this one is a I don't: I don't want to have cable TV. Movies galore, maybe Netflix, but that's it!

I don't know where I'll end up or what will happen to me, but I know it will be great because I'm going to make it that way!

As of late

I really don't know where to start. I've thought of a lot of different posts ideas lately, but I haven't written any...I guess I should start with some updates and see where it takes me.

First of all, I'm not going to be homeless! This whole experience has been such a testimony builder for me! God loves me and is aware of my struggles. Here is the story, well some of it.

 I've kinda felt that I should move for about 6 months now. It's weird because I love my house, I love my roommate, Jernae. Seriously, Jernae is the best roommate I have ever had. I love my singles ward. I didn't really want to move.

Seriously, I love this place! It's pretty great for parties! And just look at Jernaedle, love her!

About a month and a half ago I was having some drama and I was venting to Anne. In the midst of my vent I said, "I have to move!" (See what I was saying about leaving some of the story out?)
Right when I said it, I knew it was true. It was a feeling of instant calm, knowledge, and peace. Sure, over the course of the following month I felt anxiety galore, fear, and apprehension- but I always knew what I needed to do. I always knew that God wanted me to move. But where, when, how!?

Even though I knew I needed to move, I didn't know where, when, or how!

It was kind of awful having people ask me where, when, and why I was moving. It felt like people thought it was Jernae. NOPE. It felt like people thought I felt anything but love for my singles ward. NOPE (Well, okay I felt something other than love for my recently acquired army of lovestruck boys in my singles ward, shudder...I'll get to that later). It was weird to say something like, "God wants me to move."

 

Regardless of how stressful things got, how worried I was that I would never find the right place, I forged on! I still knew that I needed to move, and I felt confident that I would have that same feeling of sure knowledge when I found my new home. I looked at a few places, maybe like 5, I don't remember. Every time it didn't feel right.

 

I didn't want to move into a fancy place that was tiny. If I had to choose I knew that I wanted somewhere that was larger, even if it meant a bit more ghetto. And so I searched and searched. It was hard telling people that their place wasn't right for me, because it was difficult to explain something so personal (and now I'm blogging about it? Haha).

 

Pretty soon things took a turn for the inconvenient, but blessed. I found two new tenants for my beloved current residence, which meant I needed to be out soon! I always knew I would have a place to stay with my cousins, but honestly I kind of dreaded the extra 20 minute commute to work at 7 am...shudder.

 

So many happy memories and good times in this house!

Miracle-ish #1: House sitting! I was explaining my predicament to the Relief Society Advisor in my ward and we discovered that we could help each other out! She and her family were heading off to Peru and needed someone to watch their house, and I needed a place in town to stay! Solution!

 

Miracle #2: I found a place! It was the morning after the ward camp out. I went to bed at about 3 am, and didn't get much of any sleep after that. I was trying to take a nap. I was failing. I got a text from somebody I had contacted a few days prior about seeing an apartment the following week. I was somewhat apprehensive because of the location and ward it was in, but when she texted me I felt good about it...She texted me and said she was in town for the next 30 minutes and wanted to know if I could stop by just then. I said sure and drove down the road (it's like 2 miles away, maybe less, from my prior residence). Right when I got there I knew it was the place. I FELT IT. When she showed me the room I loved it. When she told me about the roommates I got excited(one went to SVU! One is an RM, and the other seems to just work a lot, a lot)! Location be damned, this is the place.

Here are some pictures:

The room is nice and big! One regular sized closet, and..

a Harry Potter closet!

Don't worry, I will be painting it a lovely pale blue!

 So, who knows why I needed to move, or what will happen, but for now things are going well! I probably could say more, but I'm running out of posting steam here! The main point is that God loves us! He is aware of our needs, even if we aren't, and our desires! It was ironic that I've been studying in Numbers because I have definitely felt like those stinking children of Israel a lot lately. God shows them His love and miracles! The manna! The quail! The stinking cloud of fire and brass serpent! But then two seconds later they forget! God has shown me in so many ways this summer that He is looking out for me, and how soon do I forget! Things will work out for my best, have faith Laura!

Other updates:

A new school year has started and so far it has been great! I love OPA, and I'm excited for the new year!
I quit my job at Jo-Ann, the managment was horrendous and I hated it.
New favorite blog: http://localsarepainting.com/
I lost another 10 lbs. this summer, so that's cool!
Twice this week I went on bike rides with hills that I didn't think I could conquer. On both rides I killed the hills and didn't have to walk any of them!

Okay, I am going to wrap up with one more blip. Men...ugggh. It's funny, my whole life I've never really had a lot of men vying for my attention. Most of the time, as you can tell by my blog, men want to be my friend...and that's it. Well I guess things are changing, because now the creepers want more. Shudder.
Currently, to the best of my knowledge, 3-6 men have crushes on me. It's awful. It's awful because I am not interested in any of them. Okay, if any 1 of the not-as-creepy 3 asked me out I would say yes, but the remaining 3- CREEP FACTOR THREE BILLION. LEAVE ME ALONE! Leering, never okay. Facebook stalking, do a better job at concealing it. Creepy comments in general, stop- leave them to me.

But I guess I can't blame the poor saps, who could resist this. I guess that's love and that's life. You finally get some attention from the opposite sex, and you find yourself pining for the days of invisibility.
And now I will wrap it up with unorganized mind-vomit.

It's been frustrating, life. It's hard to like someone and not get anything in return. This summer I have really been struggling with my self esteem. It seems like such a contradiction. I'm losing weight, men are attracted to me (apparently), and I have splendid friends, but it's always back and forth. Am I worth it? Am I good enough for..well, am I just good enough? Am i accomplished enough? Am I lovable? Do I deserve love? Will I ever not suck at being financial independent and stable? Do I cause drama, or does it just have a way of finding us all? Do some certain...men...people think I'm a creeper out to stalk them, or do I not even show up on their radar? When I lose the rest of my goal weight will I be a nasty sack of excess skin? What is the point of marriage? Everyone just leaves you! So many people are getting a divorce because one day their spouse just seems to wake up a decide they don't want to be married in the temple. What if that happens to me? What if I find out I kinda hate my spouse 6 months in? What if someone breaks into this big house tonight, and they freaking kill me?! What if all of my hair falls our and I start larping? That's all. Enjoy the music.

Money, that's what I want.

I have spent my whole life trying to convince myself that I didn't care about having money. I guess because I've never had money. I thought rather than figuring out how to get money, I should focus on being happy without it. But...recently I've started thinking, maybe it doesn't have to be that way...



Lately I've been loving I'm A Mormon videos like this one:



When Adonal says, "I have the time, I have the money, I have the desire, and I have the blessing," it makes me think. A desire to have money doesn't have to be a selfish one. And if I can't take care of myself financially, how do I expect to help anyone else.

So, maybe money wouldn't be all that bad...

I could donate to charities
I could travel
I could start my own charity
I could go on humanitarian trips like Adonal!

Uggh. Here we go again. I think of the best blog posts and then half way through writing them, bleh happens. So it's time for a "Laura's personal journal" entry quote.

"Lately I've been thinking...whoah! I've been thinking about how I want to make a change for the better in the world."

So, now that the righteous stuff is done, time for the wish list.



I've always said I would rather have laser hair removal than a fancy engagement ring (it's a gift to both of us), but well...what if I could have both?

You can think I'm lame or weird for Googleing engagement rings, but then I would have to assume that you don't actually know any single women.

And I don't need fancy jewelry, I have plenty...but if the man of my dreams bought me a gold heart locket...I wouldn't exactly be sad...

And maybe, just maybe...if my husband was interested...we could have two tree houses. One for the kids, and one for us.

Also...what would be so awful about having a cabin?

Moral: 

CRAZY TOWN.

You know how sometimes you're sitting there and your mind goes on a journey, but noone around you sees that journey, and so all they see is you sitting there and then suddenly you're crying or laughing? Well, I will now attempt to take you on the journey that my mind traveled at the gym. Good luck, and enjoy the soundtrack that was playing on my headphones.

"I wish I would have left at 4:30 like I knew I should have...now my 1 1/2 hour work out is only going to be 35 minutes...all I did was sit around, what a waste of a day."

Look up at news. "These wildfires and heatwaves are just awf....WHAT?! Katie and Tom are splitting? Good, I hate Tom, Katie needs to escape that situation."

"Should I turn on the fan on the exercise bike? No, I like the sweat! There's nothing better than sweating all over the place...that is, when you want to be sweaty. It's not cool when you're sweaty and you're at church or something..."

Look up at the news again. See video of teenagers bullying a sweet old lady. Almost cry. "That is so sad, that poor lady." Remember being bullied on the bus, a lot. Remember being bullied for my weight. Remember bullying other kids. "That's why I have to work out. I have to lose weight...no, but that's wrong. That lady is probably really nice...Everyone thinks those kids are evil or something, but they're just being kids and it happened to get caught on tape. Those poor kids probably feel awful and stupid now. They were just trying to protect themselves by hurting someone else...It's so hard to lose weight. Every time it doesn't work out with a guy I automatically assume it's my weight. It's like in the beginning of that movie Loser when the main guy is telling that girl, or whoever, that his ex-girlfriend broke up with him because she lost a ton of weight and she started getting asked out by hotter guys. Fat people date, but it's usually other fat people. I'm not as fat anymore. My wrists are tiny! Mom said yours wrists always stay the same size. FALSE. Everything gets smaller. It's hard when you try to lose weight for so long. I've grown to hate my fat. Sometimes I hate other people's fat. That's terrible. People are beautiful, I'm beautiful. A person's worth, that includes me, is not based on their weight. I look better, but the scale isn't changing. I miss (insert name of latest crush), I wonder if I was skinny like (insert name of girl he asked out), if he would have asked me out? I bet (insert names of some guys I know) would go out with me, but I don't want to go out with them...My calve muscles are outrageous, damn Gina....20 more minutes."

"My tummy feels funny...but that chili I made was so good..." Worry about money. Wish I had money to buy food.

"I'm going to go running after this. I hope I don't dry out like last time and choke on the air. I wish I had come earlier. I wish the gym was open until 7. I wish (insert The Idiots name) would just call me. I wish he would ask me out...'No, I couldn't possibly make it until 7 at the earliest..." (said in my voice). 'Okay, well 7 will have to work, I will pick you up at your house then' (said in his voice)...Look at that man's leg muscles; he's all sinewy. A man's leg muscles are the window to my heart. I wonder if a cross section of his thigh would look like that healthy man's thigh cross section picture I saw on Pinterest a few weeks ago?..That man kinda has a mullet. 10 more minutes..." Insert a lot of day dreaming about spending time with The Idiot.

Cool down. "I feel good. I'm going to blog about this. So what if I have nothing to do tonight. I am going to go running, it will make me feel better. Should I call The Idiot up? I keep saying 'This is the last time,' but then I give in and text him or fb him anyway...stupid Ensign article about that lady not giving up on her husband..."
 
So yeah, crazy town. CRAZY TOWN. That's why I keep at least 85% of my thoughts inside, little did you know based on how much I talk. I love my life. I think I'm a happy person, but sometimes the journey to peace of mind and happiness includes some unhappy thoughts. Don't deny that your brain goes to crazy town on a minute-by-minute schedule. Please don't comment things like, "But you look so great!" Please don't tell me The Idiot is an idiot. And above all, please don't tell people I listen to dubstep or techno.

Update and a little rant

First, a little update. Life is pretty good. I got a job at Jo-Ann Fabric and Crafts, and so far I like it a lot!

I was called as the 1st counselor in the Relief Society.

Okay, when I started this I thought there would be more to say...yay summer!

Time for the rant. Once again, I am annoyed with men, big surprise. I am just tired of guy friends who think I'm their activity vending machine. I'm tired of guys who think it's my job to provide them with entertainment or a social outlet every few weeks, or when they feel like it. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot because having a friendship, or more, with some guys is like throwing gifts at a brick wall, and I'm the idiot throwing a cake (that it took me 3 hours to make) at a brick wall...

I'm tired of guys who want, but give nothing in return. 

 I'm tired of worrying about who initiated communication last.

 I'm tired of not knowing if it's:

A. Disinterest

B. Flakiness/general being a man-ness

C. Defense mechanisms

D. Fear/confusion/him being a pussy

 Everywhere I go I'm a wheel, more recently I was a 9th wheel.

 I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do about it.

I hate that I miss him.

But I guess I should try to end this on a positive note.

I love life. I love swimming. I love my nieces. I love my friends. I love black olives. I love playing the guitar poorly. I love avocados. I love riding my bike. I love my whole house! CLAP!

MY BUTT!